Day 20: Lent 2012

I woke up this morning with a text message that completely made my day. I won't say who it's from, but I will give you an excerpt of what they said.

"Antonio i just noticed something. You always tell people you + cherish them + u will always be there but i never see a lot of people do the same so i just want you to know that i love you oh so so very much. I have never been blessed with a friend as caring, dedicated + amazing as you & i thank God for that every day. I remember when i 1st met u i was a lil intimidated cause youre everything i strive to be."


There's not really much that I can say but that I am truly Blessed to have such a friend who notices that in me and points out the goodness in me. God really puts great people in your life.

Anyways, it's sort of been a hell week, it being midterms and all, but I'm glad it's finally over. Don't really know how well I did on my midterms, but I hope it's enough. The next 3 weekends, including this one, I will be spending quality time with Jesus. I'm going on 2 retreats and participating at a Hunger Lock In at my church later this month. I really need this so I can get away from everyone and everything. It's time to reflect on my past challenges and my self-image. I'll try to blog over the weekend, but if not, then I will def blog when I come back on Sunday. :)

Day 19: Lent 2012

I hope one day being happy doesn’t always have to be so hard.


Today, my step-dad got mad at me saying I'm always going places and what not and that I put off everything. He told me I had to mow the lawn. It's not that big of a deal mowing the lawn; it's just really time consuming. Anyways, I had asked if I could mow the lawn tomorrow, but he goes and asks me why. My response, "So I can go to church?" I was planning on going to Fusion and all but looks like that wasn't going to happen. He said that I go with him and my mom to church on Sunday. In my head I was thinking, that's not really true. My parents are usually working so they don't really go to church that often and my step-dad blows off church to go hunting or whatever. So in that context, that wasn't a really good argument. Anyways, I ended up mowing the lawn and not going to church.

I don't think I've ever been that mad or pissed. Like seriously? A lawn is more important than me going to church? The lawn could wait 1 more day. I clearly didn't put off mowning it because I tried mowing it the past weekend but the battery died. What my parents, especially my step-dad, doesn't understand is how much Church and God really mean to me. Sure I like seeing my friends and everything, but I have a deep relationship with God. And at church, I feel loved and that I'm at peace with myself. I'm able to really talk to God. At home, I feel lonely a lot and just plain out rejected. They don't understand what I'm going through or anything. They don't talk to me about what's going on at church or anything. All that matters is that things get done at home and that my grades are good. There are reasons I'm not happy or that I'm not doing well in school.

I would never openly admit this until now, but at one point I was going to or wanted to tell my parents, "I wish I could commit suicide so I could be away from you guys. You guys hurt me beyond words and have no idea what I'm going through. I'm so tired of your bullsh*t and the way you treat me. It doesn't matter what I do. It doesn't matter how good a person I am. I've done so much for people that you don't even know about it. There are reasons I'm late coming home or that I'm not getting sleep. It's because I take care of all these people, especially my friends. All you do is yell at me for every single thing. I'm not appreciated for anything I do. I try to be nice and humble with you guys, but you guys have pushed me so far away. I'm so ready to be gone. I'm ready to leave. (To my step-dad) You once told me that you lost your son and that you don't want to lose me, but get this, you already lost me and it's too late. (To both parents) I've never loved you guys, especially for what you've put me through. I've never felt like a son. I'm just here because I am. Don't expect to see me in the future because I will be a million miles away. I just wish I could seriously be anywhere but here."

Day 18: Lent 2012

I've much to tell you, but alas, midterms and school is overcoming me! Soon my blog!

Day 17: Lent 2012

I am my own individual. Society can't...society won't bring me down. There's a lot coming my way and I'm not gonna break down. God grant me the strength to get past these next couple weeks. I know there's a lot in store for me that will really test my endurance and who I am. I'm ready to go forth and show who I am and what I'm capable of.

Day 16: Lent 2012

There's nothing like reuniting with friends that you haven't seen in forever. Today, I had Training for a retreat that I'm going to work at. It's called SEARCH. Maybe one of the best retreats I've ever worked at and been on. There are amazing individuals that I have met through this program, and today, I was given the opportunity to see them again for the first time in 6 months. I honestly could have cried being attacked with all the hugs and yells of everyone. We form such a strong Team that is completely devoted to God and to making the retreat a success and eye-opener for all the new Searchers.

