I know I've kinda disappeared... but I'm trying to get the blog up and going again. One thing I've realized is that I have a tendency to seriously disappear off the face of the Earth. I really try to keep in touch with everyone and get myself out there, but I find myself being occupied with school, church, anti-bullying movement, work, or etc.
Speaking of my anti-bullying movement, I made an appearance the Board of Education Meeting with some friends and we really made an impression. As a result, we were published in the newspaper. Great stuff. :) We talked with a lot of the Board and actually, I just met with the Superintendent and Principal of our school. I can't really say what happened and all, but pretty much, good things are coming! There's a lot to be planned, organized, and worked on, but it will all pay out in the end.
Anyways, my life has been pretty chill for the most part. No drama lately. Excited for prom, and just going with the flow.
This past weekend, I went to Illinois to see my brother graduate from boot camp in the Navy. It was great considering I got to see him and his fiancee's family, whom I never met. But in that experience, I recall being in the airport and walking around. People are so occupied with life and just really don't pay attention to the small details or what's really going on. I told my mom and myself that, "One day I will be flying across the nation speaking of my anti-bullying and spreading the word." One day...
I looked up and about and I was gliding across on the moving floor, I thought that life just goes by so fast and that we really do need to make the best of it. I'm not backing down; I'm going to give it my all. People may not understand what I do, who I am, or what I intend, but they will remember me for what I have done.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Day 39: Lent 2012
There have been 3 things on my mind all day:
1. I long for freedom. To do as I please and enjoy my life. Escape all that holds me back.
2. There's not a day where I don't wish I was born into a different family. I'm going to snap soon.
3. I miss people. And I wonder if they're missing me.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Day 21-38: Lent 2012
I know it's been a real long time since I've blogged, but there's a reason for it being so. I've been caught up in A LOT of stuff. I've thought about a lot of things while being absent from my blog. In order to catch up over the 10 past missed days, I will try my best to condense all that has happened and occurred throughout my Lenten journey.
So the weekend of the March 16-18, my life took a dramatic turn. That weekend I was going on the Spring Retreat with my Youth Group at church. I met a lot of people in my YG (Youth Group) that I never really talked to that much and I grew closer to a lot of people. Everything was going perfectly awesome until that fateful event on Saturday night. We were all partying, singing, dancing, and just having a good time until we were all sent to our cabins and couldn't come out.
What happened....?
One of the persons in my Youth Group, who was on the retreat, received word that his dad was dead. Something worded like that. In that moment, it's as if something just overcame almost everyone in my YG. I for one, wasn't really crying, but I mean I couldn't imagine what my friend was going through and I truly felt for him. Everyone got out of their cabins and we all circled up. The Core Team told us the news through tears and told us how much they loved us and cared about us. Being in the dark, only with a few lights scattered, I sat in that moment.
This moment stands out in my memory so well. I was standing there, hand in hand with my friends. All around you saw people running out of the cabins, bathroom, and everywhere. Calling each other, jumping the fence, and joining the circle as soon as possible. That's what a true emergency looks like. It's weird because I've never witnessed or been in an emergency such as this. It was a chaos, but we all united for a purpose.
We prayed the rosary as a Youth Group. It was amazing how strong our faith grew that night. Afterwards, everyone just kinda did whatever. People were crying and hugging. People were just lying in their bunks. People taking a shower. Just everything. We just knew that none of us could go to sleep. My friend, who's dad died, he was in the same cabin as me and I pointed out to my friends in the cabin that it was so depressing to look at his stuff in the cabin. We packed up everything, but still....it's just sad to think that he was happy yesterday, or even a couple hours ago. Everything just changed.
Anyways, something in me just sort of sparked up and I got with my friend and we formed a circle with the YG again. However, my friend and I got in the middle and we sang Lead Me to the Cross. It was so beautiful. Our voices becoming one and others joining in. Then I led a prayer and had others offer their prayers for our friend and his lost. So many of us were crying. I finally started to cry for the first time that night. I cried while singing and while leading the prayer. I love my friend and I just feel so much for him.
