I hope one day being happy doesn’t always have to be so hard.
Today, my step-dad got mad at me saying I'm always going places and what not and that I put off everything. He told me I had to mow the lawn. It's not that big of a deal mowing the lawn; it's just really time consuming. Anyways, I had asked if I could mow the lawn tomorrow, but he goes and asks me why. My response, "So I can go to church?" I was planning on going to Fusion and all but looks like that wasn't going to happen. He said that I go with him and my mom to church on Sunday. In my head I was thinking, that's not really true. My parents are usually working so they don't really go to church that often and my step-dad blows off church to go hunting or whatever. So in that context, that wasn't a really good argument. Anyways, I ended up mowing the lawn and not going to church.
I don't think I've ever been that mad or pissed. Like seriously? A lawn is more important than me going to church? The lawn could wait 1 more day. I clearly didn't put off mowning it because I tried mowing it the past weekend but the battery died. What my parents, especially my step-dad, doesn't understand is how much Church and God really mean to me. Sure I like seeing my friends and everything, but I have a deep relationship with God. And at church, I feel loved and that I'm at peace with myself. I'm able to really talk to God. At home, I feel lonely a lot and just plain out rejected. They don't understand what I'm going through or anything. They don't talk to me about what's going on at church or anything. All that matters is that things get done at home and that my grades are good. There are reasons I'm not happy or that I'm not doing well in school.
I would never openly admit this until now, but at one point I was going to or wanted to tell my parents, "I wish I could commit suicide so I could be away from you guys. You guys hurt me beyond words and have no idea what I'm going through. I'm so tired of your bullsh*t and the way you treat me. It doesn't matter what I do. It doesn't matter how good a person I am. I've done so much for people that you don't even know about it. There are reasons I'm late coming home or that I'm not getting sleep. It's because I take care of all these people, especially my friends. All you do is yell at me for every single thing. I'm not appreciated for anything I do. I try to be nice and humble with you guys, but you guys have pushed me so far away. I'm so ready to be gone. I'm ready to leave. (To my step-dad) You once told me that you lost your son and that you don't want to lose me, but get this, you already lost me and it's too late. (To both parents) I've never loved you guys, especially for what you've put me through. I've never felt like a son. I'm just here because I am. Don't expect to see me in the future because I will be a million miles away. I just wish I could seriously be anywhere but here."
Today, my step-dad got mad at me saying I'm always going places and what not and that I put off everything. He told me I had to mow the lawn. It's not that big of a deal mowing the lawn; it's just really time consuming. Anyways, I had asked if I could mow the lawn tomorrow, but he goes and asks me why. My response, "So I can go to church?" I was planning on going to Fusion and all but looks like that wasn't going to happen. He said that I go with him and my mom to church on Sunday. In my head I was thinking, that's not really true. My parents are usually working so they don't really go to church that often and my step-dad blows off church to go hunting or whatever. So in that context, that wasn't a really good argument. Anyways, I ended up mowing the lawn and not going to church.
I don't think I've ever been that mad or pissed. Like seriously? A lawn is more important than me going to church? The lawn could wait 1 more day. I clearly didn't put off mowning it because I tried mowing it the past weekend but the battery died. What my parents, especially my step-dad, doesn't understand is how much Church and God really mean to me. Sure I like seeing my friends and everything, but I have a deep relationship with God. And at church, I feel loved and that I'm at peace with myself. I'm able to really talk to God. At home, I feel lonely a lot and just plain out rejected. They don't understand what I'm going through or anything. They don't talk to me about what's going on at church or anything. All that matters is that things get done at home and that my grades are good. There are reasons I'm not happy or that I'm not doing well in school.
I would never openly admit this until now, but at one point I was going to or wanted to tell my parents, "I wish I could commit suicide so I could be away from you guys. You guys hurt me beyond words and have no idea what I'm going through. I'm so tired of your bullsh*t and the way you treat me. It doesn't matter what I do. It doesn't matter how good a person I am. I've done so much for people that you don't even know about it. There are reasons I'm late coming home or that I'm not getting sleep. It's because I take care of all these people, especially my friends. All you do is yell at me for every single thing. I'm not appreciated for anything I do. I try to be nice and humble with you guys, but you guys have pushed me so far away. I'm so ready to be gone. I'm ready to leave. (To my step-dad) You once told me that you lost your son and that you don't want to lose me, but get this, you already lost me and it's too late. (To both parents) I've never loved you guys, especially for what you've put me through. I've never felt like a son. I'm just here because I am. Don't expect to see me in the future because I will be a million miles away. I just wish I could seriously be anywhere but here."
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