As time passes, you start to realize things you've done in the past. Like, "Why did I do that?" "What the heck was I thinking?" It's a common thing for people to say to live a life without regrets. But that's quite impossible for me. And I don't know if you feel the same way. I know deep down that there are things I said that I wish I could have taken back, things I could have done differently, and things I could have avoided.
A couple of times I've seen people crying or hurting and I remembered that I just walked by or I stood and stared with the crowd. Why couldn't I be the one to step in and hug them? Be the one to comfort them and show them back to their feet. So many times I just argue with myself why I couldn't have changed that. The same goes for things I've said and done. I'm not the kind of person to hold things in, but it's true that there is always a certain time for words to be spoken and actions to be executed. I'm sure that I may have hurt people with what I've done or I may have changed the way they look at me. The usual response is that they have nothing to say. I have a thing for making people speechless. It's amazing yet a bit sad. Whoever shall be the one to find the words to respond?
Situations I could have avoided. Now that I think about it, I believe that I put myself into a lot of situations that I shouldn't have been. And what did friends say in the end? "You didn't deserve that." But you're wrong. I did deserve that and as hard as I try to convince myself that I didn't deserve it, I just don't believe it. I'm the one who put myself in that situation. I'm the one who wanted to be venturous or rebellious. I wanted to defy what everyone said and find out for myself. But with all of that pain, comes a stronger and smarter person. A better me.
I recently told a friend who's friendship with me is like that of a thread. I don't remember the conversation word for word, but I'm doing my best to remember and improvise. :)
Me: I just feel like it's not enough to say "I love you or I miss you."
Friend: So why do you say it?
Me: Because it's how I truly feel and I'm not ashamed of it.
Friend: I don't understand. If it's not enough to say "I love you or I miss you.", why say it?
Me: I say it because I really do mean it. I really put my heart into friendship. And I feel like I've done all that I can for our friendship. It seems like my enough just wasn't enough...
As I reflect, how did I get here in the first place? Something changed and I don't like it. Honestly, I really think I am the one to blame. Why can't we go back to those days when we would always talk, life was simple, our friendship was never-ending, and we could tell each other everything? I miss how life used to be. If only it was possible to just live in the moment forever. Always happy. Always loved. Always remembered.
A good friend of mind told me, that sometimes friends go seperate ways, but maybe those friends need to find their way back to each other. And I strongly believe in that. And to end this with a quote. :)
"Even though we've changed and we're all finding our place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends."
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Stuff That Crosses My Mind (The Inner Being)
So this is something that I posted on facebook awhile back, but I thought I'd like to put it on my blog. :)
With all of this time that I have been given lately, I’ve been able to really think about life and just really focus on every single decision I’ve made and the life that I’ve been living.
I’ve realized lately that I left myself love too easily. And as freely as I love, it’s hard for me to accept another’s love. I could tell you that I loved you and speak so many words from my heart, but not get the same response in return. Someone once told me that you shouldn’t let people discourage you if they don’t accept your love, but it’s hard to live by that saying. Why should I go out of my way to do all these things for others and not have them give me the treatment I deserve? It makes me wanna stop doing all the things I do for others. Because in the end, I’m only hurting myself. If I speak from my heart, I’ll expect something just as equal in return, but I won’t get it. Expecting too much just gets your hopes down and hurts you. However, the pain only makes you stronger. It makes you realize who your real friends are.
I stumbled along a quote recently and it said, “Friends are the apologies for your family.” And it struck me quite funny because it’s true. Well for me in this case. You have no idea lucky you are. You have a family to call your own. People who you absolutely love no matter what, care about, and can turn to in times of need. As for me, I don’t feel this way and don’t think I ever will. I’m envious and it pains me so much on the inside. It hurts beyond words and kills me to know that none of this will ever change. You have countless cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, and more. You have all these family reunions, traditions, and what not. You’re probably close to your family and can probably talk to them about anything. I don’t have any of this. And you don’t know how big of a toll this takes on me. I was subjected to a life of nothing. This may seem like a dramatic viewpoint, but you would have to be in my shoes to see how I feel. Family is like the basic foundation of everything. And without it, where does anyone start?
In the future, I am gonna look for a family to call my own. I don’t want my kids to end up like me. I don’t want them to suffer as much as I did. I want them to know and feel that they are loved. I want them to have everything I was incapable of having.
Countless day after countless day, I constantly wonder if there is anyone out there who could really just understand me. I can’t stand myself to hurt everyday. I hurt. I bleed. I suffer. I ache. But most importantly, I endure no matter what.
