So this blog post is kinda complex as to all relates to last Thursday which was January 5th. Anyways, so it was dinner time and I tell my mom to come over and talk to me because I have to tell her about something that happened at school. I'm taking AP Bio and we have like a homework stamp sheet and doing assignments earns you stamps and all that. Well okay, I had done every assignment and I received a 100 on it. BUT, on the last day of 1st semester, we had our finals in that class and apparenetly we turned in those stamp sheets so we could be given credit for it. Well I was in the back corner where I took my exam with my headphones in, because we're allowed to. I do not recall seeing a stack of the homework sheets and I do not even remember my teacher saying to turn them in. I remember that I was on Facebook mostly the whole time and watching inspirational videos about anti-bullying and random acts of kindness. Great stuff. So it comes out that I can't turn it in despite the grades are due the NEXT day. So wow, that sucks. There goes my grade. Anyways, I tell my mom and she just starts yelling and I'm getting so worked up. I'm really tired of just sitting there and let people walk over me, so I told her how it was. I told her how she always yells at me for my grades even if it is a low A, and how I working my a** off for school. I balance school, my job, and church. I don't get appreciated for my hard work. There are nights when I'm doing homework for hours and my parents see me all the time doing work. We just keep going on and on, then it just reaches the point where I just start crying because I'm so overwhelmed. At one point in the convo, I even told her, "MOM, LET ME TALK, YOU LISTEN." I really didn't yell it, but I just typed it like that for emphasization. Ahaha. Anyways, I'm just so fed up that I can't even finish dinner. I put my plate in the sink and my mom is like, "Go be mad" or something like that. And I just simply say that I'm not mad, I'm just gonna go in my room. So she just tells me to go in my room and cry. Wow.
I go into my room and I'm just crying out of control. I close the door. Lock it. And sit on the floor in the pitch black. The only sound is my sobbing and uncontrollable sniffling and screaming. I've never been so hurt and fed up. Everything was rushing through my mind. All the pressure to make good grades. How my parents have hurt me so much. I couldn't even begin to express that they've said so many things to me that has hurt me and made me who I am. Like how they've called me "gay, anorexic, faggot" and whatever. It goes on. Just everything was rushing through my mind. I was broken beyond repair. As I sat there drowning in my own sorrow, I did something that caused me to cry even more. I looked up the video, "Lead Me to the Cross by Hillsong United." I watched the video and sang along even though I was crying. It just made me cry even more. Even through all of that, I know that God loves me and will take care of me. I probably listened to that song like 3 times. Then I listened to "You Lift Me Up by The Afters" and I cried more and more. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I probably cried for a good 30 minutes. Even a good friend called me while I was crying and I could not talk. Thank you, you know who you are.
I refused to talk to anyone that night. But I wasn't gonna let it get the best of me. That same night, I turned on my lamp and said a little prayer so that God could help guide me. I was flipping through the bible and I encountered what I believed was God's blessing. What I found was Psalm 69:1-36. It reads as:
"1 Save me, O God, for the waters1 have come up to my neck.2 2 I sink in the miry depths,3 where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. 3 I am worn out calling for help;4 my throat is parched. My eyes fail,5 looking for my God. 4 Those who hate me6 without reason7 outnumber the hairs of my head; many are my enemies without cause,8 those who seek to destroy me.9 I am forced to restore what I did not steal. 5 You know my folly,10 O God; my guilt is not hidden from you.11 6 May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the LORD Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel. 7 For I endure scorn12 for your sake,13 and shame covers my face.14 8 I am a stranger to my brothers, an alien to my own mother's sons;15 9 for zeal for your house consumes me,16 and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.17 10 When I weep and fast,18 I must endure scorn; 11 when I put on sackcloth,19 people make sport of me. 12 Those who sit at the gate20 mock me, and I am the song of the drunkards.21 13 But I pray to you, O LORD, in the time of your favor;22 in your great love,23 O God, answer me with your sure salvation. 14 Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters.24 15 Do not let the floodwaters25 engulf me or the depths swallow me up26 or the pit close its mouth over me.27 16 Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love;28 in your great mercy turn to me. 17 Do not hide your face29 from your servant; answer me quickly,30 for I am in trouble.31 18 Come near and rescue me; redeem32 me because of my foes. 19 You know how I am scorned,33 disgraced and shamed; all my enemies are before you. 20 Scorn has broken my heart and has left me helpless; I looked for sympathy, but there was none, for comforters,34 but I found none.35 21 They put gall in my food and gave me vinegar36 for my thirst.37 22 May the table set before them become a snare; may it become retribution anda a trap.38 23 May their eyes be darkened so they cannot see, and their backs be bent forever.39 24 Pour out your wrath40 on them; let your fierce anger overtake them. 25 May their place be deserted;41 let there be no one to dwell in their tents.42 26 For they persecute those you wound and talk about the pain of those you hurt.43 27 Charge them with crime upon crime;44 do not let them share in your salvation.45 28 May they be blotted out of the book of life46 and not be listed with the righteous.47 29 I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me.48 30 I will praise God's name in song49 and glorify him50 with thanksgiving. 31 This will please the LORD more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.51 32 The poor will see and be glad52-- you who seek God, may your hearts live!53 33 The LORD hears the needy54 and does not despise his captive people. 34 Let heaven and earth praise him, the seas and all that move in them,55 35 for God will save Zion56 and rebuild the cities of Judah.57 Then people will settle there and possess it; 36 the children of his servants will inherit it,58 and those who love his name will dwell there.59 "
I sent that bible verse to 3 people and it helped all 3 of those people. Truly God's miracle. Btw, I copied that from a site I googl'd. It might not be entirely accurate but it still expresses the central idea. It truly touched my heart.
