I know I've kinda disappeared... but I'm trying to get the blog up and going again. One thing I've realized is that I have a tendency to seriously disappear off the face of the Earth. I really try to keep in touch with everyone and get myself out there, but I find myself being occupied with school, church, anti-bullying movement, work, or etc.
Speaking of my anti-bullying movement, I made an appearance the Board of Education Meeting with some friends and we really made an impression. As a result, we were published in the newspaper. Great stuff. :) We talked with a lot of the Board and actually, I just met with the Superintendent and Principal of our school. I can't really say what happened and all, but pretty much, good things are coming! There's a lot to be planned, organized, and worked on, but it will all pay out in the end.
Anyways, my life has been pretty chill for the most part. No drama lately. Excited for prom, and just going with the flow.
This past weekend, I went to Illinois to see my brother graduate from boot camp in the Navy. It was great considering I got to see him and his fiancee's family, whom I never met. But in that experience, I recall being in the airport and walking around. People are so occupied with life and just really don't pay attention to the small details or what's really going on. I told my mom and myself that, "One day I will be flying across the nation speaking of my anti-bullying and spreading the word." One day...
I looked up and about and I was gliding across on the moving floor, I thought that life just goes by so fast and that we really do need to make the best of it. I'm not backing down; I'm going to give it my all. People may not understand what I do, who I am, or what I intend, but they will remember me for what I have done.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Day 39: Lent 2012
There have been 3 things on my mind all day:
1. I long for freedom. To do as I please and enjoy my life. Escape all that holds me back.
2. There's not a day where I don't wish I was born into a different family. I'm going to snap soon.
3. I miss people. And I wonder if they're missing me.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Day 21-38: Lent 2012
I know it's been a real long time since I've blogged, but there's a reason for it being so. I've been caught up in A LOT of stuff. I've thought about a lot of things while being absent from my blog. In order to catch up over the 10 past missed days, I will try my best to condense all that has happened and occurred throughout my Lenten journey.
So the weekend of the March 16-18, my life took a dramatic turn. That weekend I was going on the Spring Retreat with my Youth Group at church. I met a lot of people in my YG (Youth Group) that I never really talked to that much and I grew closer to a lot of people. Everything was going perfectly awesome until that fateful event on Saturday night. We were all partying, singing, dancing, and just having a good time until we were all sent to our cabins and couldn't come out.
What happened....?
One of the persons in my Youth Group, who was on the retreat, received word that his dad was dead. Something worded like that. In that moment, it's as if something just overcame almost everyone in my YG. I for one, wasn't really crying, but I mean I couldn't imagine what my friend was going through and I truly felt for him. Everyone got out of their cabins and we all circled up. The Core Team told us the news through tears and told us how much they loved us and cared about us. Being in the dark, only with a few lights scattered, I sat in that moment.
This moment stands out in my memory so well. I was standing there, hand in hand with my friends. All around you saw people running out of the cabins, bathroom, and everywhere. Calling each other, jumping the fence, and joining the circle as soon as possible. That's what a true emergency looks like. It's weird because I've never witnessed or been in an emergency such as this. It was a chaos, but we all united for a purpose.
We prayed the rosary as a Youth Group. It was amazing how strong our faith grew that night. Afterwards, everyone just kinda did whatever. People were crying and hugging. People were just lying in their bunks. People taking a shower. Just everything. We just knew that none of us could go to sleep. My friend, who's dad died, he was in the same cabin as me and I pointed out to my friends in the cabin that it was so depressing to look at his stuff in the cabin. We packed up everything, but still....it's just sad to think that he was happy yesterday, or even a couple hours ago. Everything just changed.
Anyways, something in me just sort of sparked up and I got with my friend and we formed a circle with the YG again. However, my friend and I got in the middle and we sang Lead Me to the Cross. It was so beautiful. Our voices becoming one and others joining in. Then I led a prayer and had others offer their prayers for our friend and his lost. So many of us were crying. I finally started to cry for the first time that night. I cried while singing and while leading the prayer. I love my friend and I just feel so much for him.
After that, we all hung out in the hall up on the hill and we prayed together. Talked, read bible verses, and just found comfort in each other. That night really brought us together as a YG. I always say that something good comes out of every situation, especially bad ones. And even how bad this situation was, we all came together and really showed that we are a family. We are a family.
I was pretty emotional for the next couple days and I would cry here and there. I could not blog at all and I could barely focus in school. It was just tough.
So that upcoming weekend, March 23-25. I had the opportunity to work on a retreat called SEARCH. I've blogged about it before, but as stated before, I'm not allowed to say anything about it. :) Anyways, it being my 3rd time working on this retreat, I always experience something new and I take back something different from it.
Watching all the new Searchers grow in their faith journey is something that really inspires me and seeing how they all grow close to each other is something that is just plain out beautiful. One song we sang a lot during the retreat was How He Loves and actually I went to Fusion awhile back and they played it and the second the song started, I just teared up. All the memories rushed in and I just thought about everyone on the retreat. It was such an amazing experience and I just miss everyone so much.
What saddened me more is that a lot of my friends that I worked with on the retreat are Seniors, so it being the last Search Retreat of the school year, I will never get the chance to work with them again. It's pretty sad but they will always have a place in my heart.
School has been school. Nothing special, nothing new. Trying to work on my Anti-Bullying Movement, getting things sorted out for prom, and just finish up Junior Year.
So here I am now, just living life. Enjoying what's left of my spring break. I've been working like non-stop so I can have more funds in my account. Along with filing for my taxes, I'll soon have a nice load of money pretty soon. Always a good thing.
Just waiting for the future to bring what is has to bring.
So the weekend of the March 16-18, my life took a dramatic turn. That weekend I was going on the Spring Retreat with my Youth Group at church. I met a lot of people in my YG (Youth Group) that I never really talked to that much and I grew closer to a lot of people. Everything was going perfectly awesome until that fateful event on Saturday night. We were all partying, singing, dancing, and just having a good time until we were all sent to our cabins and couldn't come out.
What happened....?
One of the persons in my Youth Group, who was on the retreat, received word that his dad was dead. Something worded like that. In that moment, it's as if something just overcame almost everyone in my YG. I for one, wasn't really crying, but I mean I couldn't imagine what my friend was going through and I truly felt for him. Everyone got out of their cabins and we all circled up. The Core Team told us the news through tears and told us how much they loved us and cared about us. Being in the dark, only with a few lights scattered, I sat in that moment.
This moment stands out in my memory so well. I was standing there, hand in hand with my friends. All around you saw people running out of the cabins, bathroom, and everywhere. Calling each other, jumping the fence, and joining the circle as soon as possible. That's what a true emergency looks like. It's weird because I've never witnessed or been in an emergency such as this. It was a chaos, but we all united for a purpose.
We prayed the rosary as a Youth Group. It was amazing how strong our faith grew that night. Afterwards, everyone just kinda did whatever. People were crying and hugging. People were just lying in their bunks. People taking a shower. Just everything. We just knew that none of us could go to sleep. My friend, who's dad died, he was in the same cabin as me and I pointed out to my friends in the cabin that it was so depressing to look at his stuff in the cabin. We packed up everything, but still....it's just sad to think that he was happy yesterday, or even a couple hours ago. Everything just changed.
Anyways, something in me just sort of sparked up and I got with my friend and we formed a circle with the YG again. However, my friend and I got in the middle and we sang Lead Me to the Cross. It was so beautiful. Our voices becoming one and others joining in. Then I led a prayer and had others offer their prayers for our friend and his lost. So many of us were crying. I finally started to cry for the first time that night. I cried while singing and while leading the prayer. I love my friend and I just feel so much for him.
After that, we all hung out in the hall up on the hill and we prayed together. Talked, read bible verses, and just found comfort in each other. That night really brought us together as a YG. I always say that something good comes out of every situation, especially bad ones. And even how bad this situation was, we all came together and really showed that we are a family. We are a family.
I was pretty emotional for the next couple days and I would cry here and there. I could not blog at all and I could barely focus in school. It was just tough.
So that upcoming weekend, March 23-25. I had the opportunity to work on a retreat called SEARCH. I've blogged about it before, but as stated before, I'm not allowed to say anything about it. :) Anyways, it being my 3rd time working on this retreat, I always experience something new and I take back something different from it.