After that, we all hung out in the hall up on the hill and we prayed together. Talked, read bible verses, and just found comfort in each other. That night really brought us together as a YG. I always say that something good comes out of every situation, especially bad ones. And even how bad this situation was, we all came together and really showed that we are a family. We are a family.
I was pretty emotional for the next couple days and I would cry here and there. I could not blog at all and I could barely focus in school. It was just tough.
So that upcoming weekend, March 23-25. I had the opportunity to work on a retreat called SEARCH. I've blogged about it before, but as stated before, I'm not allowed to say anything about it. :) Anyways, it being my 3rd time working on this retreat, I always experience something new and I take back something different from it.
Watching all the new Searchers grow in their faith journey is something that really inspires me and seeing how they all grow close to each other is something that is just plain out beautiful. One song we sang a lot during the retreat was How He Loves and actually I went to Fusion awhile back and they played it and the second the song started, I just teared up. All the memories rushed in and I just thought about everyone on the retreat. It was such an amazing experience and I just miss everyone so much.
What saddened me more is that a lot of my friends that I worked with on the retreat are Seniors, so it being the last Search Retreat of the school year, I will never get the chance to work with them again. It's pretty sad but they will always have a place in my heart.
School has been school. Nothing special, nothing new. Trying to work on my Anti-Bullying Movement, getting things sorted out for prom, and just finish up Junior Year.
So here I am now, just living life. Enjoying what's left of my spring break. I've been working like non-stop so I can have more funds in my account. Along with filing for my taxes, I'll soon have a nice load of money pretty soon. Always a good thing.
Just waiting for the future to bring what is has to bring.
So the weekend of the March 16-18, my life took a dramatic turn. That weekend I was going on the Spring Retreat with my Youth Group at church. I met a lot of people in my YG (Youth Group) that I never really talked to that much and I grew closer to a lot of people. Everything was going perfectly awesome until that fateful event on Saturday night. We were all partying, singing, dancing, and just having a good time until we were all sent to our cabins and couldn't come out.
What happened....?
One of the persons in my Youth Group, who was on the retreat, received word that his dad was dead. Something worded like that. In that moment, it's as if something just overcame almost everyone in my YG. I for one, wasn't really crying, but I mean I couldn't imagine what my friend was going through and I truly felt for him. Everyone got out of their cabins and we all circled up. The Core Team told us the news through tears and told us how much they loved us and cared about us. Being in the dark, only with a few lights scattered, I sat in that moment.
This moment stands out in my memory so well. I was standing there, hand in hand with my friends. All around you saw people running out of the cabins, bathroom, and everywhere. Calling each other, jumping the fence, and joining the circle as soon as possible. That's what a true emergency looks like. It's weird because I've never witnessed or been in an emergency such as this. It was a chaos, but we all united for a purpose.
We prayed the rosary as a Youth Group. It was amazing how strong our faith grew that night. Afterwards, everyone just kinda did whatever. People were crying and hugging. People were just lying in their bunks. People taking a shower. Just everything. We just knew that none of us could go to sleep. My friend, who's dad died, he was in the same cabin as me and I pointed out to my friends in the cabin that it was so depressing to look at his stuff in the cabin. We packed up everything, but still....it's just sad to think that he was happy yesterday, or even a couple hours ago. Everything just changed.
Anyways, something in me just sort of sparked up and I got with my friend and we formed a circle with the YG again. However, my friend and I got in the middle and we sang Lead Me to the Cross. It was so beautiful. Our voices becoming one and others joining in. Then I led a prayer and had others offer their prayers for our friend and his lost. So many of us were crying. I finally started to cry for the first time that night. I cried while singing and while leading the prayer. I love my friend and I just feel so much for him.
After that, we all hung out in the hall up on the hill and we prayed together. Talked, read bible verses, and just found comfort in each other. That night really brought us together as a YG. I always say that something good comes out of every situation, especially bad ones. And even how bad this situation was, we all came together and really showed that we are a family. We are a family.
