Not Alone In This

"There are things in life that we can't do alone.... That's why we have friends." -Me


This morning I was awoken to startling news that my Grandfather on my Step-Dad's side was dying. I didn't know what to think. I barely know the guy and we aren't even that close. I called him before saying Happy Birthday and he didn't even know who I was. My Grandma (G-Money $$$) had to tell him that I was his Grandson. Up until this point I didn't know what to do or even say. I'm not much of a comforter to people in my family considering I don't even really like them. But I knew I had to tell someone, I needed someone to make me feel better because I was about ready to puke and cry. Haven't felt good lately and I honestly don't wanna deal with all the sad people at this moment of time. Because I am scared of death and I can't handle it.

I had a good friend named Matt ,who's one of my co-workers, come over. I called him having woken up, yeah I felt bad but I honestly needed someone. We were both tired from yesterday since we worked long shifts with barely any sleep. And I knew he wanted to sleep and not come over, but I think he later realized the importance of the situation. Because I was huddled up into a ball on the couch not trying to breakdown because I can't handle everything being thrown at me right now. It's good to have a friend who will go to extremities for you. Matt honestly is a really good friend I've made lately and I trust him with knowing my past and what really goes on in my life. He has changed my life in many ways and I thank God that I found someone who understands me and will continue to be there for me when it feels like all is lost.

So here I am, wishing the music in my ears would drown out the worries of the world and the feeling of coldness in my heart. I want to escape everything and I wanna be at peace with the world. I want to stop hurting. Because right now, I'm just breaking down and I feel like I'm beyond repair. I can't fix everything in my life and I'm only hoping that tomorrow will bring something better.

Whenever

I love you forever and ever and always I love you
Whenever you need me
I'll be there right by you
Whenever you call me
I'm there when you call
Whenever you're falling
I'm there when you fall
Wherever your going
I'll be right there showing
Our love's always growing and growing and growing
I know that you know it, there's no need for guessing
When I am requesting, I'm there with no questions
As... I'll go, wherever, whenever
If ever, you need me, I'll be here
Forever

-The Black Eyed Peas

Pour It Out

Sometimes I wish I had someone who I could just pour out my heart to. I know it sounds weird coming from me considering the fact that I have a lot of close friends, but I've yet to find someone who understands the things I do, the pain that I endure, the dreams I have, the past I've lived, and just my unpsoken thoughts. I want someone to embrace all my flaws, mistakes, and just who I am. I'm so happy all the time but people don't know what's going on in my life. I long for a true friend who will know when I'm not okay and help me to see the greater good in life. I need someone to be there when I least expect it. I need an escape from reality. I don't know when I'll ever meet this person but I hope someday soon enough.

Good: Of Moral Excellence

So yesterday, I felt pretty good and I really felt like doing something nice and good and what not. So I go to the bank and cash half of my check so I can survive for the next 2 weeks. Ahahaha. But after going to the bank, I’m like “Hmmm…I wanna do something nice for my co-workers because they are freakin’ amazing.” Like no lie, they really are. Well Heather’s birthday is today but I celebrated it yesterday because my car is in the shop and I have no idea how I’m getting to work today. Wooooh! Haha. So I got her a vanilla cake with fudge icing and get “Happy 21^st Birthday Heather” on there. :) Then I buy some candles and get her a card. I also buy my friend Brittany some Chickfila since I had a coupon for a free sandwich. Skipping ahead…….everyone said I was so sweet for getting Heather a cake and for getting Brittany food. We sang to Heather happy birthday and my boss Miriam recorded it and Heather blew out her candles. Oh the things we do. :) Oh and I spent like an hour talking to Brittany in the parking lot after she got off work. Going to see X-Men First Class sometime this week. Ayeeee!!! But anyways,  I honestly felt happy with myself. Heather said I was really sweet and everyone read what I wrote in her card. :) Apparently, I have really nice handwriting???? Thanks??? But yeah, I guess I really am a sweet guy. I honestly love girls like no tomorrow and the best way to start out a day is, “How am I gonna make someone’s day?” :)