Watching all the new Searchers grow in their faith journey is something that really inspires me and seeing how they all grow close to each other is something that is just plain out beautiful. One song we sang a lot during the retreat was How He Loves and actually I went to Fusion awhile back and they played it and the second the song started, I just teared up. All the memories rushed in and I just thought about everyone on the retreat. It was such an amazing experience and I just miss everyone so much.
What saddened me more is that a lot of my friends that I worked with on the retreat are Seniors, so it being the last Search Retreat of the school year, I will never get the chance to work with them again. It's pretty sad but they will always have a place in my heart.
School has been school. Nothing special, nothing new. Trying to work on my Anti-Bullying Movement, getting things sorted out for prom, and just finish up Junior Year.
So here I am now, just living life. Enjoying what's left of my spring break. I've been working like non-stop so I can have more funds in my account. Along with filing for my taxes, I'll soon have a nice load of money pretty soon. Always a good thing.
Just waiting for the future to bring what is has to bring.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Day 20: Lent 2012
I woke up this morning with a text message that completely made my day. I won't say who it's from, but I will give you an excerpt of what they said.
"Antonio i just noticed something. You always tell people you + cherish them + u will always be there but i never see a lot of people do the same so i just want you to know that i love you oh so so very much. I have never been blessed with a friend as caring, dedicated + amazing as you & i thank God for that every day. I remember when i 1st met u i was a lil intimidated cause youre everything i strive to be."
There's not really much that I can say but that I am truly Blessed to have such a friend who notices that in me and points out the goodness in me. God really puts great people in your life.
Anyways, it's sort of been a hell week, it being midterms and all, but I'm glad it's finally over. Don't really know how well I did on my midterms, but I hope it's enough. The next 3 weekends, including this one, I will be spending quality time with Jesus. I'm going on 2 retreats and participating at a Hunger Lock In at my church later this month. I really need this so I can get away from everyone and everything. It's time to reflect on my past challenges and my self-image. I'll try to blog over the weekend, but if not, then I will def blog when I come back on Sunday. :)
"Antonio i just noticed something. You always tell people you + cherish them + u will always be there but i never see a lot of people do the same so i just want you to know that i love you oh so so very much. I have never been blessed with a friend as caring, dedicated + amazing as you & i thank God for that every day. I remember when i 1st met u i was a lil intimidated cause youre everything i strive to be."
There's not really much that I can say but that I am truly Blessed to have such a friend who notices that in me and points out the goodness in me. God really puts great people in your life.
Anyways, it's sort of been a hell week, it being midterms and all, but I'm glad it's finally over. Don't really know how well I did on my midterms, but I hope it's enough. The next 3 weekends, including this one, I will be spending quality time with Jesus. I'm going on 2 retreats and participating at a Hunger Lock In at my church later this month. I really need this so I can get away from everyone and everything. It's time to reflect on my past challenges and my self-image. I'll try to blog over the weekend, but if not, then I will def blog when I come back on Sunday. :)
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Day 19: Lent 2012
I hope one day being happy doesn’t always have to be so hard.
Today, my step-dad got mad at me saying I'm always going places and what not and that I put off everything. He told me I had to mow the lawn. It's not that big of a deal mowing the lawn; it's just really time consuming. Anyways, I had asked if I could mow the lawn tomorrow, but he goes and asks me why. My response, "So I can go to church?" I was planning on going to Fusion and all but looks like that wasn't going to happen. He said that I go with him and my mom to church on Sunday. In my head I was thinking, that's not really true. My parents are usually working so they don't really go to church that often and my step-dad blows off church to go hunting or whatever. So in that context, that wasn't a really good argument. Anyways, I ended up mowing the lawn and not going to church.
I don't think I've ever been that mad or pissed. Like seriously? A lawn is more important than me going to church? The lawn could wait 1 more day. I clearly didn't put off mowning it because I tried mowing it the past weekend but the battery died. What my parents, especially my step-dad, doesn't understand is how much Church and God really mean to me. Sure I like seeing my friends and everything, but I have a deep relationship with God. And at church, I feel loved and that I'm at peace with myself. I'm able to really talk to God. At home, I feel lonely a lot and just plain out rejected. They don't understand what I'm going through or anything. They don't talk to me about what's going on at church or anything. All that matters is that things get done at home and that my grades are good. There are reasons I'm not happy or that I'm not doing well in school.
I would never openly admit this until now, but at one point I was going to or wanted to tell my parents, "I wish I could commit suicide so I could be away from you guys. You guys hurt me beyond words and have no idea what I'm going through. I'm so tired of your bullsh*t and the way you treat me. It doesn't matter what I do. It doesn't matter how good a person I am. I've done so much for people that you don't even know about it. There are reasons I'm late coming home or that I'm not getting sleep. It's because I take care of all these people, especially my friends. All you do is yell at me for every single thing. I'm not appreciated for anything I do. I try to be nice and humble with you guys, but you guys have pushed me so far away. I'm so ready to be gone. I'm ready to leave. (To my step-dad) You once told me that you lost your son and that you don't want to lose me, but get this, you already lost me and it's too late. (To both parents) I've never loved you guys, especially for what you've put me through. I've never felt like a son. I'm just here because I am. Don't expect to see me in the future because I will be a million miles away. I just wish I could seriously be anywhere but here."
Today, my step-dad got mad at me saying I'm always going places and what not and that I put off everything. He told me I had to mow the lawn. It's not that big of a deal mowing the lawn; it's just really time consuming. Anyways, I had asked if I could mow the lawn tomorrow, but he goes and asks me why. My response, "So I can go to church?" I was planning on going to Fusion and all but looks like that wasn't going to happen. He said that I go with him and my mom to church on Sunday. In my head I was thinking, that's not really true. My parents are usually working so they don't really go to church that often and my step-dad blows off church to go hunting or whatever. So in that context, that wasn't a really good argument. Anyways, I ended up mowing the lawn and not going to church.
I don't think I've ever been that mad or pissed. Like seriously? A lawn is more important than me going to church? The lawn could wait 1 more day. I clearly didn't put off mowning it because I tried mowing it the past weekend but the battery died. What my parents, especially my step-dad, doesn't understand is how much Church and God really mean to me. Sure I like seeing my friends and everything, but I have a deep relationship with God. And at church, I feel loved and that I'm at peace with myself. I'm able to really talk to God. At home, I feel lonely a lot and just plain out rejected. They don't understand what I'm going through or anything. They don't talk to me about what's going on at church or anything. All that matters is that things get done at home and that my grades are good. There are reasons I'm not happy or that I'm not doing well in school.
I would never openly admit this until now, but at one point I was going to or wanted to tell my parents, "I wish I could commit suicide so I could be away from you guys. You guys hurt me beyond words and have no idea what I'm going through. I'm so tired of your bullsh*t and the way you treat me. It doesn't matter what I do. It doesn't matter how good a person I am. I've done so much for people that you don't even know about it. There are reasons I'm late coming home or that I'm not getting sleep. It's because I take care of all these people, especially my friends. All you do is yell at me for every single thing. I'm not appreciated for anything I do. I try to be nice and humble with you guys, but you guys have pushed me so far away. I'm so ready to be gone. I'm ready to leave. (To my step-dad) You once told me that you lost your son and that you don't want to lose me, but get this, you already lost me and it's too late. (To both parents) I've never loved you guys, especially for what you've put me through. I've never felt like a son. I'm just here because I am. Don't expect to see me in the future because I will be a million miles away. I just wish I could seriously be anywhere but here."
Day 18: Lent 2012
I've much to tell you, but alas, midterms and school is overcoming me! Soon my blog!
Monday, March 12, 2012
Day 17: Lent 2012
I am my own individual. Society can't...society won't bring me down. There's a lot coming my way and I'm not gonna break down. God grant me the strength to get past these next couple weeks. I know there's a lot in store for me that will really test my endurance and who I am. I'm ready to go forth and show who I am and what I'm capable of.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Day 16: Lent 2012
There's nothing like reuniting with friends that you haven't seen in forever. Today, I had Training for a retreat that I'm going to work at. It's called SEARCH. Maybe one of the best retreats I've ever worked at and been on. There are amazing individuals that I have met through this program, and today, I was given the opportunity to see them again for the first time in 6 months. I honestly could have cried being attacked with all the hugs and yells of everyone. We form such a strong Team that is completely devoted to God and to making the retreat a success and eye-opener for all the new Searchers.