Anyways, leading on to that. That night I woke in the night to either my heart or chest hurting. It continued over the next couple of days. Just all the random heart/chest pains and popping in my heart. Finally, I went to the doctor on Monday and got it looked at. They said it seemed normal for the most part and that my condition was really nothing to worry about until they noticed an abnormality on my EKG. I then had an X-Ray and had my blood taken. They finally concluded that neither my heart nor chest is inflamed, so that's good. But my chest wall could possibly be inflamed and could be causing the problems. Not sure. They gave me medicine, but my parents won't allow me to take it since it will damage my kidneys and has bad side effects. I constantly worry about this condition of mine and now I can't even tell if I'm hurting because of stress or if it is really health-related. I go back to the doctor soon, but I hope all of this works out. I'm actually kinda scared for once, but God will take care of me. I trust and believe in him.
So in conclusion, my life is sort of here and there, but I'm pushing through. Did I forget to mention I ordered Team Limitless: The Anti-Bullying Movement shirts?! Woot woot! I'm so pumped for my movement to get rolling and really spread awareness. :) Lastly, I posted something on facebook today because this was on my mind.
"Here’s my thoughts: If there's anything that I believe most right now, it's that I'm going to change the world one day. Haters are nothing but my motivators. Judge me for my actions or what I say, but you don't know the real me. I know I’m different than most guys. Also, you all are pretty much right, I'm a nobody, but one day you’ll see how even someone like me can turn into somebody more and seriously make a difference not only in other people's lives, but my own as well."
I'm gonna live my life to the fullest as long as my heart keeps beating.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
My Ideal Moment
I just wish sometimes I could walk down a boulevard or sidewalk and admire all the lights. Take in the scenery. Enjoy the cold air on my face. View upon all the bustling life around me. Be worry free for just awhile. Get lost in the moment. Spread my arms out wide and let that smile come upon my face. Soak in the freedom and enjoy the pleasures of life.
The Oh So Not Jolly Holidays
So typically every year when Christmas and New Year's roll around, I usually start to get depressed. I was actually supposed to write this around when the holidays actually happened, but I'm a slacker. Haha. But anyways, I love these holidays and like to partake in all the holiday joy, but it doesn't stop how sad I feel around this time. I didn't really know why I was sad, but I realized that it's because I have no one to spend these holidays with. I mean sure I have my family, but there is nothing close about us. We don't have family traditions or anything. There is nothing special happening. It's just a huge disconnection. I mean I wish I could build a gingerbread house, sit down and watching a movie with hot chocolate, or even just do ridiculous Christmas festivities. Nothing like that happens in my family. Christmas is just Christmas. But believe me, I still do believe in the real reason for Christmas and that is for Jesus.
I know for New Years, people usually put like money in their pocket or something ridiculous to wish for wealth and happiness and all. I remember one year, maybe last year, where I thought to myself. "Why can't I put my heart in my pocket and wish for love?" I'm realizing now that people use New Years as a way of trying to finally change something about themselves. But that's dumb. You're using this excuse. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that someone wants to better themselves. But you shouldn't use a new year as an excuse. You should want to better yourself everyday. I've realized that. But if using "New Years" as a way of helping yourself, then I'm all for it. I just feel that you should want to improve yourself everyday.
As for myself, I plan on cutting down on the money I'm spending, becoming a better person, growing closer to God, changing people's lives, getting in shape, spreading Limitless: The Anti-Bully Movement and doing better in school. I don't know where love will fit into all of this, but I will just let that come to me.
But this year, things were different. I wasn't that sad and wasn't that lonely. It was weird. I don't know how to possibly explain it, but maybe things are starting to look up. I think finally I'm growing out of this constant pain and sorrow. Well I know I can't fully escape it, because I deal with it everyday, but things grow better in time. I'm ready to start this year even better because I'm turning 18 and I'll be a Senior this year. I'm ready for new friends and just the opportunity to really bring about change to this world. I'm discovering who I am and what my purpose is. I'm hearing the calls that God has willed for me to do. 2012 will be a year to be remembered. Here I come world.