What am I searching for in this world? My reasons to live? I live primarily for others. “A life lived for others is a life I gladly accept.” But when you live for others, what happens with yourself? People don’t know how much I really do love them and sacrifice for them. And I feel like that’s taken for granted. And when I need someone most, who do I turn to? Who’s gonna be the one to return the favor? Who’s gonna be the one that will make forget about all the pain and worries of this world? Who’s gonna be the one that will go out of their way to actually make a difference? I’ve taken all of these things on and at one point; someone else will have to do the same.
You will trip, stumble, and fall. But you need someone to come along and pick you back up. Someone who will brush the dirt off your face, gives you a hug, and reminds you to keep walking along the path of life. This someone is called a friend.
Something I’ve really noticed lately is that friends don’t really live up to their title. As a friend, you gotta stand up for one another. And I will speak an example that I have my own personal experience with:
Do you know how many people have asked me or wondered if I was gay? A LOT. Do you know how much it hurts me on the inside? No, I didn’t think so. Believe it or not, even my own parents have called me gay. People have even asked my parents if I was gay. Do you know what kind of hell this puts me through? I’m not gonna lie, but I have cried over this conflict. It’s made me hate myself and it’s made me want to shun myself from the world. It’s not who I am. I’m not gay, but no matter how I try, I have to keep fighting society. In the end, what does this matter to people? It’s not their business. I know who I am. And I’m not gonna change myself to satisfy others. I’m straight, deal with it. If you have a friend who deals with this, then help them out. You have no idea what kind of hurt this does to people. And if you have a friend who everyone thinks they’re gay/bi/lesbian, then stand up for them. If you honestly love and care about your friend, then defend them. It’s what friends do. You don’t know how much hurt you are saving them from. I wish I could have been saved from a lot of pain, but what’s done is done. Words do in fact bring people down, but you can be the one to rise them back up.
Lastly, I want all my closest friends to know something. You guys are all special to me in some way. I care about all of you and I don’t know what I would do without you guys. I know I may not open up to you guys that often, but do know I love each and every single one of you. Every second I spend with you is cherished and loved. We’ll all be going our separate ways soon and just know you guys have changed my life in so many ways and I’m thankful for that. There’s a story behind each of our friendship. There have been rough patches, good memories, sad times, and plenty more. But there will never be an ending. Our bonds don’t end when we all move on. Nothing can separate our bond and all the memories that we share. I never wanna lose any of you. And most importantly, I don’t wanna forget anything between us. We have a long life ahead of us and I know we can’t change our beginnings, but I know we can change our path as long as we live it out together. I love you and mean it when I say that you guys are the best things that ever happened to me.
With all of this time that I have been given lately, I’ve been able to really think about life and just really focus on every single decision I’ve made and the life that I’ve been living.
I’ve realized lately that I left myself love too easily. And as freely as I love, it’s hard for me to accept another’s love. I could tell you that I loved you and speak so many words from my heart, but not get the same response in return. Someone once told me that you shouldn’t let people discourage you if they don’t accept your love, but it’s hard to live by that saying. Why should I go out of my way to do all these things for others and not have them give me the treatment I deserve? It makes me wanna stop doing all the things I do for others. Because in the end, I’m only hurting myself. If I speak from my heart, I’ll expect something just as equal in return, but I won’t get it. Expecting too much just gets your hopes down and hurts you. However, the pain only makes you stronger. It makes you realize who your real friends are.
I stumbled along a quote recently and it said, “Friends are the apologies for your family.” And it struck me quite funny because it’s true. Well for me in this case. You have no idea lucky you are. You have a family to call your own. People who you absolutely love no matter what, care about, and can turn to in times of need. As for me, I don’t feel this way and don’t think I ever will. I’m envious and it pains me so much on the inside. It hurts beyond words and kills me to know that none of this will ever change. You have countless cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, and more. You have all these family reunions, traditions, and what not. You’re probably close to your family and can probably talk to them about anything. I don’t have any of this. And you don’t know how big of a toll this takes on me. I was subjected to a life of nothing. This may seem like a dramatic viewpoint, but you would have to be in my shoes to see how I feel. Family is like the basic foundation of everything. And without it, where does anyone start?
In the future, I am gonna look for a family to call my own. I don’t want my kids to end up like me. I don’t want them to suffer as much as I did. I want them to know and feel that they are loved. I want them to have everything I was incapable of having.
Countless day after countless day, I constantly wonder if there is anyone out there who could really just understand me. I can’t stand myself to hurt everyday. I hurt. I bleed. I suffer. I ache. But most importantly, I endure no matter what.