The best thing about these friends is that we share a great faith and we love each other with a love that is unbreakable and undefinable. Constantly reminding each other that we love each other and showing our feelings for one another. I've never felt so belonged to a group of people that really does care about me as well as everyone else around us. These are friends that are worthwhile and honestly ones to keep forever.
God gives us some of the greatest gifts in life, such as life, but there are even greater ones, like a life full of amazing friends.
The best thing about these friends is that we share a great faith and we love each other with a love that is unbreakable and undefinable. Constantly reminding each other that we love each other and showing our feelings for one another. I've never felt so belonged to a group of people that really does care about me as well as everyone else around us. These are friends that are worthwhile and honestly ones to keep forever.
God gives us some of the greatest gifts in life, such as life, but there are even greater ones, like a life full of amazing friends.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Day 15: Lent 2012
Here's the situation: I'm in the process of trying to get my Anti-Bullying Movement approved at my school. I happened to talk to my principal and though he commends me for what I'm doing, he said the only thing I can do is get a Purpose and a Sponsor. Check, already done. Next step? Get everything sent in by June 1st so the Board can look over and approve of it. Yeah, that's not going to work out. I'm not potentially waiting 5 months to get my group officialized. There's no telling what can happen to someone in 5 months. So many deaths can occur and so many problems can happen. People need this sense of belonging and support that the group offers. We may be going underground for now, but I hope the Board is ready for some serious action.
If there's something you strongly believe in, then why not fight for it? I will fight for my Anti-Bullying Movement, Limitless. I will bring it to the Board of Education myself. I will speak for all those who can't speak up for themselves. I will show the way for all the supporters as well as victims as we rise so that our voice can be heard. The longer the wait is, the more of a chance that someone might not see tomorrow. Bullying is happening everyday, and eventually one person will lose control and snap. It's not worth losing people who are of value to this world. This group needs to come alive. I, along with others, cannot wait until the next school year for it to be an official club (that's if it even is approved by the Board). We're taking action now, not later. I hope you're ready ECHS and Georgia Board of Education as well as everyone else. I'm speaking up now and I will not stop until our voices are heard.
I may not be a fighter, but I will fight for something that I love.
If there's something you strongly believe in, then why not fight for it? I will fight for my Anti-Bullying Movement, Limitless. I will bring it to the Board of Education myself. I will speak for all those who can't speak up for themselves. I will show the way for all the supporters as well as victims as we rise so that our voice can be heard. The longer the wait is, the more of a chance that someone might not see tomorrow. Bullying is happening everyday, and eventually one person will lose control and snap. It's not worth losing people who are of value to this world. This group needs to come alive. I, along with others, cannot wait until the next school year for it to be an official club (that's if it even is approved by the Board). We're taking action now, not later. I hope you're ready ECHS and Georgia Board of Education as well as everyone else. I'm speaking up now and I will not stop until our voices are heard.
I may not be a fighter, but I will fight for something that I love.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Day 14: Lent 2012
Wednesday Night. I've never been so depressed in awhile. I seriously couldn't do anything. I felt absolutely helpless. As I sat there on my bed, wallowing in my pain, I honestly wish I could have lied there and just cried. I don't know what's going on. Someone who has things going for me shouldn't be like this. I honestly believe just some days we all have our off days and Wednesday Night was truly one of them.
I was too sad and unmotivated to even go to church. There's a reason I don't tell people about what's going on with me, or even about my "depression". Probably talking about it with a person would be beneficial, but it just seems as so that I don't even know anymore. I just don't know.
"Through the fog, there is hope in the distance."
I was too sad and unmotivated to even go to church. There's a reason I don't tell people about what's going on with me, or even about my "depression". Probably talking about it with a person would be beneficial, but it just seems as so that I don't even know anymore. I just don't know.
"Through the fog, there is hope in the distance."
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Day 13: Lent 2012
I did 5 good things for 5 people today. It doesn't stop there though.
(In my mind) I just can't give up. I so badly want to just collapse and lie there. I can't lose hope now.
"I bleed my heart out on this paper for you. So you can see what I can't say. I'm dying here... I'm dying here. 'Cause I can't say what I want to. I bleed my heart out just for you."
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Day 12: Lent 2012
Let's make him famous! I've pledged to join the Army and to help create peace. Thanks goes to those who posted the video on Facebook.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Day 11: Lent 2012
So today in AP Language, we read a story by Will Cather entitled, "A Wagner Matinèe". I will start with an excerpt from the story.
"Her eyes were closed, but the tears were glistening on her cheeks, and I think, in a moment more, they were in my eyes as well. It never really died, then -- the soul which can suffer so excruciatingly and so interminably; it withers to the outward eye only; like that strange moss which can lie on a dusty shelf half a century and yet, if placed in water, grows green again."
Throughout our lives, we endure a lot of obstacles that come our way in order to test our strength and faith. I for one speak from this experience and though I may be a burdened soul, I am a better being because of it. At some times in my life, I feel revitalized as if an awakening has come into my soul and I am truly exposed to the world. It is rare that this ever happens and I long for this revival to come again.
I live out my daily life with passion, and I, in some way, set up a facade to hide who I am. It's not that I do it intentionally but that it's part of who I am. You don't know the real me until you try to get to know me. You will find out what I love, what I hate, what my philosophy is, what's on my mind, what I see in people, what I fail to see in myself, why I feel the way I do, where I feel like I'm at in life, and everything about me. And I can't really say I'm setting up a facade, so I'm pretty much contradicting myself, but it's an image that I sell because it's who I am. I am a very outgoing, loud, and crazy person. That's the way I am.
Behind my mask, you may not see who I really am. I feel like the real me has been in a slumber for awhile and I feel like people have been tearing me apart with their judgement and words, but I haven't let that stop me. I remain strong for myself because I'm all that I have. Society has been pounding me and I'm crumbling and falling apart. But you know what they say? Things fall apart so better things come together. I pray that this quote is in relation to my situation.
For awhile I have remained silent, letting no one know of my problems or what's on my mind. My blog has been my escape, but my blog doesn't necessarily capture all the emotion in which I feel and put forth. I always imagine that one day I will truly sit down and let someone know and truthfully answer the questions, "How are you?" and "What's on your mind?" One day it will happen. I don't usually wait for things, but this is something worth waiting for. Someone to come along and ease my wounds and forget the pain. Someone who will understand my life and who I am. Someone who will remind me that it's not over. Someone who will help me put my life together.
Someone who will help me remember what it's like to be happy again.
"Her eyes were closed, but the tears were glistening on her cheeks, and I think, in a moment more, they were in my eyes as well. It never really died, then -- the soul which can suffer so excruciatingly and so interminably; it withers to the outward eye only; like that strange moss which can lie on a dusty shelf half a century and yet, if placed in water, grows green again."
Throughout our lives, we endure a lot of obstacles that come our way in order to test our strength and faith. I for one speak from this experience and though I may be a burdened soul, I am a better being because of it. At some times in my life, I feel revitalized as if an awakening has come into my soul and I am truly exposed to the world. It is rare that this ever happens and I long for this revival to come again.
I live out my daily life with passion, and I, in some way, set up a facade to hide who I am. It's not that I do it intentionally but that it's part of who I am. You don't know the real me until you try to get to know me. You will find out what I love, what I hate, what my philosophy is, what's on my mind, what I see in people, what I fail to see in myself, why I feel the way I do, where I feel like I'm at in life, and everything about me. And I can't really say I'm setting up a facade, so I'm pretty much contradicting myself, but it's an image that I sell because it's who I am. I am a very outgoing, loud, and crazy person. That's the way I am.
Behind my mask, you may not see who I really am. I feel like the real me has been in a slumber for awhile and I feel like people have been tearing me apart with their judgement and words, but I haven't let that stop me. I remain strong for myself because I'm all that I have. Society has been pounding me and I'm crumbling and falling apart. But you know what they say? Things fall apart so better things come together. I pray that this quote is in relation to my situation.