The best thing about these friends is that we share a great faith and we love each other with a love that is unbreakable and undefinable. Constantly reminding each other that we love each other and showing our feelings for one another. I've never felt so belonged to a group of people that really does care about me as well as everyone else around us. These are friends that are worthwhile and honestly ones to keep forever.

God gives us some of the greatest gifts in life, such as life, but there are even greater ones, like a life full of amazing friends.

Day 15: Lent 2012

Here's the situation: I'm in the process of trying to get my Anti-Bullying Movement approved at my school. I happened to talk to my principal and though he commends me for what I'm doing, he said the only thing I can do is get a Purpose and a Sponsor. Check, already done. Next step? Get everything sent in by June 1st so the Board can look over and approve of it. Yeah, that's not going to work out. I'm not potentially waiting 5 months to get my group officialized. There's no telling what can happen to someone in 5 months. So many deaths can occur and so many problems can happen. People need this sense of belonging and support that the group offers. We may be going underground for now, but I hope the Board is ready for some serious action.

If there's something you strongly believe in, then why not fight for it? I will fight for my Anti-Bullying Movement, Limitless. I will bring it to the Board of Education myself. I will speak for all those who can't speak up for themselves. I will show the way for all the supporters as well as victims as we rise so that our voice can be heard. The longer the wait is, the more of a chance that someone might not see tomorrow. Bullying is happening everyday, and eventually one person will lose control and snap. It's not worth losing people who are of value to this world. This group needs to come alive. I, along with others, cannot wait until the next school year for it to be an official club (that's if it even is approved by the Board). We're taking action now, not later. I hope you're ready ECHS and Georgia Board of Education as well as everyone else. I'm speaking up now and I will not stop until our voices are heard.

I may not be a fighter, but I will fight for something that I love.

Day 14: Lent 2012

Wednesday Night. I've never been so depressed in awhile. I seriously couldn't do anything. I felt absolutely helpless. As I sat there on my bed, wallowing in my pain, I honestly wish I could have lied there and just cried. I don't know what's going on.  Someone who has things going for me shouldn't be like this. I honestly believe just some days we all have our off days and Wednesday Night was truly one of them.

I was too sad and unmotivated to even go to church. There's a reason I don't tell people about what's going on with me, or even about my "depression". Probably talking about it with a person would be beneficial, but it just seems as so that I don't even know anymore. I just don't know.

"Through the fog, there is hope in the distance."

Day 13: Lent 2012

I did 5 good things for 5 people today. It doesn't stop there though.

(In my mind) I just can't give up. I so badly want to just collapse and lie there. I can't lose hope now.

"I bleed my heart out on this paper for you. So you can see what I can't say. I'm dying here... I'm dying here. 'Cause I can't say what I want to. I bleed my heart out just for you."

Day 12: Lent 2012

Watch "KONY 2012" on YouTube

Let's make him famous! I've pledged to join the Army and to help create peace. Thanks goes to those who posted the video on Facebook.

Day 11: Lent 2012

So today in AP Language, we read a story by Will Cather entitled, "A Wagner Matinèe". I will start with an excerpt from the story.

"Her eyes were closed, but the tears were glistening on her cheeks, and I think, in a moment more, they were in my eyes as well. It never really died, then -- the soul which can suffer so excruciatingly and so interminably; it withers to the outward eye only; like that strange moss which can lie on a dusty shelf half a century and yet, if placed in water, grows green again."


Throughout our lives, we endure a lot of obstacles that come our way in order to test our strength and faith. I for one speak from this experience and though I may be a burdened soul, I am a better being because of it. At some times in my life, I feel revitalized as if an awakening has come into my soul and I am truly exposed to the world. It is rare that this ever happens and I long for this revival to come again.

I live out my daily life with passion, and I, in some way, set up a facade to hide who I am. It's not that I do it intentionally but that it's part of who I am. You don't know the real me until you try to get to know me. You will find out what I love, what I hate, what my philosophy is, what's on my mind, what I see in people, what I fail to see in myself, why I feel the way I do, where I feel like I'm at in life, and everything about me. And I can't really say I'm setting up a facade, so I'm pretty much contradicting myself, but it's an image that I sell because it's who I am. I am a very outgoing, loud, and crazy person. That's the way I am.