My name is Antonio Foles, and though I'm a nobody, I will be someone you will never forget.
I know for New Years, people usually put like money in their pocket or something ridiculous to wish for wealth and happiness and all. I remember one year, maybe last year, where I thought to myself. "Why can't I put my heart in my pocket and wish for love?" I'm realizing now that people use New Years as a way of trying to finally change something about themselves. But that's dumb. You're using this excuse. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that someone wants to better themselves. But you shouldn't use a new year as an excuse. You should want to better yourself everyday. I've realized that. But if using "New Years" as a way of helping yourself, then I'm all for it. I just feel that you should want to improve yourself everyday.
As for myself, I plan on cutting down on the money I'm spending, becoming a better person, growing closer to God, changing people's lives, getting in shape, spreading Limitless: The Anti-Bully Movement and doing better in school. I don't know where love will fit into all of this, but I will just let that come to me.
But this year, things were different. I wasn't that sad and wasn't that lonely. It was weird. I don't know how to possibly explain it, but maybe things are starting to look up. I think finally I'm growing out of this constant pain and sorrow. Well I know I can't fully escape it, because I deal with it everyday, but things grow better in time. I'm ready to start this year even better because I'm turning 18 and I'll be a Senior this year. I'm ready for new friends and just the opportunity to really bring about change to this world. I'm discovering who I am and what my purpose is. I'm hearing the calls that God has willed for me to do. 2012 will be a year to be remembered. Here I come world.
My name is Antonio Foles, and though I'm a nobody, I will be someone you will never forget.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Thank You Samantha.
This quote was written on my wall by a dear friend. Thank you Sam. This truly helps me and I'll accept the fact that it does relate to me. Maybe I am that crazy enough. :)
"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The squares trying to fit into circles. The ones who see things differently. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the one thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things. They push the human race forward and while some see crazy ones - I see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones that do."
"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The squares trying to fit into circles. The ones who see things differently. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the one thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things. They push the human race forward and while some see crazy ones - I see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones that do."
Philosophy 101: Talking to Someone
Whether you are FaceTiming, Skyping, Calling, Talking to, or Hanging out with someone, you should be completely devoted to them. All your attention should be focused on them. Pulling out your phone to text or do whatever is rude. If you're just gonna put all your attention on your phone, then that other person might as well have texted you or something since they aren't all that important. Make them a Priority, not an Option.
Limitless: The Anti-Bully Movement
Okay, so I don't know if you have seen Jonah Mowry's video "What's Going On", but in that video he depicts of how bullying had affected him and everything going on in life. In response, I felt very touched and was inspired by it so I posted a picture of me saying with 2 note cards "My name is Antonio Foles and I believe that we have the power to end bullying." I didn't think anything of it. I got over 70 likes on that photo. (Most likes I've ever gotten on a picture.) The following day or so, I saw a facebook status and everyone was posting stuff about bullying. Some people were against it, and some people were just saying that people need to man up and get over it. I don't know what sparked in me, but I decided to make an Anti-Bullying Group. It started out with like 10 people and grew to over 1000 within a few days. I've met a lot of great people because it. People ranging from my school to people who live elsewhere. It's been amazing. As a result, other people were posting pictures like mine and soon facebook was pretty much rising awareness about bullying. To think that I started all of this, it's a crazy thought. Anyways, I found that this may be my calling to finally change the world.
Here and there, I doubt myself a lot because in honesty I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm headed or where I plan on taking this group. But everyday, I look at the group page and everyone is posting their life stories and how this is helping them and how they have grown into even better people. This inspires me and helps pushes me to keep continuing with this movement.
It's time for the victims' voices to be heard. It's time for action to take place. We're not backing down now. People said that bullying has been around for forever so what could possibly be different this time around? Things are gonna change this time. I have a strong faith in myself and all the supporters of this movement. What we have to offer to this world is what could possibly change the way people are treated all around this world. "Heart to Heart. Hand in Hand. Join the Movement. Take a Stand."
Here and there, I doubt myself a lot because in honesty I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm headed or where I plan on taking this group. But everyday, I look at the group page and everyone is posting their life stories and how this is helping them and how they have grown into even better people. This inspires me and helps pushes me to keep continuing with this movement.
It's time for the victims' voices to be heard. It's time for action to take place. We're not backing down now. People said that bullying has been around for forever so what could possibly be different this time around? Things are gonna change this time. I have a strong faith in myself and all the supporters of this movement. What we have to offer to this world is what could possibly change the way people are treated all around this world. "Heart to Heart. Hand in Hand. Join the Movement. Take a Stand."
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