For awhile I have remained silent, letting no one know of my problems or what's on my mind. My blog has been my escape, but my blog doesn't necessarily capture all the emotion in which I feel and put forth. I always imagine that one day I will truly sit down and let someone know and truthfully answer the questions, "How are you?" and "What's on your mind?" One day it will happen. I don't usually wait for things, but this is something worth waiting for. Someone to come along and ease my wounds and forget the pain. Someone who will understand my life and who I am. Someone who will remind me that it's not over. Someone who will help me put my life together.
Someone who will help me remember what it's like to be happy again.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Day 10: Lent 2012
I pretty much worked all day and went to a birthday dinner for a close friend. Here's lyrics to an amazing song,
"Now I know that I’m not, All that you got... I guess that I, I just thought... Maybe we could find new ways to fall apart."
The last line really sticks out the most to me.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Day 9: Lent 2012
Today I came home from work and the first thing I find upon my bed is a letter. I had completely forgot about it and I knew exactly who it was even without an address on it. I knew I wasn't gonna read it until I had time for myself and was going to be truly alone.
I have read it and did everything it called for. I can't reveal what the content of the letter was but basically it was just a way of appreciating what I've done and who I am. This letter truly made my day and I was practically smiling through the whole thing.
It definitely has made my day/night even better and the part that stuck out the most to me was,
"Today, I will be praying over you ALL day. So let go of any worries, sorrows, disappointments. Give them all to God, for I will make sure He takes care."
Right now I'm worried about a particular event I'm supposed to take part in and there are complications. I really hope it works out. And to tie in with that, after I got off work, I sat with friends and we were talking for awhile. So one of my friends was like, "I need to ask you a question." And usually I know where this is headed but I was calm because just maybe it was something else.
But then the burning question hit me, "Are you gay?" I said no, and then he said, "Are you sure?" Ummm...yeah? I'm confident in knowing who I am and what my sexuality is. Of course this is going through my head. And I say, "Do you want me to pinky promise?" You know, just messing because it didn't seem like a big deal. Sorta. His response, "Man, it's stuff like that!" Like wow, judging based on what I say and jumping to the conclusion I'm gay.
Gah, I was just pissed off. Just constant reminders to make me hate myself sometimes. I'm different so that must mean I'm gay. Society is one messed up picture. I just thought the asking and judging had ended, but no, this is a problem that still persists. Hatred...it's a horrible thing. And I don't want to be the person to be full of it.
Just let go of my worries, anger, disappointments, and sorrow somehow...
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Day 8: Lent 2012
I will keep walking forward. I will keep moving forward. You're either with me or not.
In my high school life, I've had a lot of friends, some of whom that were really close to me. At this point of life, I've realized that a lot of them are gone now. And you know what? I'm completely fine with that. Friends come and go, and some of them actually stick around. I for one, am constantly moving forward because I don't have time to sit in the past and drown in my sorrows or past decisions. I dedicate my whole being into friendships and if you can't offer the same, then it might not work out. Not saying that all friendships will end in shreds, but if I serve no importance or real value to you, then I really have no place as being your friend.
Now all of this sounds kinda sad and brutal, but it's really not. The bonds between friendships really do drift apart sometimes and if this is what is to happen, then I will accept it as it is. It doesn't mean it's truly over but that there may be a possibility for a friendship again in the future. I'm okay with losing friends. Whatever it may be about, everything serves a purpose and you can only appreciate what your friend has given you in return. There is good in everything and I firmly believe that you have to thank all the people in your life. Such as the ones who helped you, loved you, and guided you, as well as the ones who hurt you, because in the end, they have all made you a stronger and better person. That's the true gift. Don't take that for granted. God puts people in your life for a reason.
In my situation, I'm kinda just trying to find my place within friends. I fight for all my friends, but it's over when you've given up on me. I want others to fight for me, not because they are forced to, but because they want to. Because they don't want to lose me. I hate to let go of people but everyone has to move on at some point. Life goes on. And as much as I love being a good person and being there for others, there is a time when I simply can't give anything else. I can't set myself up for disappointment. I will give you all I have to offer. 110%. I'll do my part, but will you do yours? I always think, one day I will be gone and that will be it. No holding back. I will merely be a memory to remember by.
In my high school life, I've had a lot of friends, some of whom that were really close to me. At this point of life, I've realized that a lot of them are gone now. And you know what? I'm completely fine with that. Friends come and go, and some of them actually stick around. I for one, am constantly moving forward because I don't have time to sit in the past and drown in my sorrows or past decisions. I dedicate my whole being into friendships and if you can't offer the same, then it might not work out. Not saying that all friendships will end in shreds, but if I serve no importance or real value to you, then I really have no place as being your friend.
Now all of this sounds kinda sad and brutal, but it's really not. The bonds between friendships really do drift apart sometimes and if this is what is to happen, then I will accept it as it is. It doesn't mean it's truly over but that there may be a possibility for a friendship again in the future. I'm okay with losing friends. Whatever it may be about, everything serves a purpose and you can only appreciate what your friend has given you in return. There is good in everything and I firmly believe that you have to thank all the people in your life. Such as the ones who helped you, loved you, and guided you, as well as the ones who hurt you, because in the end, they have all made you a stronger and better person. That's the true gift. Don't take that for granted. God puts people in your life for a reason.
In my situation, I'm kinda just trying to find my place within friends. I fight for all my friends, but it's over when you've given up on me. I want others to fight for me, not because they are forced to, but because they want to. Because they don't want to lose me. I hate to let go of people but everyone has to move on at some point. Life goes on. And as much as I love being a good person and being there for others, there is a time when I simply can't give anything else. I can't set myself up for disappointment. I will give you all I have to offer. 110%. I'll do my part, but will you do yours? I always think, one day I will be gone and that will be it. No holding back. I will merely be a memory to remember by.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Day 7: Lent 2012
So today was very interesting emotionally and spiritually, but all I have to say is,
"At one point you will have to fight for me because I'm doing all I can and I'm leaving. If I'm worth keeping, then fight. If not, I understand and I will walk away."
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Day 6: Lent 2012
So tomorrow is February 29, and since it is a leap year, we are given one more day. No big deal, right? Wrong.
Take this time to take advantage of one more day this year. Make a difference. Do something nice for someone. Tell a friend you love them or how much they mean to you. Help a stranger. Set everything straight with current issues. You have another day to get things right. God is giving us an opportunity to do more not only for ourself, but for others.
For me, well I'm not sure, but I'm not gonna let this moment pass me by. Tomorrow will surprise me with what it has to bring.
What are you gonna challenge yourself to do?
Monday, February 27, 2012
Day 5: Lent 2012
A friend of mine texted me out of
the blue today. I wasn't expecting it because they've never really ever texted me before but what they had to tell me was what really turned this day around.
They had told me before that they had went to church awhile back and were praying to receive Jesus. I thought that this was peculiar because this person has definitely led an interesting life. Why the sudden change? But I come to find out today that my friend wants to become a Christian. And I thought to myself, that's kinda weird, aren't you already one? Well my friend has been going to the same church their whole life, but now they've made the decision they really do want to take on the role and life as a Christian.
I think throughout our life, we go to church and just kinda go through the motions. Not really paying attention to detail and just letting words said to us go through one ear and out the other. We're Christians, but we're not living up to it.
But now that my friend has decided to become a Christian and really take on the responsibility and duties of being one, I feel like they are making one of the biggest and best decisions of their life. I don't think they really know how proud I am of them. Turning their life around and devoting it to God. God will take care of my friend and help guide and lead them.
We are all called to be devout disciples to God and in this we serve and spread his Word. We live by it and use it to work through others. Not only that, we are to listen to God when he speaks to us. Listen to what he has to say. Everyday is an opportunity for our relationship to grow closer with God and to help others find him. My friend has truly found him.
To my friend, we haven't known each other that long ever since high school, but what you're doing now is a giant step forward for you. I really am proud of you beyond words. I'm with you every step of the way. I love you so much and you mean a lot to me. Don't forget that. I pray that your relationship with God will grow and become strong and that you may come to see his Love, Forgiveness, Guidance, Understanding, Grace, Beauty, and Power throughout your life.