Behind my mask, you may not see who I really am. I feel like the real me has been in a slumber for awhile and I feel like people have been tearing me apart with their judgement and words, but I haven't let that stop me. I remain strong for myself because I'm all that I have. Society has been pounding me and I'm crumbling and falling apart. But you know what they say? Things fall apart so better things come together. I pray that this quote is in relation to my situation.

For awhile I have remained silent, letting no one know of my problems or what's on my mind. My blog has been my escape, but my blog doesn't necessarily capture all the emotion in which I feel and put forth. I always imagine that one day I will truly sit down and let someone know and truthfully answer the questions, "How are you?" and "What's on your mind?" One day it will happen. I don't usually wait for things, but this is something worth waiting for. Someone to come along and ease my wounds and forget the pain. Someone who will understand my life and who I am. Someone who will remind me that it's not over. Someone who will help me put my life together.

Someone who will help me remember what it's like to be happy again.

Day 10: Lent 2012

I pretty much worked all day and went to a birthday dinner for a close friend. Here's lyrics to an amazing song,

"Now I know that I’m not, All that you got... I guess that I, I just thought... Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart."

The last line really sticks out the most to me.

Day 9: Lent 2012

Today I came home from work and the first thing I find upon my bed is a letter. I had completely forgot about it and I knew exactly who it was even without an address on it. I knew I wasn't gonna read it until I had time for myself and was going to be truly alone.

I have read it and did everything it called for. I can't reveal what the content of the letter was but basically it was just a way of appreciating what I've done and who I am. This letter truly made my day and I was practically smiling through the whole thing.

It definitely has made my day/night even better and the part that stuck out the most to me was,

"Today, I will be praying over you ALL day. So let go of any worries, sorrows, disappointments. Give them all to God, for I will make sure He takes care."

Right now I'm worried about a particular event I'm supposed to take part in and there are complications. I really hope it works out. And to tie in with that, after I got off work, I sat with friends and we were talking for awhile. So one of my friends was like, "I need to ask you a question." And usually I know where this is headed but I was calm because just maybe it was something else.

But then the burning question hit me, "Are you gay?" I said no, and then he said, "Are you sure?" Ummm...yeah? I'm confident in knowing who I am and what my sexuality is. Of course this is going through my head. And I say, "Do you want me to pinky promise?" You know, just messing because it didn't seem like a big deal. Sorta. His response, "Man, it's stuff like that!" Like wow, judging based on what I say and jumping to the conclusion I'm gay.

Gah, I was just pissed off. Just constant reminders to make me hate myself sometimes. I'm different so that must mean I'm gay. Society is one messed up picture. I just thought the asking and judging had ended, but no, this is a problem that still persists. Hatred...it's a horrible thing. And I don't want to be the person to be full of it.
Just let go of my worries, anger, disappointments, and sorrow somehow...

Day 8: Lent 2012

I will keep walking forward. I will keep moving forward. You're either with me or not.

In my high school life, I've had a lot of friends, some of whom that were really close to me. At this point of life, I've realized that a lot of them are gone now. And you know what? I'm completely fine with that. Friends come and go, and some of them actually stick around. I for one, am constantly moving forward because I don't have time to sit in the past and drown in my sorrows or past decisions. I dedicate my whole being into friendships and if you can't offer the same, then it might not work out. Not saying that all friendships will end in shreds, but if I serve no importance or real value to you, then I really have no place as being your friend.

Now all of this sounds kinda sad and brutal, but it's really not. The bonds between friendships really do drift apart sometimes and if this is what is to happen, then I will accept it as it is. It doesn't mean it's truly over but that there may be a possibility for a friendship again in the future. I'm okay with losing friends. Whatever it may be about, everything serves a purpose and you can only appreciate what your friend has given you in return. There is good in everything and I firmly believe that you have to thank all the people in your life. Such as the ones who helped you, loved you, and guided you, as well as the ones who hurt you, because in the end, they have all made you a stronger and better person. That's the true gift. Don't take that for granted. God puts people in your life for a reason.

In my situation, I'm kinda just trying to find my place within friends. I fight for all my friends, but it's over when you've given up on me. I want others to fight for me, not because they are forced to, but because they want to. Because they don't want to lose me. I hate to let go of people but everyone has to move on at some point. Life goes on. And as much as I love being a good person and being there for others, there is a time when I simply can't give anything else. I can't set myself up for disappointment. I will give you all I have to offer. 110%. I'll do my part, but will you do yours? I always think, one day I will be gone and that will be it. No holding back. I will merely be a memory to remember by.