So this blog post is kinda complex as to all relates to last Thursday which was January 5th. Anyways, so it was dinner time and I tell my mom to come over and talk to me because I have to tell her about something that happened at school. I'm taking AP Bio and we have like a homework stamp sheet and doing assignments earns you stamps and all that. Well okay, I had done every assignment and I received a 100 on it. BUT, on the last day of 1st semester, we had our finals in that class and apparenetly we turned in those stamp sheets so we could be given credit for it. Well I was in the back corner where I took my exam with my headphones in, because we're allowed to. I do not recall seeing a stack of the homework sheets and I do not even remember my teacher saying to turn them in. I remember that I was on Facebook mostly the whole time and watching inspirational videos about anti-bullying and random acts of kindness. Great stuff. So it comes out that I can't turn it in despite the grades are due the NEXT day. So wow, that sucks. There goes my grade. Anyways, I tell my mom and she just starts yelling and I'm getting so worked up. I'm really tired of just sitting there and let people walk over me, so I told her how it was. I told her how she always yells at me for my grades even if it is a low A, and how I working my a** off for school. I balance school, my job, and church. I don't get appreciated for my hard work. There are nights when I'm doing homework for hours and my parents see me all the time doing work. We just keep going on and on, then it just reaches the point where I just start crying because I'm so overwhelmed. At one point in the convo, I even told her, "MOM, LET ME TALK, YOU LISTEN." I really didn't yell it, but I just typed it like that for emphasization. Ahaha. Anyways, I'm just so fed up that I can't even finish dinner. I put my plate in the sink and my mom is like, "Go be mad" or something like that. And I just simply say that I'm not mad, I'm just gonna go in my room. So she just tells me to go in my room and cry. Wow.
I go into my room and I'm just crying out of control. I close the door. Lock it. And sit on the floor in the pitch black. The only sound is my sobbing and uncontrollable sniffling and screaming. I've never been so hurt and fed up. Everything was rushing through my mind. All the pressure to make good grades. How my parents have hurt me so much. I couldn't even begin to express that they've said so many things to me that has hurt me and made me who I am. Like how they've called me "gay, anorexic, faggot" and whatever. It goes on. Just everything was rushing through my mind. I was broken beyond repair. As I sat there drowning in my own sorrow, I did something that caused me to cry even more. I looked up the video, "Lead Me to the Cross by Hillsong United." I watched the video and sang along even though I was crying. It just made me cry even more. Even through all of that, I know that God loves me and will take care of me. I probably listened to that song like 3 times. Then I listened to "You Lift Me Up by The Afters" and I cried more and more. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I probably cried for a good 30 minutes. Even a good friend called me while I was crying and I could not talk. Thank you, you know who you are.
I refused to talk to anyone that night. But I wasn't gonna let it get the best of me. That same night, I turned on my lamp and said a little prayer so that God could help guide me. I was flipping through the bible and I encountered what I believed was God's blessing. What I found was Psalm 69:1-36. It reads as:
"1 Save me, O God, for the waters1 have come up to my neck.2 2 I sink in the miry depths,3 where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. 3 I am worn out calling for help;4 my throat is parched. My eyes fail,5 looking for my God. 4 Those who hate me6 without reason7 outnumber the hairs of my head; many are my enemies without cause,8 those who seek to destroy me.9 I am forced to restore what I did not steal. 5 You know my folly,10 O God; my guilt is not hidden from you.11 6 May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the LORD Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel. 7 For I endure scorn12 for your sake,13 and shame covers my face.14 8 I am a stranger to my brothers, an alien to my own mother's sons;15 9 for zeal for your house consumes me,16 and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.17 10 When I weep and fast,18 I must endure scorn; 11 when I put on sackcloth,19 people make sport of me. 12 Those who sit at the gate20 mock me, and I am the song of the drunkards.21 13 But I pray to you, O LORD, in the time of your favor;22 in your great love,23 O God, answer me with your sure salvation. 14 Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters.24 15 Do not let the floodwaters25 engulf me or the depths swallow me up26 or the pit close its mouth over me.27 16 Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love;28 in your great mercy turn to me. 17 Do not hide your face29 from your servant; answer me quickly,30 for I am in trouble.31 18 Come near and rescue me; redeem32 me because of my foes. 19 You know how I am scorned,33 disgraced and shamed; all my enemies are before you. 20 Scorn has broken my heart and has left me helpless; I looked for sympathy, but there was none, for comforters,34 but I found none.35 21 They put gall in my food and gave me vinegar36 for my thirst.37 22 May the table set before them become a snare; may it become retribution anda a trap.38 23 May their eyes be darkened so they cannot see, and their backs be bent forever.39 24 Pour out your wrath40 on them; let your fierce anger overtake them. 25 May their place be deserted;41 let there be no one to dwell in their tents.42 26 For they persecute those you wound and talk about the pain of those you hurt.43 27 Charge them with crime upon crime;44 do not let them share in your salvation.45 28 May they be blotted out of the book of life46 and not be listed with the righteous.47 29 I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me.48 30 I will praise God's name in song49 and glorify him50 with thanksgiving. 31 This will please the LORD more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.51 32 The poor will see and be glad52-- you who seek God, may your hearts live!53 33 The LORD hears the needy54 and does not despise his captive people. 34 Let heaven and earth praise him, the seas and all that move in them,55 35 for God will save Zion56 and rebuild the cities of Judah.57 Then people will settle there and possess it; 36 the children of his servants will inherit it,58 and those who love his name will dwell there.59 "
I sent that bible verse to 3 people and it helped all 3 of those people. Truly God's miracle. Btw, I copied that from a site I googl'd. It might not be entirely accurate but it still expresses the central idea. It truly touched my heart.
Anyways, leading on to that. That night I woke in the night to either my heart or chest hurting. It continued over the next couple of days. Just all the random heart/chest pains and popping in my heart. Finally, I went to the doctor on Monday and got it looked at. They said it seemed normal for the most part and that my condition was really nothing to worry about until they noticed an abnormality on my EKG. I then had an X-Ray and had my blood taken. They finally concluded that neither my heart nor chest is inflamed, so that's good. But my chest wall could possibly be inflamed and could be causing the problems. Not sure. They gave me medicine, but my parents won't allow me to take it since it will damage my kidneys and has bad side effects. I constantly worry about this condition of mine and now I can't even tell if I'm hurting because of stress or if it is really health-related. I go back to the doctor soon, but I hope all of this works out. I'm actually kinda scared for once, but God will take care of me. I trust and believe in him.
So in conclusion, my life is sort of here and there, but I'm pushing through. Did I forget to mention I ordered Team Limitless: The Anti-Bullying Movement shirts?! Woot woot! I'm so pumped for my movement to get rolling and really spread awareness. :) Lastly, I posted something on facebook today because this was on my mind.
"Here’s my thoughts: If there's anything that I believe most right now, it's that I'm going to change the world one day. Haters are nothing but my motivators. Judge me for my actions or what I say, but you don't know the real me. I know I’m different than most guys. Also, you all are pretty much right, I'm a nobody, but one day you’ll see how even someone like me can turn into somebody more and seriously make a difference not only in other people's lives, but my own as well."
I'm gonna live my life to the fullest as long as my heart keeps beating.
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