"But whatever gains I had, these I have come to consider a loss because of Christ. More than that, I consider everything a loss because of the supreme good of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have accepted the lost all things and I consider them so much rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him [...] to know him and the power of his resurrection and sharing of his sufferings by being confirmed to his death [...] It is not that I have already taken hold of it or have already attained perfect maturity, but I continue my pursuit in hope that I may possess it. Brothers, I for my part do not consider myself to have taken possession. Just one thing: Forgetting what lies behind but straining forward to what lies ahead, I continue my pursuit toward the goal, the prize of God's upward calling, in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 3:7-9,12-14
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Day 4: Lent 2012
What does being Holy mean?
As defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary, holy is
As defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary, holy is
- exalted or worthy of complete devotion as one perfect in goodness and righteousness
- divine <for the Lord our God is holy — Psalms 99:9(Authorized Version)>
- devoted entirely to the deity or the work of the deity <a holy temple> <holy prophets>
- having a divine quality <holy love> b : venerated as or as if sacred <holy scripture> <a holy relic>
Okay so now that we know what holy is, how do we be holy? Or even better yet, how do we live holy lives?
I for one am totally devoted to God. God is my homeboy. We talk, text, and hangout all the time. He's just always there for me. He really is. But anyways, saying that you are devoted and living a holy life doesn't mean that you really are. Don't be all talk. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. And if people are accusing you of not living true to your word, then don't try to prove it to them, prove it to yourself. No one knows your relationship with God better than you do.
Being holy isn't just going to church and saying a prayer here and there. Being holy is sort of like being the sun. You're probably wondering, "What the heck?". But no really. For example, the sun is always bright and radiating. And when sunset comes, just because it's gone doesn't mean it stops shining. And that relates to being holy and with your faith. God's grace and wisdom radiates through you for all the world to see, and even in the dark, you still shine. To me the dark resembles being by yourself when people can't see you or when you're not around people you know. You still shine. You don't stop being holy. You keep radiating that faith and determination. You continue to make the right decisions for God. Being holy isn't like a light switch. You can't just turn it on when you feel like it and turning it off when you could care less. I mean you can, but that's not how it should be treated. You're either all for God or not at all.
I live a constant prayer life. Before I didn't give much thanks to God and didn't really acknowledge what he's been doing for me, but now I've become more aware of that. I thank him for being able to live another day and to see tomorrow. For having a home, car, a job, friends, and etc. I even thank him for all the pain, the hurtful friends, the cruel strangers, and all the suffering. If that's what God wills me to do, then so be it. I tell him, "God if this is what you want to put me through, then do it. I will gladly accept it. I may not like it, but you're the one with the plan and you know what's best for me. Something good comes out of everything and I know it with all my heart. I'm here to serve you Lord and no one else alone." I abstain from sex, alchohol, and drugs as well. Your body is a temple and you shouldn't be harming your temple, for the soul lives within the temple.
I've really never thought if I'm holy or what. It's a peculiar question. I just know that I remain faithful to God and I live and praise his word. You can call me holy, a liar, a hypocrite, a good person, or whatever. But that doesn't matter to me because in the end I know where I stand with God.
Keep your head up and your Faith strong.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Day 3: Lent 2012
This post is in dedication to all those who are involved in car accidents.
February 1, 2012. That was the day I had my license for a full year. I had posted on Twitter earlier that day that I had never been in a car accident or gotten a ticket. Boy how ironic was it when I got into a wreck that afternoon on my way home in the process of getting my paycheck along the way.
Sure I had a nosebleed, burnt left hand, and extreme soreness throughout my body...but that's all the information people knew. I told them how the accident happened and people showed their sympathy and concern, but what they don't understand is what goes on mentally and emotionally. From time to time when I drive, I relive my accident. I take sharp breaths here and there and I'll maybe flinch too, but that's because the accident is still etched in my memory. I can feel that pain and the rush of emotions through me.
Some close friends asked me and discussed with me, "How close were you to dying? For example, police officers and other officials say that so and so was 2 feet away from a tree and could have been dead." For me, I don't know. Nothing of that sort was said to me. But what I discussed with them that was really important is what went on in my mind during that accident.
I hope none of you will ever have to experience this, but take a second to imagine, you look in your rearview mirror and there is a car flying towards you. What do you do? There's no time to think, move, or even take action. You.are.completely.helpless. The feeling of being helpless and not being able to do a thing is the worst feeling ever. You can't control the situation. Whatever is thrown at you, you take it as it is. And may the best survive.
At that moment, which was maybe one of the craziest moments of my life, everything rushed through my head in that one second. I saw that car and I thought, "Is this it? Is this how my life is going to end? This can't be happening. I'm so scared. I'm afraid for what's gonna happen next. What about my friend who is in the passenger seat? Why did I bring her with me? Why didn't we leave school at a different time? What if she dies? How can I live with myself? Has my life been worthy enough to end now? What can I do? Is this truly the end?"
That was truly an experience I will never forget. Being in the hospital and enduring the next days were horrible since I was truly in so much pain, but I've learned to never take life for granted. I remember the whole accident like it was yesterday. The moment the wreck happened I felt like I was in a commercial or tv. As funny as that may sound, it's really not. I told my friend, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" I'm truly sorry. I can't believe I put her through that. Even though it wasn't my fault, she will live on with this experience too. When we were free from the wreck, we hugged each other and just cried. We were both alive. But still....in moments people's lives can be taken away and luckily and thankfully, we came out alive and well.
To this day, I'm still a bit edgy when people are driving behind me or slowing to a stop. I've become more a self-defensive driver. No matter how great of a driver you are, you never know how well the others are around you. Stay safe and live above the influence.
It's raining outside. Some say that the rain makes them feel sad and others happy. For me, it makes me want to run through a storm just to be with you.
February 1, 2012. That was the day I had my license for a full year. I had posted on Twitter earlier that day that I had never been in a car accident or gotten a ticket. Boy how ironic was it when I got into a wreck that afternoon on my way home in the process of getting my paycheck along the way.
Sure I had a nosebleed, burnt left hand, and extreme soreness throughout my body...but that's all the information people knew. I told them how the accident happened and people showed their sympathy and concern, but what they don't understand is what goes on mentally and emotionally. From time to time when I drive, I relive my accident. I take sharp breaths here and there and I'll maybe flinch too, but that's because the accident is still etched in my memory. I can feel that pain and the rush of emotions through me.
Some close friends asked me and discussed with me, "How close were you to dying? For example, police officers and other officials say that so and so was 2 feet away from a tree and could have been dead." For me, I don't know. Nothing of that sort was said to me. But what I discussed with them that was really important is what went on in my mind during that accident.
I hope none of you will ever have to experience this, but take a second to imagine, you look in your rearview mirror and there is a car flying towards you. What do you do? There's no time to think, move, or even take action. You.are.completely.helpless. The feeling of being helpless and not being able to do a thing is the worst feeling ever. You can't control the situation. Whatever is thrown at you, you take it as it is. And may the best survive.
At that moment, which was maybe one of the craziest moments of my life, everything rushed through my head in that one second. I saw that car and I thought, "Is this it? Is this how my life is going to end? This can't be happening. I'm so scared. I'm afraid for what's gonna happen next. What about my friend who is in the passenger seat? Why did I bring her with me? Why didn't we leave school at a different time? What if she dies? How can I live with myself? Has my life been worthy enough to end now? What can I do? Is this truly the end?"
That was truly an experience I will never forget. Being in the hospital and enduring the next days were horrible since I was truly in so much pain, but I've learned to never take life for granted. I remember the whole accident like it was yesterday. The moment the wreck happened I felt like I was in a commercial or tv. As funny as that may sound, it's really not. I told my friend, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" I'm truly sorry. I can't believe I put her through that. Even though it wasn't my fault, she will live on with this experience too. When we were free from the wreck, we hugged each other and just cried. We were both alive. But still....in moments people's lives can be taken away and luckily and thankfully, we came out alive and well.
To this day, I'm still a bit edgy when people are driving behind me or slowing to a stop. I've become more a self-defensive driver. No matter how great of a driver you are, you never know how well the others are around you. Stay safe and live above the influence.
