As I was riding home from church last, I realized how amazing and care-free I felt. I haven't felt this way in forever and believe me, it's a whole new experience to relive. I went to church 3x this past weekend and it made me feel enlightened in so many ways. I absolutely love going to church now. I feel that my relationship with God and within myself has matured and become even stronger. There's nothing really bothering me anymore and I've learned to forgive others and move on with life. I love life and I feel that nothing can stop me as long as I place my faith and trust in God and maintain a determined and open-minded attitude.
I was standing in the shower today and I was thinking about a lot of stuff that I've said to people in the past and now as I think about it, they really don't have anymore meaning and I could care less. I mean I think it's impossible to stop caring about a person completely, but I feel that all these people in my past are fading away. I no longer suffer from those memories and I don't have feelings for them anymore.
It's weird saying that I'm beginning to forget who you are, but it's true. Everyone changes and that's something we can't control. I don't know who you are anymore. I don't remember what it was like to be a part of your life and I'm beginning to forget everything I ever said to you. I'll never say that time I spent with a person was worthless. I would never take anything back and all those moments have helped me become stronger and I've learned from all of it. It's help shaped my future and impacted me in numerous ways. But really, I used to be frozen with fear of the thought that you would disappear. That you would be the one to let me go. Quite frankly, I was the one who let you go. People change. That means I'm a part of that.
I wish I never had to let go of some people, but that's a part of life. "There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go." I'll try my best to never stop caring about you, but just know I'll never stop loving you. It's unconditional and nothing in this world could ever change that.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Quite the Relaxing Life
So what's on my mind? Hmmmmm......I would say lately that life has been ultimately chill. I had a party Monday and it turned out pretty amazing! :) Talk about adventures. Ahahaha. Me and a group of friends who I freakin' love to death and mean the world to me, we played Just Dance, blasted music and danced, made it rain, drove around my golfcart through everywhere, and just had a great time overall.
I haven't really had drama which is pretty good because I absolutely hate drama but even when I do have it, I'm really chill. Whenever people tell me stuff and whatnot, I just have this really chill attitude. Sometimes I wish, "F*** this S***!!!" was the solution to everything, but it's not. Sad. :'(
One thing that has been on mind though is that I want something do with life. I feel that now it's so chill and normal, that I'm starting to not like it. You have no idea, but I really want to go out into the world and just do something big. I'm so ready to get out of highschool and start a life of my own. I wanna see the lights of cities, I wanna fall in love, I wanna dream big, I wanna succeed, I wanna be the one person that changed someone's life. My parents aren't really big on supporting me on any ideas I have. What I don't get is that my parents don't care about my social life and what I want to do. I feel like I'm a deprived child and I'm living a sheltered life. Haha, funny way of putting it, but that's how I feel and it's somewhat true.
All around me, friends are going out and doing everything I can't. Driving is sorta one of those things. I know driving isn't a right, it's a privilege. But isn't that something I deserve? I mean forreal, I'm an All-A student, ranked 19 out of like 700 students, President of the Sophomore Class, involved in church and school clubs, and a person who just lives above the influence. What else do I have to prove? Nothing I do is never enough for my parents. I'm always getting angry at them because I'm unappreciated. Heck, I get a low A, I get yelled at. I know they are pushing me to do my best and succeed and not end up like my half-brother, but sheesh. I got an 89 for a 9 weeks grade in AP Stats (which doesn't even matter, semester averages do) and my step-dad flipped out and started cussing and what not. Like seriously, other people would kill for grades like that. Parents would be throwing parties for their kids! Idk, I just feel unappreciated and that I can't do anything even when I put forth my best.
I guess to wrap things up.......
Freedom is all I want.
I haven't really had drama which is pretty good because I absolutely hate drama but even when I do have it, I'm really chill. Whenever people tell me stuff and whatnot, I just have this really chill attitude. Sometimes I wish, "F*** this S***!!!" was the solution to everything, but it's not. Sad. :'(
One thing that has been on mind though is that I want something do with life. I feel that now it's so chill and normal, that I'm starting to not like it. You have no idea, but I really want to go out into the world and just do something big. I'm so ready to get out of highschool and start a life of my own. I wanna see the lights of cities, I wanna fall in love, I wanna dream big, I wanna succeed, I wanna be the one person that changed someone's life. My parents aren't really big on supporting me on any ideas I have. What I don't get is that my parents don't care about my social life and what I want to do. I feel like I'm a deprived child and I'm living a sheltered life. Haha, funny way of putting it, but that's how I feel and it's somewhat true.
All around me, friends are going out and doing everything I can't. Driving is sorta one of those things. I know driving isn't a right, it's a privilege. But isn't that something I deserve? I mean forreal, I'm an All-A student, ranked 19 out of like 700 students, President of the Sophomore Class, involved in church and school clubs, and a person who just lives above the influence. What else do I have to prove? Nothing I do is never enough for my parents. I'm always getting angry at them because I'm unappreciated. Heck, I get a low A, I get yelled at. I know they are pushing me to do my best and succeed and not end up like my half-brother, but sheesh. I got an 89 for a 9 weeks grade in AP Stats (which doesn't even matter, semester averages do) and my step-dad flipped out and started cussing and what not. Like seriously, other people would kill for grades like that. Parents would be throwing parties for their kids! Idk, I just feel unappreciated and that I can't do anything even when I put forth my best.
