So usually when I drive home, I always think about everything. I swear I could just keep driving with my windows down, the music loud, and one hand out the window, and just keep on going through the night. I was texting a friend last night and I'm gonna post some of the texts mostly word for word, but add more onto it or change it up a bit. I was really thinking about life in general.
"I've just realized lately that I'm just ready to go. Every night I drive home and just think about everything. I'm ready for a new start. I told myself that I can't get hurt again, I can't keep getting attached to people. I can't keep giving until there's nothing left. And I know I can't stop. I need new friends, I need to be away from all of the bullshit. And I know it sounds messed up, but I actually want to mean something. Like in my profile, I'm a hopeless romantic who dreams endlessly and has a passion to make a difference."
And my friend was wondering what's been going on and what's been happening to me that I've gotten hurt. Also, why she's never heard of it. My response:
"Because I never talk about it. It's called being me. It's all about devoting yourself to friends to the point it hurts. Loving and caring about people who could care less. Learning that people won't return the favor to you. Knowing that it's hard to face things alone even though people say you're not. Having no one to turn to because you're all that you have. Trying to believe in love when you know you already doubt. Falling apart with no one to hold you together. Staying strong when you have no option. Regretting your past and re-living the pain. Dream Without Fear. Love Without Limits."
And for me, it's a weird way of saying it, but I'm not Superman. I can't always be there for people as much as I want to. I can't be your hero everyday. I'm not perfect and there's only 1 of me. I focus so much on my friends' happiness because in a way that makes me happy, but at the same time I'm never actually truly happy.
My friend said I deserve to be happy. My response:
"There's a lot of things that people deserve. But we all know life doesn't work out the way we want it to. I care too much about others than myself. People really don't know how much I lvoe them and care about them. And even if they do hurt me, I'll never stop loving them. I can never hold a grudge against someone. But sometimes people leave me no option but to walk away as much as that hurts with a hole in my heart and tears down my face. Story of my life."
This is a new school year and I'm ready to do something more to my life. I'm ready to have new people in my life, ready to discover new stories as well as myself. I want to be cared about once again. I want that feeling of importance and meaning. I'm tired of being hurt and thrown aside for all that I do. I seek for a better tomorrow.
And one thing I didn't say, sometimes I wish I had a hand to hold as I drove, to know I have someone who loves me always by my side.
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those for whom love still heals, even though they've been hurt."
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