It's raining outside. Some say that the rain makes them feel sad and others happy. For me, it makes me want to run through a storm just to be with you.
Day 2: Lent 2012
I feel like everyday I check Facebook, someone gets into a car accident. All I can say is my prayers go out to everyone and to never take life for granted. Remind someone how much they mean to you and always be nice to all you see. You just never know what will happen.
Won't you let me live my life? I'm just a teenager. I won't be young forever.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Day 1: Lent 2012
On my way to work today, I was thinking about how my life has been going lately especially over this past break. Having a job and being part of the work world, it's really a different life. I mean I wish I could spend time with friends, enjoy the weather, or do as I please, but it's not like that. I can work all day, from sunrise to sunset, and I come home at the end of the day to nothing. Nothing in the sense that I have to eat dinner alone, and embrace the fact that I haven't been able to hang out with anyone. This is what life will be like when you're older. You have a responsibility and you have to earn your living. I've gotten a taste of that. Enjoy life while you can with all the freedom you've been given.
Today I worked a straight 8 1/2 hours without a break. It was pretty intense, but I do work son! Anyways, every time I work there is practically something that happens that day that is memorable. Today was truly one of those days. I was working back drive-through and a pair of teenagers pull up to pay for their food. Their total was $2.14. The couple handed me a dollar and some change and they continued to search their car for money. When they asked how much they had given me. It was $1.38. They gave me more but it wasn't enough. Looking at them, I decided to pitch in a dollar to pay for the rest. I gave them their leftover change and they were super thankful for it. I felt really good about myself.
But it doesn't stop there! So a couple orders later, an older woman pulls up to pay. Her total was $9.06. She gives me a bunch of 1's and the 6¢ and I count it at first and there's 10. I was like no that can't be right. Why is there an extra 1? I asked her and she sensed my confusion. She later explained to me that the extra $1 was a tip since I'm working and that I'm nice. I simply couldn't accept it, but she said she does it all the time. I tried handing it back but she started to drive off. I just said thank you. What great karma. My dollar found its way back to me.
God truly does work in mysterious ways.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Lent: The 40 Day Journey
So I've been thinking about what I want to do for Lent. Primarily, every year I honestly try to become a better person. And it's possible because no one is perfect. Last year, I gave up cussing and that didn't go too well...haha.
But anyways, this year I found something more meaningful to do. Everyday, I will journal/blog about my life. What's going on, struggles, accomplishments, my Faith, my Philosophy on matters, future plans, things on my mind, and the list rolls on and on. And you're probably thinking, "Well that's you're supposed to talk about when you blog." For me, this is different because you will see a different side of me. What's really going on in my life and how people have no idea what I'm going through. The Unspoken Thoughts and Words will come to light.
Along with that, everyday I'll be making an inspirational notecard. It will end up on a wall, on a table, in someone's hands, on a mirror, or etc. The whole purpose is to give hope to all. Inspiration. Pass It On.
At the end of these 40 Days, I will be a changed person and you will see me in a different light. This is a journey I'm taking. I walk alone, but I'm never alone at heart.
That horizon looks so beautiful. Won't you stop and admire it with me?
Monday, February 20, 2012
Here I Am
I feel like I'm tearing at the seams. How can someone like me who has almost everything going for him feel like a complete abandonment? I feel ultimately alone and I'm not sure what to do. I need someone...but where are they? Do they not hear my cries of anguish or the call for assistance? People suspect that someone like me wouldn't really need anybody to lean on. Primarily because of the fact that I'm always so happy. And truthfully, I am pretty happy. But at the same time, I feel out of place. I don't have that group of close knit friends. I'm just Antonio. I'm all that I have. I am my own group and it's lonesome. No one has ever showed me how much they cared about me. Never returned the favor I did for them. I just don't want to feel alone anymore.
"One voice in a sea of pain.
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breakin' heart?
One light, that's all I am.
Right now I can barely stand.
If You're everything You say You are, Won't You come close and hold my heart?"
-Tenth Avenue North
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
God Works Through Us
One thing that will always fascinate me is how beautiful it is to see how God has worked through someone. That strong faith and enduring relationship is a true sight to behold.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
First
"The first to apologize is the bravest, the first to forgive is the strongest, and the first to forget is the happiest."
Thursday, January 12, 2012
My Heart Beating Is A Calling
So this blog post is kinda complex as to all relates to last Thursday which was January 5th. Anyways, so it was dinner time and I tell my mom to come over and talk to me because I have to tell her about something that happened at school. I'm taking AP Bio and we have like a homework stamp sheet and doing assignments earns you stamps and all that. Well okay, I had done every assignment and I received a 100 on it. BUT, on the last day of 1st semester, we had our finals in that class and apparenetly we turned in those stamp sheets so we could be given credit for it. Well I was in the back corner where I took my exam with my headphones in, because we're allowed to. I do not recall seeing a stack of the homework sheets and I do not even remember my teacher saying to turn them in. I remember that I was on Facebook mostly the whole time and watching inspirational videos about anti-bullying and random acts of kindness. Great stuff. So it comes out that I can't turn it in despite the grades are due the NEXT day. So wow, that sucks. There goes my grade. Anyways, I tell my mom and she just starts yelling and I'm getting so worked up. I'm really tired of just sitting there and let people walk over me, so I told her how it was. I told her how she always yells at me for my grades even if it is a low A, and how I working my a** off for school. I balance school, my job, and church. I don't get appreciated for my hard work. There are nights when I'm doing homework for hours and my parents see me all the time doing work. We just keep going on and on, then it just reaches the point where I just start crying because I'm so overwhelmed. At one point in the convo, I even told her, "MOM, LET ME TALK, YOU LISTEN." I really didn't yell it, but I just typed it like that for emphasization. Ahaha. Anyways, I'm just so fed up that I can't even finish dinner. I put my plate in the sink and my mom is like, "Go be mad" or something like that. And I just simply say that I'm not mad, I'm just gonna go in my room. So she just tells me to go in my room and cry. Wow.
I go into my room and I'm just crying out of control. I close the door. Lock it. And sit on the floor in the pitch black. The only sound is my sobbing and uncontrollable sniffling and screaming. I've never been so hurt and fed up. Everything was rushing through my mind. All the pressure to make good grades. How my parents have hurt me so much. I couldn't even begin to express that they've said so many things to me that has hurt me and made me who I am. Like how they've called me "gay, anorexic, faggot" and whatever. It goes on. Just everything was rushing through my mind. I was broken beyond repair. As I sat there drowning in my own sorrow, I did something that caused me to cry even more. I looked up the video, "Lead Me to the Cross by Hillsong United." I watched the video and sang along even though I was crying. It just made me cry even more. Even through all of that, I know that God loves me and will take care of me. I probably listened to that song like 3 times. Then I listened to "You Lift Me Up by The Afters" and I cried more and more. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I probably cried for a good 30 minutes. Even a good friend called me while I was crying and I could not talk. Thank you, you know who you are.