I guess to wrap things up.......
Freedom is all I want.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
It's A Busy Life
So.......I haven't blogged in awhile. Kinda makes me sad. :( I've thought about it everyday but it's been so hard to find time lately. Just to catch up on things, I'm sick (SUCKS SO MUCH!!!) but I'm getting better everyday so that's good. Hoping I don't get worse so I don't have to go to a doctor. I got my license last week and I just got my hard copy in the mail today. :)))) I've been doing amazing in school. Pretty much all high A's. Lowest grade is prolly a 98? I'm likin' it! Also I've been talking to a lot of random people at school, sounds kinda weird, but it's quite fun and you never know what good you can get out of it because there are people in this world that need that one person to just talk to them or make them feel better.
Speaking of feeling better, there's this girl I know...well I don't know her personally but I know of her. She was crying today so I went up to her and gave her a hug. :) For once, I felt so good about it. Like I just didn't avoid her and walk by. I told her, "I barely even know you but I'm gonna give you a hug." :) It's strange though because I forgot to get a milk in lunch and I didn't bring a vitamin water so I needed to go to the vending machines and buy a drink. By coincedence, she was near the vending machines crying. I don't know but it seems as though that I was placed in that situation for a reason. I'm glad though I was able to support her. :)
Anywho, on with more of my life. Did I mention I was sick? I feel horrible. But thanks to everyone who has told me to feel better and etc. :) I feel like life isn't exactly the way I want it right now, but I've been making small adjustments to help. I'm honestly trying to become a better person. Easier said than done! I told a dearest but new friend yesterday,
"Well breathe in and out, everything will sort itself out. Just place faith in God, he has a plan for you. :) And it's okay. I experience the same as you, but not as much as I used to. Something that helped me is that I realized I needed to let go of things in the past and realize the good things right in front of me and to keep pushing through no matter what. :) Eventually you have to forgive the person and yourself, then move on. Moving on is for the best."
Speaking of feeling better, there's this girl I know...well I don't know her personally but I know of her. She was crying today so I went up to her and gave her a hug. :) For once, I felt so good about it. Like I just didn't avoid her and walk by. I told her, "I barely even know you but I'm gonna give you a hug." :) It's strange though because I forgot to get a milk in lunch and I didn't bring a vitamin water so I needed to go to the vending machines and buy a drink. By coincedence, she was near the vending machines crying. I don't know but it seems as though that I was placed in that situation for a reason. I'm glad though I was able to support her. :)
Anywho, on with more of my life. Did I mention I was sick? I feel horrible. But thanks to everyone who has told me to feel better and etc. :) I feel like life isn't exactly the way I want it right now, but I've been making small adjustments to help. I'm honestly trying to become a better person. Easier said than done! I told a dearest but new friend yesterday,
"Well breathe in and out, everything will sort itself out. Just place faith in God, he has a plan for you. :) And it's okay. I experience the same as you, but not as much as I used to. Something that helped me is that I realized I needed to let go of things in the past and realize the good things right in front of me and to keep pushing through no matter what. :) Eventually you have to forgive the person and yourself, then move on. Moving on is for the best."
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Back to the Old Grind
So I haven’t been able to blog for awhile due to the fact that I’ve been super busy and that I hung out with my homeboy Jesus this past weekend. The weekend of January 28 to January 30 was probably some of the best 3 days of my life! I went on this retreat called Search. I wasn’t fully aware of what it was or what the whole purpose of it was. I just knew I had to go because my youth minister was in a way forcing me to go. Hahaha. Harsh way of saying it, but boy was something in plan for me.
Sooner did I realize that these 3 days were going to forever change my life and how I looked at everything. This Search retreat was beyond words! There were people there who had so much energy that I wasn’t able to handle it! All I know is that I wanted to do nothing but sleep. I’ll skip over what most of we did, since I would like for you to find out for yourself. (:
We did a lot of activities and had the opportunities to meet new people, renew and strengthen our relationship with God, and start a new chapter in our life. It was interesting to be in a room with over 50 strangers. They had come from all these different places and all had different backgrounds. But by the end of the weekend, we were like all best friends and we had developed a bond and sense of love for each other that was so strong that it usually takes like months to build when in all reality it took us a weekend. I honestly didn’t want to leave this world of endless love, closeness, and happiness. But it’s true that you can’t stay there forever. I had to move on with life and return to my world. Back to the world where you had to fight society, know who your friends were, and deal with drama.
I’ll never forget the experience I had with Search 121. All the new friends I met and all the things I changed in my life and will continue to do. There’s not a single moment that I would take back. I have to come and know God even more. And for that, I’m thankful for Team, Adults, and YD’s for making it possible. They made the whole retreat a success and I’m so appreciative of the time and effort they dedicated into it. I honestly wanna grow in my faith and continue to change and make a difference.
By going to Search 121, it was possible to start a new chapter in my life. I feel like a lot of things in my life are gonna need some readjusting and that I’m gonna become an even better person than before. With this, I feel most confident that I can bring about a tremendous change not only in myself but in others. Nothing can stop me as long as I have God on my side. I believe in him and trust in him. Nothing will ever change that. Finally, I love you all! And most importantly, keep it real! (:
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