What am I searching for in this world? My reasons to live? I live primarily for others. “A life lived for others is a life I gladly accept.” But when you live for others, what happens with yourself? People don’t know how much I really do love them and sacrifice for them. And I feel like that’s taken for granted. And when I need someone most, who do I turn to? Who’s gonna be the one to return the favor? Who’s gonna be the one that will make forget about all the pain and worries of this world? Who’s gonna be the one that will go out of their way to actually make a difference? I’ve taken all of these things on and at one point; someone else will have to do the same.
You will trip, stumble, and fall. But you need someone to come along and pick you back up. Someone who will brush the dirt off your face, gives you a hug, and reminds you to keep walking along the path of life. This someone is called a friend.
Something I’ve really noticed lately is that friends don’t really live up to their title. As a friend, you gotta stand up for one another. And I will speak an example that I have my own personal experience with:
Do you know how many people have asked me or wondered if I was gay? A LOT. Do you know how much it hurts me on the inside? No, I didn’t think so. Believe it or not, even my own parents have called me gay. People have even asked my parents if I was gay. Do you know what kind of hell this puts me through? I’m not gonna lie, but I have cried over this conflict. It’s made me hate myself and it’s made me want to shun myself from the world. It’s not who I am. I’m not gay, but no matter how I try, I have to keep fighting society. In the end, what does this matter to people? It’s not their business. I know who I am. And I’m not gonna change myself to satisfy others. I’m straight, deal with it. If you have a friend who deals with this, then help them out. You have no idea what kind of hurt this does to people. And if you have a friend who everyone thinks they’re gay/bi/lesbian, then stand up for them. If you honestly love and care about your friend, then defend them. It’s what friends do. You don’t know how much hurt you are saving them from. I wish I could have been saved from a lot of pain, but what’s done is done. Words do in fact bring people down, but you can be the one to rise them back up.
Lastly, I want all my closest friends to know something. You guys are all special to me in some way. I care about all of you and I don’t know what I would do without you guys. I know I may not open up to you guys that often, but do know I love each and every single one of you. Every second I spend with you is cherished and loved. We’ll all be going our separate ways soon and just know you guys have changed my life in so many ways and I’m thankful for that. There’s a story behind each of our friendship. There have been rough patches, good memories, sad times, and plenty more. But there will never be an ending. Our bonds don’t end when we all move on. Nothing can separate our bond and all the memories that we share. I never wanna lose any of you. And most importantly, I don’t wanna forget anything between us. We have a long life ahead of us and I know we can’t change our beginnings, but I know we can change our path as long as we live it out together. I love you and mean it when I say that you guys are the best things that ever happened to me.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
First Day of Blogging
I guess the best way I can start off with my first post is with a quote. After I tell a little background info. Throughout my life, I've discovered new meanings to friendship. And along my journey, I've met people, gained friends, and lost some as well.
"You've changed so much. I guess that's what happens. I wish you knew how much you changed me. It wonder if I changed you, if your life is different because of me. Because mine's different. My God, you taught me so much, and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens."
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
When you're dealing with a loss of friend. It's really weird. To think, I gave so much for them and sacrificed, and this is what happens. To be honest, I've never been so hurt. But then I always think, "Am I not the one to blame?" I never really know the answer. I put my heart into friendship. And I mean every single word when I say things like, "I love you. I miss you. I care about you." Friends are truly my everything and without them, life wouldn't be possible.
Losing a friend is like losing a reason to live. But you know what they say? Life goes on. And indeed in fact it does. However, the memories.....the words.....the feelings. There all still there. Nothing can change the past. And I hope and pray that one day, people will know how they treated us and how we felt. In a way, it's mean to say that I hope they feel horrible. But I want them to realize and promise themselves to somehow apologize and just to never do it to anyone else. I hope and pray. I really do.
"You've changed so much. I guess that's what happens. I wish you knew how much you changed me. It wonder if I changed you, if your life is different because of me. Because mine's different. My God, you taught me so much, and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens."
"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
When you're dealing with a loss of friend. It's really weird. To think, I gave so much for them and sacrificed, and this is what happens. To be honest, I've never been so hurt. But then I always think, "Am I not the one to blame?" I never really know the answer. I put my heart into friendship. And I mean every single word when I say things like, "I love you. I miss you. I care about you." Friends are truly my everything and without them, life wouldn't be possible.
Losing a friend is like losing a reason to live. But you know what they say? Life goes on. And indeed in fact it does. However, the memories.....the words.....the feelings. There all still there. Nothing can change the past. And I hope and pray that one day, people will know how they treated us and how we felt. In a way, it's mean to say that I hope they feel horrible. But I want them to realize and promise themselves to somehow apologize and just to never do it to anyone else. I hope and pray. I really do.
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