I refused to talk to anyone that night. But I wasn't gonna let it get the best of me. That same night, I turned on my lamp and said a little prayer so that God could help guide me. I was flipping through the bible and I encountered what I believed was God's blessing. What I found was Psalm 69:1-36. It reads as:
"1 Save me, O God, for the waters1 have come up to my neck.2 2 I sink in the miry depths,3 where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. 3 I am worn out calling for help;4 my throat is parched. My eyes fail,5 looking for my God. 4 Those who hate me6 without reason7 outnumber the hairs of my head; many are my enemies without cause,8 those who seek to destroy me.9 I am forced to restore what I did not steal. 5 You know my folly,10 O God; my guilt is not hidden from you.11 6 May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the LORD Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel. 7 For I endure scorn12 for your sake,13 and shame covers my face.14 8 I am a stranger to my brothers, an alien to my own mother's sons;15 9 for zeal for your house consumes me,16 and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.17 10 When I weep and fast,18 I must endure scorn; 11 when I put on sackcloth,19 people make sport of me. 12 Those who sit at the gate20 mock me, and I am the song of the drunkards.21 13 But I pray to you, O LORD, in the time of your favor;22 in your great love,23 O God, answer me with your sure salvation. 14 Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters.24 15 Do not let the floodwaters25 engulf me or the depths swallow me up26 or the pit close its mouth over me.27 16 Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love;28 in your great mercy turn to me. 17 Do not hide your face29 from your servant; answer me quickly,30 for I am in trouble.31 18 Come near and rescue me; redeem32 me because of my foes. 19 You know how I am scorned,33 disgraced and shamed; all my enemies are before you. 20 Scorn has broken my heart and has left me helpless; I looked for sympathy, but there was none, for comforters,34 but I found none.35 21 They put gall in my food and gave me vinegar36 for my thirst.37 22 May the table set before them become a snare; may it become retribution anda a trap.38 23 May their eyes be darkened so they cannot see, and their backs be bent forever.39 24 Pour out your wrath40 on them; let your fierce anger overtake them. 25 May their place be deserted;41 let there be no one to dwell in their tents.42 26 For they persecute those you wound and talk about the pain of those you hurt.43 27 Charge them with crime upon crime;44 do not let them share in your salvation.45 28 May they be blotted out of the book of life46 and not be listed with the righteous.47 29 I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me.48 30 I will praise God's name in song49 and glorify him50 with thanksgiving. 31 This will please the LORD more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.51 32 The poor will see and be glad52-- you who seek God, may your hearts live!53 33 The LORD hears the needy54 and does not despise his captive people. 34 Let heaven and earth praise him, the seas and all that move in them,55 35 for God will save Zion56 and rebuild the cities of Judah.57 Then people will settle there and possess it; 36 the children of his servants will inherit it,58 and those who love his name will dwell there.59 "
I sent that bible verse to 3 people and it helped all 3 of those people. Truly God's miracle. Btw, I copied that from a site I googl'd. It might not be entirely accurate but it still expresses the central idea. It truly touched my heart.
Anyways, leading on to that. That night I woke in the night to either my heart or chest hurting. It continued over the next couple of days. Just all the random heart/chest pains and popping in my heart. Finally, I went to the doctor on Monday and got it looked at. They said it seemed normal for the most part and that my condition was really nothing to worry about until they noticed an abnormality on my EKG. I then had an X-Ray and had my blood taken. They finally concluded that neither my heart nor chest is inflamed, so that's good. But my chest wall could possibly be inflamed and could be causing the problems. Not sure. They gave me medicine, but my parents won't allow me to take it since it will damage my kidneys and has bad side effects. I constantly worry about this condition of mine and now I can't even tell if I'm hurting because of stress or if it is really health-related. I go back to the doctor soon, but I hope all of this works out. I'm actually kinda scared for once, but God will take care of me. I trust and believe in him.
So in conclusion, my life is sort of here and there, but I'm pushing through. Did I forget to mention I ordered Team Limitless: The Anti-Bullying Movement shirts?! Woot woot! I'm so pumped for my movement to get rolling and really spread awareness. :) Lastly, I posted something on facebook today because this was on my mind.
"Here’s my thoughts: If there's anything that I believe most right now, it's that I'm going to change the world one day. Haters are nothing but my motivators. Judge me for my actions or what I say, but you don't know the real me. I know I’m different than most guys. Also, you all are pretty much right, I'm a nobody, but one day you’ll see how even someone like me can turn into somebody more and seriously make a difference not only in other people's lives, but my own as well."
I'm gonna live my life to the fullest as long as my heart keeps beating.
I go into my room and I'm just crying out of control. I close the door. Lock it. And sit on the floor in the pitch black. The only sound is my sobbing and uncontrollable sniffling and screaming. I've never been so hurt and fed up. Everything was rushing through my mind. All the pressure to make good grades. How my parents have hurt me so much. I couldn't even begin to express that they've said so many things to me that has hurt me and made me who I am. Like how they've called me "gay, anorexic, faggot" and whatever. It goes on. Just everything was rushing through my mind. I was broken beyond repair. As I sat there drowning in my own sorrow, I did something that caused me to cry even more. I looked up the video, "Lead Me to the Cross by Hillsong United." I watched the video and sang along even though I was crying. It just made me cry even more. Even through all of that, I know that God loves me and will take care of me. I probably listened to that song like 3 times. Then I listened to "You Lift Me Up by The Afters" and I cried more and more. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I probably cried for a good 30 minutes. Even a good friend called me while I was crying and I could not talk. Thank you, you know who you are.
I refused to talk to anyone that night. But I wasn't gonna let it get the best of me. That same night, I turned on my lamp and said a little prayer so that God could help guide me. I was flipping through the bible and I encountered what I believed was God's blessing. What I found was Psalm 69:1-36. It reads as:
"1 Save me, O God, for the waters1 have come up to my neck.2 2 I sink in the miry depths,3 where there is no foothold. I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. 3 I am worn out calling for help;4 my throat is parched. My eyes fail,5 looking for my God. 4 Those who hate me6 without reason7 outnumber the hairs of my head; many are my enemies without cause,8 those who seek to destroy me.9 I am forced to restore what I did not steal. 5 You know my folly,10 O God; my guilt is not hidden from you.11 6 May those who hope in you not be disgraced because of me, O Lord, the LORD Almighty; may those who seek you not be put to shame because of me, O God of Israel. 7 For I endure scorn12 for your sake,13 and shame covers my face.14 8 I am a stranger to my brothers, an alien to my own mother's sons;15 9 for zeal for your house consumes me,16 and the insults of those who insult you fall on me.17 10 When I weep and fast,18 I must endure scorn; 11 when I put on sackcloth,19 people make sport of me. 12 Those who sit at the gate20 mock me, and I am the song of the drunkards.21 13 But I pray to you, O LORD, in the time of your favor;22 in your great love,23 O God, answer me with your sure salvation. 14 Rescue me from the mire, do not let me sink; deliver me from those who hate me, from the deep waters.24 15 Do not let the floodwaters25 engulf me or the depths swallow me up26 or the pit close its mouth over me.27 16 Answer me, O LORD, out of the goodness of your love;28 in your great mercy turn to me. 17 Do not hide your face29 from your servant; answer me quickly,30 for I am in trouble.31 18 Come near and rescue me; redeem32 me because of my foes. 19 You know how I am scorned,33 disgraced and shamed; all my enemies are before you. 20 Scorn has broken my heart and has left me helpless; I looked for sympathy, but there was none, for comforters,34 but I found none.35 21 They put gall in my food and gave me vinegar36 for my thirst.37 22 May the table set before them become a snare; may it become retribution anda a trap.38 23 May their eyes be darkened so they cannot see, and their backs be bent forever.39 24 Pour out your wrath40 on them; let your fierce anger overtake them. 25 May their place be deserted;41 let there be no one to dwell in their tents.42 26 For they persecute those you wound and talk about the pain of those you hurt.43 27 Charge them with crime upon crime;44 do not let them share in your salvation.45 28 May they be blotted out of the book of life46 and not be listed with the righteous.47 29 I am in pain and distress; may your salvation, O God, protect me.48 30 I will praise God's name in song49 and glorify him50 with thanksgiving. 31 This will please the LORD more than an ox, more than a bull with its horns and hoofs.51 32 The poor will see and be glad52-- you who seek God, may your hearts live!53 33 The LORD hears the needy54 and does not despise his captive people. 34 Let heaven and earth praise him, the seas and all that move in them,55 35 for God will save Zion56 and rebuild the cities of Judah.57 Then people will settle there and possess it; 36 the children of his servants will inherit it,58 and those who love his name will dwell there.59 "
I sent that bible verse to 3 people and it helped all 3 of those people. Truly God's miracle. Btw, I copied that from a site I googl'd. It might not be entirely accurate but it still expresses the central idea. It truly touched my heart.
Anyways, leading on to that. That night I woke in the night to either my heart or chest hurting. It continued over the next couple of days. Just all the random heart/chest pains and popping in my heart. Finally, I went to the doctor on Monday and got it looked at. They said it seemed normal for the most part and that my condition was really nothing to worry about until they noticed an abnormality on my EKG. I then had an X-Ray and had my blood taken. They finally concluded that neither my heart nor chest is inflamed, so that's good. But my chest wall could possibly be inflamed and could be causing the problems. Not sure. They gave me medicine, but my parents won't allow me to take it since it will damage my kidneys and has bad side effects. I constantly worry about this condition of mine and now I can't even tell if I'm hurting because of stress or if it is really health-related. I go back to the doctor soon, but I hope all of this works out. I'm actually kinda scared for once, but God will take care of me. I trust and believe in him.
