Let the Session Begin

So school is back and I'm now a Junior. Wooooot woooot! Upperclassmen! It's been a pretty stressful year so far considering only a couple of weeks have gone by, but I feel like I've been in school for months....sheesh. I'm just ready to graduate! But I'm not the only one that feels that way. Anywho, I know things will work out and maybe calm down a bit, but I know right now I just wanna drop my AP Biology class and I want to quit band. I honestly wish I had finished my summer work and what not for AP Bio and Language, but eh..... 2 deaths in the family over the summer + having to work like 4-5 days a week + having marching band. Just one busy summer. I already feel like a failure, but I need to really get things in gear!

Anyways, I was laying in bed today listening to Canon Pachelbel in D and Four Winters by Vivaldi. And something really struck me, but has been mentioned before. School is important and receiving an education is vital in living out your life and becoming successful. But school doesn't teach you everything. It doesn't teach you how to hold yourself together when you're heartbroken, when you're feeling down, or when you get back stabbed. It doesn't teach you how to fall out of love when you fell in love, how to keep striving for something that's not there, or how to keep living when you have no purpose. School presents us with these challenges. And in a way, it's a good thing because it's an individual journey that we have to venture through along with friends who will aid us on the way.

I wonder if this is how it's supposed to be. Because I really do wonder why I go to school. School will never teach me how to get rid of the holes in my heart and will never rid of the pain that I endure everyday. Everything has to be learned by experience. Just because someone tells you something doesn't mean you won't go do it. "Don't get hurt from him/her. Don't do it." Those seem like really blunt examples but I think you pretty much understand. People will give you all the advice in the world, but whether you use it or not depends on you. And you understanding it's another whole concept.

People aren't who they turn out to be these days and people are constantly judging. It's hard to be who you are and I've realized that, but there comes that point where you have to let go and just be who you are. Though some people may not accept you for who you are, you have to live with the fact that nothing can change you. I know I'm not always saying what's on my mind and sometimes I hold myself in but the only reason I do it is because I want somebody to actually want to understand what I go through and what I really want to say. If you only knew.

I'm just now picking up on this blog and quite frankly, I need to start blogging more and saying what goes on in my life. Things are quite mellow and I'm just doing what I do best. Making sure that my friends know they are loved. :)

The Breakdown

So like a week or two ago, I hit a really low point. This was all written in the present tense but know that this is now in the past.

I have become vulnerable and depressed beyond words. I feel like everything right now is just pure chaos and that I can only cry and feel hopeless. I’m stressed that I have none of my summer work done for school. I already feel like a failure, and that’s all my fault. I’m worrying about 2 close friends and I’m not allowed to speak a word about them. But I’m so worried about a particular friend that I cried as I drove home from practice one day. Not the best idea to be crying while driving, but I fear for friends. I’m scared what the future will bring. I feel so alone and that a lot of my friends don’t know what’s happening to me. If only they knew….they don’t understand what their words or actions do to me. They don’t understand the hardships. I wish I could tell people my story and let them see me for who I am. But people are so quick to judge and I can only continue to be the very energetic, sweet, and alive person I am. I’m not the only one who smiles and pretends like everything is okay.

These honestly aren’t the words I’m trying to say, but what I feel is so real and I want to just to cry and give up, knowing that’s not an option. I can’t even begin to describe what’s really going on in my mind. We all need a hand to hold on our way down, but we also need a push to keep us going once again. I’m on my way down and I need someone there…

On a side note, I was talking to a co-worker tonight and she was wondering about me having a girlfriend and all. I currently don’t have one and don’t see myself having one considering I don’t know when love will ever happen to me. But I talked about some of my previous crushes and what I’ve done for them. What she said in response to some of it, really struck me. She said that it’s usually the sweetest guys that don’t get treated right and have it the worst. And it’s true. It honestly is true. I guess I am a sweet guy, because I will do anything to make someone’s day and it’s the thought of mind that I possess. But the truth hurts. It does. I told her that nothing was really ever done back for me in return and I said “It’s okay.” But I know it’s not okay…. I’m used to saying it because I’m used to disappointment. I really am. As I was driving home, it occurred to be that good guys finish first, not last.

The Car Ride Home

So usually when I drive home, I always think about everything. I swear I could just keep driving with my windows down, the music loud, and one hand out the window, and just keep on going through the night. I was texting a friend last night and I'm gonna post some of the texts mostly word for word, but add more onto it or change it up a bit. I was really thinking about life in general.

"I've just realized lately that I'm just ready to go. Every night I drive home and just think about everything. I'm ready for a new start. I told myself that I can't get hurt again, I can't keep getting attached to people. I can't keep giving until there's nothing left. And I know I can't stop. I need new friends, I need to be away from all of the bullshit. And I know it sounds messed up, but I actually want to mean something. Like in my profile, I'm a hopeless romantic who dreams endlessly and has a passion to make a difference."

And my friend was wondering what's been going on and what's been happening to me that I've gotten hurt. Also, why she's never heard of it. My response:

"Because I never talk about it. It's called being me. It's all about devoting yourself to friends to the point it hurts. Loving and caring about people who could care less. Learning that people won't return the favor to you. Knowing that it's hard to face things alone even though people say you're not. Having no one to turn to because you're all that you have. Trying to believe in love when you know you already doubt. Falling apart with no one to hold you together. Staying strong when you have no option. Regretting your past and re-living the pain. Dream Without Fear. Love Without Limits."

And for me, it's a weird way of saying it, but I'm not Superman. I can't always be there for people as much as I want to. I can't be your hero everyday. I'm not perfect and there's only 1 of me. I focus so much on my friends' happiness because in a way that makes me happy, but at the same time I'm never actually truly happy.

My friend said I deserve to be happy. My response:

"There's a lot of things that people deserve. But we all know life doesn't work out the way we want it to. I care too much about others than myself. People really don't know how much I lvoe them and care about them. And even if they do hurt me, I'll never stop loving them. I can never hold a grudge against someone. But sometimes people leave me no option but to walk away as much as that hurts with a hole in my heart and tears down my face. Story of my life."

This is a new school year and I'm ready to do something more to my life. I'm ready to have new people in my life, ready to discover new stories as well as myself. I want to be cared about once again. I want that feeling of importance and meaning. I'm tired of being hurt and thrown aside for all that I do. I seek for a better tomorrow.

And one thing I didn't say, sometimes I wish I had a hand to hold as I drove, to know I have someone who loves me always by my side.

"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those for whom love still heals, even though they've been hurt."