The Breakdown

So like a week or two ago, I hit a really low point. This was all written in the present tense but know that this is now in the past.

I have become vulnerable and depressed beyond words. I feel like everything right now is just pure chaos and that I can only cry and feel hopeless. I’m stressed that I have none of my summer work done for school. I already feel like a failure, and that’s all my fault. I’m worrying about 2 close friends and I’m not allowed to speak a word about them. But I’m so worried about a particular friend that I cried as I drove home from practice one day. Not the best idea to be crying while driving, but I fear for friends. I’m scared what the future will bring. I feel so alone and that a lot of my friends don’t know what’s happening to me. If only they knew….they don’t understand what their words or actions do to me. They don’t understand the hardships. I wish I could tell people my story and let them see me for who I am. But people are so quick to judge and I can only continue to be the very energetic, sweet, and alive person I am. I’m not the only one who smiles and pretends like everything is okay.

These honestly aren’t the words I’m trying to say, but what I feel is so real and I want to just to cry and give up, knowing that’s not an option. I can’t even begin to describe what’s really going on in my mind. We all need a hand to hold on our way down, but we also need a push to keep us going once again. I’m on my way down and I need someone there…

On a side note, I was talking to a co-worker tonight and she was wondering about me having a girlfriend and all. I currently don’t have one and don’t see myself having one considering I don’t know when love will ever happen to me. But I talked about some of my previous crushes and what I’ve done for them. What she said in response to some of it, really struck me. She said that it’s usually the sweetest guys that don’t get treated right and have it the worst. And it’s true. It honestly is true. I guess I am a sweet guy, because I will do anything to make someone’s day and it’s the thought of mind that I possess. But the truth hurts. It does. I told her that nothing was really ever done back for me in return and I said “It’s okay.” But I know it’s not okay…. I’m used to saying it because I’m used to disappointment. I really am. As I was driving home, it occurred to be that good guys finish first, not last.