So in conclusion, my life is sort of here and there, but I'm pushing through. Did I forget to mention I ordered Team Limitless: The Anti-Bullying Movement shirts?! Woot woot! I'm so pumped for my movement to get rolling and really spread awareness. :) Lastly, I posted something on facebook today because this was on my mind.
"Here’s my thoughts: If there's anything that I believe most right now, it's that I'm going to change the world one day. Haters are nothing but my motivators. Judge me for my actions or what I say, but you don't know the real me. I know I’m different than most guys. Also, you all are pretty much right, I'm a nobody, but one day you’ll see how even someone like me can turn into somebody more and seriously make a difference not only in other people's lives, but my own as well."
I'm gonna live my life to the fullest as long as my heart keeps beating.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
My Ideal Moment
I just wish sometimes I could walk down a boulevard or sidewalk and admire all the lights. Take in the scenery. Enjoy the cold air on my face. View upon all the bustling life around me. Be worry free for just awhile. Get lost in the moment. Spread my arms out wide and let that smile come upon my face. Soak in the freedom and enjoy the pleasures of life.
The Oh So Not Jolly Holidays
So typically every year when Christmas and New Year's roll around, I usually start to get depressed. I was actually supposed to write this around when the holidays actually happened, but I'm a slacker. Haha. But anyways, I love these holidays and like to partake in all the holiday joy, but it doesn't stop how sad I feel around this time. I didn't really know why I was sad, but I realized that it's because I have no one to spend these holidays with. I mean sure I have my family, but there is nothing close about us. We don't have family traditions or anything. There is nothing special happening. It's just a huge disconnection. I mean I wish I could build a gingerbread house, sit down and watching a movie with hot chocolate, or even just do ridiculous Christmas festivities. Nothing like that happens in my family. Christmas is just Christmas. But believe me, I still do believe in the real reason for Christmas and that is for Jesus.
I know for New Years, people usually put like money in their pocket or something ridiculous to wish for wealth and happiness and all. I remember one year, maybe last year, where I thought to myself. "Why can't I put my heart in my pocket and wish for love?" I'm realizing now that people use New Years as a way of trying to finally change something about themselves. But that's dumb. You're using this excuse. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that someone wants to better themselves. But you shouldn't use a new year as an excuse. You should want to better yourself everyday. I've realized that. But if using "New Years" as a way of helping yourself, then I'm all for it. I just feel that you should want to improve yourself everyday.
As for myself, I plan on cutting down on the money I'm spending, becoming a better person, growing closer to God, changing people's lives, getting in shape, spreading Limitless: The Anti-Bully Movement and doing better in school. I don't know where love will fit into all of this, but I will just let that come to me.
But this year, things were different. I wasn't that sad and wasn't that lonely. It was weird. I don't know how to possibly explain it, but maybe things are starting to look up. I think finally I'm growing out of this constant pain and sorrow. Well I know I can't fully escape it, because I deal with it everyday, but things grow better in time. I'm ready to start this year even better because I'm turning 18 and I'll be a Senior this year. I'm ready for new friends and just the opportunity to really bring about change to this world. I'm discovering who I am and what my purpose is. I'm hearing the calls that God has willed for me to do. 2012 will be a year to be remembered. Here I come world.
My name is Antonio Foles, and though I'm a nobody, I will be someone you will never forget.
I know for New Years, people usually put like money in their pocket or something ridiculous to wish for wealth and happiness and all. I remember one year, maybe last year, where I thought to myself. "Why can't I put my heart in my pocket and wish for love?" I'm realizing now that people use New Years as a way of trying to finally change something about themselves. But that's dumb. You're using this excuse. Don't get me wrong, I think it's great that someone wants to better themselves. But you shouldn't use a new year as an excuse. You should want to better yourself everyday. I've realized that. But if using "New Years" as a way of helping yourself, then I'm all for it. I just feel that you should want to improve yourself everyday.
As for myself, I plan on cutting down on the money I'm spending, becoming a better person, growing closer to God, changing people's lives, getting in shape, spreading Limitless: The Anti-Bully Movement and doing better in school. I don't know where love will fit into all of this, but I will just let that come to me.
But this year, things were different. I wasn't that sad and wasn't that lonely. It was weird. I don't know how to possibly explain it, but maybe things are starting to look up. I think finally I'm growing out of this constant pain and sorrow. Well I know I can't fully escape it, because I deal with it everyday, but things grow better in time. I'm ready to start this year even better because I'm turning 18 and I'll be a Senior this year. I'm ready for new friends and just the opportunity to really bring about change to this world. I'm discovering who I am and what my purpose is. I'm hearing the calls that God has willed for me to do. 2012 will be a year to be remembered. Here I come world.
My name is Antonio Foles, and though I'm a nobody, I will be someone you will never forget.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Thank You Samantha.
This quote was written on my wall by a dear friend. Thank you Sam. This truly helps me and I'll accept the fact that it does relate to me. Maybe I am that crazy enough. :)
"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The squares trying to fit into circles. The ones who see things differently. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the one thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things. They push the human race forward and while some see crazy ones - I see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones that do."
"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The squares trying to fit into circles. The ones who see things differently. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them, but the one thing you can't do is ignore them because they change things. They push the human race forward and while some see crazy ones - I see genius, because the ones who are crazy enough to think that they can change the world, are the ones that do."
Philosophy 101: Talking to Someone
Whether you are FaceTiming, Skyping, Calling, Talking to, or Hanging out with someone, you should be completely devoted to them. All your attention should be focused on them. Pulling out your phone to text or do whatever is rude. If you're just gonna put all your attention on your phone, then that other person might as well have texted you or something since they aren't all that important. Make them a Priority, not an Option.
Limitless: The Anti-Bully Movement
Okay, so I don't know if you have seen Jonah Mowry's video "What's Going On", but in that video he depicts of how bullying had affected him and everything going on in life. In response, I felt very touched and was inspired by it so I posted a picture of me saying with 2 note cards "My name is Antonio Foles and I believe that we have the power to end bullying." I didn't think anything of it. I got over 70 likes on that photo. (Most likes I've ever gotten on a picture.) The following day or so, I saw a facebook status and everyone was posting stuff about bullying. Some people were against it, and some people were just saying that people need to man up and get over it. I don't know what sparked in me, but I decided to make an Anti-Bullying Group. It started out with like 10 people and grew to over 1000 within a few days. I've met a lot of great people because it. People ranging from my school to people who live elsewhere. It's been amazing. As a result, other people were posting pictures like mine and soon facebook was pretty much rising awareness about bullying. To think that I started all of this, it's a crazy thought. Anyways, I found that this may be my calling to finally change the world.
Here and there, I doubt myself a lot because in honesty I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm headed or where I plan on taking this group. But everyday, I look at the group page and everyone is posting their life stories and how this is helping them and how they have grown into even better people. This inspires me and helps pushes me to keep continuing with this movement.
It's time for the victims' voices to be heard. It's time for action to take place. We're not backing down now. People said that bullying has been around for forever so what could possibly be different this time around? Things are gonna change this time. I have a strong faith in myself and all the supporters of this movement. What we have to offer to this world is what could possibly change the way people are treated all around this world. "Heart to Heart. Hand in Hand. Join the Movement. Take a Stand."
Here and there, I doubt myself a lot because in honesty I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm headed or where I plan on taking this group. But everyday, I look at the group page and everyone is posting their life stories and how this is helping them and how they have grown into even better people. This inspires me and helps pushes me to keep continuing with this movement.
It's time for the victims' voices to be heard. It's time for action to take place. We're not backing down now. People said that bullying has been around for forever so what could possibly be different this time around? Things are gonna change this time. I have a strong faith in myself and all the supporters of this movement. What we have to offer to this world is what could possibly change the way people are treated all around this world. "Heart to Heart. Hand in Hand. Join the Movement. Take a Stand."
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