Piano: A Haiku Of My Own

So we had to write haikus the other week for World History Class and apparently they were supposed to be about nature........BUT ya boi here wrote about things NOT related to nature! Shocker. I seriously didn't hear that but my haikus were beast and I still got a 95 overall. :) Here's one of them:

Fragile little keys

Expressing our inner self

Touch the heart and soul

One Step Closer to God

So this past week has been pretty stressful and dramatic, I was sorta in a fight with a friend over how negative they were. At the same time, I talked to an old friend who in like 5 minutes, shut me down. I was telling that old friend about a memory back in December about some fight. I told them how I understood how they felt. That feeling of where you're just whatever and you don't wanna deal with anything. I've been feeling like that a lot lately. Life has been pretty good up to now and I don't want anything to get in my way. I wanna keep being happy and just not deal with any problems.

Things are good now with that friend I was fighting with, however the other one. Uhhh...not so well. But hey, I tried fixing things. It's the thought that counts? Right? :) It's werid though not having that one close friend around anymore. I think back to some of my memories and I sure do miss it, without a doubt. But I can't dwell in the past forever. I'm here now and I gotta make the best of life.

Anyways, this past Saturday, March 5th. I was Confirmed. :) I finally received the Sacrament of Confirmation. I saw this as an opportunity to further increase and better my relationship with God. It's crazy how fast all the classes and what not just passed by. Confirmation was utterly amazing due to the fact that I read the 1st reading amazingly and that Archbishop Wilton D. Gregory was able to take part in our mass. He is freakin' hilarious and is a great person to look up to. Now that I have been confirmed, I feel that all my worries, sadness, and anger of the past week has just flown out the window and that a new life has been given to me. A new chapter in this book of life.

So for Lent, I've decided to give up on cussing. Oh yes I did. This is gonna be probably the longest 40 days of my life!!! I seriously cuss a lot and usually just the sight of certain people makes me wanna cuss so badly. For every cuss word I say, that's 10 cents to the Swear Jar. Gonna be one poor old chap, huh? Hahaha. I've also decided like every other year that I wanna become an even better person. From helping people to bettering myself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. :)

I do however don't like when people misinterpret Lent. Giving up chocolate, soda, or whatever ridiculous thing isn't the importance of Lent. You're giving up something that affects your relationship with God. I'm pretty sure that chocolate or soda doesn't get in the way. I wish people would find the true meaning and I hope that these 40 days will not only change my life, but those who wish to take part in this liturgical season. :)

Looking Up

As I was riding home from church last, I realized how amazing and care-free I felt. I haven't felt this way in forever and believe me, it's a whole new experience to relive. I went to church 3x this past weekend and it made me feel enlightened in so many ways. I absolutely love going to church now. I feel that my relationship with God and within myself has matured and become even stronger. There's nothing really bothering me anymore and I've learned to forgive others and move on with life. I love life and I feel that nothing can stop me as long as I place my faith and trust in God and maintain a determined and open-minded attitude.

I was standing in the shower today and I was thinking about a lot of stuff that I've said to people in the past and now as I think about it, they really don't have anymore meaning and I could care less. I mean I think it's impossible to stop caring about a person completely, but I feel that all these people in my past are fading away. I no longer suffer from those memories and I don't have feelings for them anymore.

It's weird saying that I'm beginning to forget who you are, but it's true. Everyone changes and that's something we can't control. I don't know who you are anymore. I don't remember what it was like to be a part of your life and I'm beginning to forget everything I ever said to you. I'll never say that time I spent with a person was worthless. I would never take anything back and all those moments have helped me become stronger and I've learned from all of it. It's help shaped my future and impacted me in numerous ways. But really, I used to be frozen with fear of the thought that you would disappear. That you would be the one to let me go. Quite frankly, I was the one who let you go. People change. That means I'm a part of that.

I wish I never had to let go of some people, but that's a part of life. "There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go." I'll try my best to never stop caring about you, but just know I'll never stop loving you. It's unconditional and nothing in this world could ever change that.