I was pretty emotional for the next couple days and I would cry here and there. I could not blog at all and I could barely focus in school. It was just tough.
So that upcoming weekend, March 23-25. I had the opportunity to work on a retreat called SEARCH. I've blogged about it before, but as stated before, I'm not allowed to say anything about it. :) Anyways, it being my 3rd time working on this retreat, I always experience something new and I take back something different from it.
Watching all the new Searchers grow in their faith journey is something that really inspires me and seeing how they all grow close to each other is something that is just plain out beautiful. One song we sang a lot during the retreat was How He Loves and actually I went to Fusion awhile back and they played it and the second the song started, I just teared up. All the memories rushed in and I just thought about everyone on the retreat. It was such an amazing experience and I just miss everyone so much.
What saddened me more is that a lot of my friends that I worked with on the retreat are Seniors, so it being the last Search Retreat of the school year, I will never get the chance to work with them again. It's pretty sad but they will always have a place in my heart.
School has been school. Nothing special, nothing new. Trying to work on my Anti-Bullying Movement, getting things sorted out for prom, and just finish up Junior Year.
So here I am now, just living life. Enjoying what's left of my spring break. I've been working like non-stop so I can have more funds in my account. Along with filing for my taxes, I'll soon have a nice load of money pretty soon. Always a good thing.
Just waiting for the future to bring what is has to bring.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Day 20: Lent 2012
I woke up this morning with a text message that completely made my day. I won't say who it's from, but I will give you an excerpt of what they said.
"Antonio i just noticed something. You always tell people you + cherish them + u will always be there but i never see a lot of people do the same so i just want you to know that i love you oh so so very much. I have never been blessed with a friend as caring, dedicated + amazing as you & i thank God for that every day. I remember when i 1st met u i was a lil intimidated cause youre everything i strive to be."
There's not really much that I can say but that I am truly Blessed to have such a friend who notices that in me and points out the goodness in me. God really puts great people in your life.
Anyways, it's sort of been a hell week, it being midterms and all, but I'm glad it's finally over. Don't really know how well I did on my midterms, but I hope it's enough. The next 3 weekends, including this one, I will be spending quality time with Jesus. I'm going on 2 retreats and participating at a Hunger Lock In at my church later this month. I really need this so I can get away from everyone and everything. It's time to reflect on my past challenges and my self-image. I'll try to blog over the weekend, but if not, then I will def blog when I come back on Sunday. :)
"Antonio i just noticed something. You always tell people you + cherish them + u will always be there but i never see a lot of people do the same so i just want you to know that i love you oh so so very much. I have never been blessed with a friend as caring, dedicated + amazing as you & i thank God for that every day. I remember when i 1st met u i was a lil intimidated cause youre everything i strive to be."
There's not really much that I can say but that I am truly Blessed to have such a friend who notices that in me and points out the goodness in me. God really puts great people in your life.
Anyways, it's sort of been a hell week, it being midterms and all, but I'm glad it's finally over. Don't really know how well I did on my midterms, but I hope it's enough. The next 3 weekends, including this one, I will be spending quality time with Jesus. I'm going on 2 retreats and participating at a Hunger Lock In at my church later this month. I really need this so I can get away from everyone and everything. It's time to reflect on my past challenges and my self-image. I'll try to blog over the weekend, but if not, then I will def blog when I come back on Sunday. :)
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Day 19: Lent 2012
I hope one day being happy doesn’t always have to be so hard.
Today, my step-dad got mad at me saying I'm always going places and what not and that I put off everything. He told me I had to mow the lawn. It's not that big of a deal mowing the lawn; it's just really time consuming. Anyways, I had asked if I could mow the lawn tomorrow, but he goes and asks me why. My response, "So I can go to church?" I was planning on going to Fusion and all but looks like that wasn't going to happen. He said that I go with him and my mom to church on Sunday. In my head I was thinking, that's not really true. My parents are usually working so they don't really go to church that often and my step-dad blows off church to go hunting or whatever. So in that context, that wasn't a really good argument. Anyways, I ended up mowing the lawn and not going to church.
