Stuff That Crosses My Mind (The Inner Being)

So this is something that I posted on facebook awhile back, but I thought I'd like to put it on my blog. :)


With all of this time that I have been given lately, I’ve been able to really think about life and just really focus on every single decision I’ve made and the life that I’ve been living.

I’ve realized lately that I left myself love too easily. And as freely as I love, it’s hard for me to accept another’s love. I could tell you that I loved you and speak so many words from my heart, but not get the same response in return. Someone once told me that you shouldn’t let people discourage you if they don’t accept your love, but it’s hard to live by that saying. Why should I go out of my way to do all these things for others and not have them give me the treatment I deserve? It makes me wanna stop doing all the things I do for others. Because in the end, I’m only hurting myself. If I speak from my heart, I’ll expect something just as equal in return, but I won’t get it. Expecting too much just gets your hopes down and hurts you. However, the pain only makes you stronger. It makes you realize who your real friends are.

I stumbled along a quote recently and it said, “Friends are the apologies for your family.” And it struck me quite funny because it’s true. Well for me in this case. You have no idea lucky you are. You have a family to call your own. People who you absolutely love no matter what, care about, and can turn to in times of need. As for me, I don’t feel this way and don’t think I ever will. I’m envious and it pains me so much on the inside. It hurts beyond words and kills me to know that none of this will ever change. You have countless cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, and more. You have all these family reunions, traditions, and what not. You’re probably close to your family and can probably talk to them about anything. I don’t have any of this. And you don’t know how big of a toll this takes on me. I was subjected to a life of nothing. This may seem like a dramatic viewpoint, but you would have to be in my shoes to see how I feel. Family is like the basic foundation of everything. And without it, where does anyone start?
In the future, I am gonna look for a family to call my own. I don’t want my kids to end up like me. I don’t want them to suffer as much as I did. I want them to know and feel that they are loved. I want them to have everything I was incapable of having.

Countless day after countless day, I constantly wonder if there is anyone out there who could really just understand me. I can’t stand myself to hurt everyday. I hurt. I bleed. I suffer. I ache. But most importantly, I endure no matter what.

What am I searching for in this world? My reasons to live? I live primarily for others. “A life lived for others is a life I gladly accept.” But when you live for others, what happens with yourself? People don’t know how much I really do love them and sacrifice for them. And I feel like that’s taken for granted. And when I need someone most, who do I turn to? Who’s gonna be the one to return the favor? Who’s gonna be the one that will make forget about all the pain and worries of this world? Who’s gonna be the one that will go out of their way to actually make a difference? I’ve taken all of these things on and at one point; someone else will have to do the same.

You will trip, stumble, and fall. But you need someone to come along and pick you back up. Someone who will brush the dirt off your face, gives you a hug, and reminds you to keep walking along the path of life. This someone is called a friend.

Something I’ve really noticed lately is that friends don’t really live up to their title. As a friend, you gotta stand up for one another. And I will speak an example that I have my own personal experience with:

Do you know how many people have asked me or wondered if I was gay? A LOT. Do you know how much it hurts me on the inside? No, I didn’t think so. Believe it or not, even my own parents have called me gay. People have even asked my parents if I was gay. Do you know what kind of hell this puts me through? I’m not gonna lie, but I have cried over this conflict. It’s made me hate myself and it’s made me want to shun myself from the world. It’s not who I am. I’m not gay, but no matter how I try, I have to keep fighting society. In the end, what does this matter to people? It’s not their business. I know who I am. And I’m not gonna change myself to satisfy others. I’m straight, deal with it. If you have a friend who deals with this, then help them out. You have no idea what kind of hurt this does to people. And if you have a friend who everyone thinks they’re gay/bi/lesbian, then stand up for them. If you honestly love and care about your friend, then defend them. It’s what friends do. You don’t know how much hurt you are saving them from. I wish I could have been saved from a lot of pain, but what’s done is done. Words do in fact bring people down, but you can be the one to rise them back up.

Lastly, I want all my closest friends to know something. You guys are all special to me in some way. I care about all of you and I don’t know what I would do without you guys. I know I may not open up to you guys that often, but do know I love each and every single one of you. Every second I spend with you is cherished and loved. We’ll all be going our separate ways soon and just know you guys have changed my life in so many ways and I’m thankful for that. There’s a story behind each of our friendship. There have been rough patches, good memories, sad times, and plenty more. But there will never be an ending. Our bonds don’t end when we all move on. Nothing can separate our bond and all the memories that we share. I never wanna lose any of you. And most importantly, I don’t wanna forget anything between us. We have a long life ahead of us and I know we can’t change our beginnings, but I know we can change our path as long as we live it out together. I love you and mean it when I say that you guys are the best things that ever happened to me.