I don't think I've ever been that mad or pissed. Like seriously? A lawn is more important than me going to church? The lawn could wait 1 more day. I clearly didn't put off mowning it because I tried mowing it the past weekend but the battery died. What my parents, especially my step-dad, doesn't understand is how much Church and God really mean to me. Sure I like seeing my friends and everything, but I have a deep relationship with God. And at church, I feel loved and that I'm at peace with myself. I'm able to really talk to God. At home, I feel lonely a lot and just plain out rejected. They don't understand what I'm going through or anything. They don't talk to me about what's going on at church or anything. All that matters is that things get done at home and that my grades are good. There are reasons I'm not happy or that I'm not doing well in school.
I would never openly admit this until now, but at one point I was going to or wanted to tell my parents, "I wish I could commit suicide so I could be away from you guys. You guys hurt me beyond words and have no idea what I'm going through. I'm so tired of your bullsh*t and the way you treat me. It doesn't matter what I do. It doesn't matter how good a person I am. I've done so much for people that you don't even know about it. There are reasons I'm late coming home or that I'm not getting sleep. It's because I take care of all these people, especially my friends. All you do is yell at me for every single thing. I'm not appreciated for anything I do. I try to be nice and humble with you guys, but you guys have pushed me so far away. I'm so ready to be gone. I'm ready to leave. (To my step-dad) You once told me that you lost your son and that you don't want to lose me, but get this, you already lost me and it's too late. (To both parents) I've never loved you guys, especially for what you've put me through. I've never felt like a son. I'm just here because I am. Don't expect to see me in the future because I will be a million miles away. I just wish I could seriously be anywhere but here."
Today, my step-dad got mad at me saying I'm always going places and what not and that I put off everything. He told me I had to mow the lawn. It's not that big of a deal mowing the lawn; it's just really time consuming. Anyways, I had asked if I could mow the lawn tomorrow, but he goes and asks me why. My response, "So I can go to church?" I was planning on going to Fusion and all but looks like that wasn't going to happen. He said that I go with him and my mom to church on Sunday. In my head I was thinking, that's not really true. My parents are usually working so they don't really go to church that often and my step-dad blows off church to go hunting or whatever. So in that context, that wasn't a really good argument. Anyways, I ended up mowing the lawn and not going to church.
I don't think I've ever been that mad or pissed. Like seriously? A lawn is more important than me going to church? The lawn could wait 1 more day. I clearly didn't put off mowning it because I tried mowing it the past weekend but the battery died. What my parents, especially my step-dad, doesn't understand is how much Church and God really mean to me. Sure I like seeing my friends and everything, but I have a deep relationship with God. And at church, I feel loved and that I'm at peace with myself. I'm able to really talk to God. At home, I feel lonely a lot and just plain out rejected. They don't understand what I'm going through or anything. They don't talk to me about what's going on at church or anything. All that matters is that things get done at home and that my grades are good. There are reasons I'm not happy or that I'm not doing well in school.
I would never openly admit this until now, but at one point I was going to or wanted to tell my parents, "I wish I could commit suicide so I could be away from you guys. You guys hurt me beyond words and have no idea what I'm going through. I'm so tired of your bullsh*t and the way you treat me. It doesn't matter what I do. It doesn't matter how good a person I am. I've done so much for people that you don't even know about it. There are reasons I'm late coming home or that I'm not getting sleep. It's because I take care of all these people, especially my friends. All you do is yell at me for every single thing. I'm not appreciated for anything I do. I try to be nice and humble with you guys, but you guys have pushed me so far away. I'm so ready to be gone. I'm ready to leave. (To my step-dad) You once told me that you lost your son and that you don't want to lose me, but get this, you already lost me and it's too late. (To both parents) I've never loved you guys, especially for what you've put me through. I've never felt like a son. I'm just here because I am. Don't expect to see me in the future because I will be a million miles away. I just wish I could seriously be anywhere but here."
Day 18: Lent 2012
I've much to tell you, but alas, midterms and school is overcoming me! Soon my blog!
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