The Art of Rediscovering Life.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Let the Session Begin

So school is back and I'm now a Junior. Wooooot woooot! Upperclassmen! It's been a pretty stressful year so far considering only a couple of weeks have gone by, but I feel like I've been in school for months....sheesh. I'm just ready to graduate! But I'm not the only one that feels that way. Anywho, I know things will work out and maybe calm down a bit, but I know right now I just wanna drop my AP Biology class and I want to quit band. I honestly wish I had finished my summer work and what not for AP Bio and Language, but eh..... 2 deaths in the family over the summer + having to work like 4-5 days a week + having marching band. Just one busy summer. I already feel like a failure, but I need to really get things in gear!

Anyways, I was laying in bed today listening to Canon Pachelbel in D and Four Winters by Vivaldi. And something really struck me, but has been mentioned before. School is important and receiving an education is vital in living out your life and becoming successful. But school doesn't teach you everything. It doesn't teach you how to hold yourself together when you're heartbroken, when you're feeling down, or when you get back stabbed. It doesn't teach you how to fall out of love when you fell in love, how to keep striving for something that's not there, or how to keep living when you have no purpose. School presents us with these challenges. And in a way, it's a good thing because it's an individual journey that we have to venture through along with friends who will aid us on the way.

I wonder if this is how it's supposed to be. Because I really do wonder why I go to school. School will never teach me how to get rid of the holes in my heart and will never rid of the pain that I endure everyday. Everything has to be learned by experience. Just because someone tells you something doesn't mean you won't go do it. "Don't get hurt from him/her. Don't do it." Those seem like really blunt examples but I think you pretty much understand. People will give you all the advice in the world, but whether you use it or not depends on you. And you understanding it's another whole concept.

People aren't who they turn out to be these days and people are constantly judging. It's hard to be who you are and I've realized that, but there comes that point where you have to let go and just be who you are. Though some people may not accept you for who you are, you have to live with the fact that nothing can change you. I know I'm not always saying what's on my mind and sometimes I hold myself in but the only reason I do it is because I want somebody to actually want to understand what I go through and what I really want to say. If you only knew.

I'm just now picking up on this blog and quite frankly, I need to start blogging more and saying what goes on in my life. Things are quite mellow and I'm just doing what I do best. Making sure that my friends know they are loved. :)

Saturday, August 13, 2011

The Breakdown

So like a week or two ago, I hit a really low point. This was all written in the present tense but know that this is now in the past.

I have become vulnerable and depressed beyond words. I feel like everything right now is just pure chaos and that I can only cry and feel hopeless. I’m stressed that I have none of my summer work done for school. I already feel like a failure, and that’s all my fault. I’m worrying about 2 close friends and I’m not allowed to speak a word about them. But I’m so worried about a particular friend that I cried as I drove home from practice one day. Not the best idea to be crying while driving, but I fear for friends. I’m scared what the future will bring. I feel so alone and that a lot of my friends don’t know what’s happening to me. If only they knew….they don’t understand what their words or actions do to me. They don’t understand the hardships. I wish I could tell people my story and let them see me for who I am. But people are so quick to judge and I can only continue to be the very energetic, sweet, and alive person I am. I’m not the only one who smiles and pretends like everything is okay.

These honestly aren’t the words I’m trying to say, but what I feel is so real and I want to just to cry and give up, knowing that’s not an option. I can’t even begin to describe what’s really going on in my mind. We all need a hand to hold on our way down, but we also need a push to keep us going once again. I’m on my way down and I need someone there…

On a side note, I was talking to a co-worker tonight and she was wondering about me having a girlfriend and all. I currently don’t have one and don’t see myself having one considering I don’t know when love will ever happen to me. But I talked about some of my previous crushes and what I’ve done for them. What she said in response to some of it, really struck me. She said that it’s usually the sweetest guys that don’t get treated right and have it the worst. And it’s true. It honestly is true. I guess I am a sweet guy, because I will do anything to make someone’s day and it’s the thought of mind that I possess. But the truth hurts. It does. I told her that nothing was really ever done back for me in return and I said “It’s okay.” But I know it’s not okay…. I’m used to saying it because I’m used to disappointment. I really am. As I was driving home, it occurred to be that good guys finish first, not last.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Car Ride Home

So usually when I drive home, I always think about everything. I swear I could just keep driving with my windows down, the music loud, and one hand out the window, and just keep on going through the night. I was texting a friend last night and I'm gonna post some of the texts mostly word for word, but add more onto it or change it up a bit. I was really thinking about life in general.

"I've just realized lately that I'm just ready to go. Every night I drive home and just think about everything. I'm ready for a new start. I told myself that I can't get hurt again, I can't keep getting attached to people. I can't keep giving until there's nothing left. And I know I can't stop. I need new friends, I need to be away from all of the bullshit. And I know it sounds messed up, but I actually want to mean something. Like in my profile, I'm a hopeless romantic who dreams endlessly and has a passion to make a difference."

And my friend was wondering what's been going on and what's been happening to me that I've gotten hurt. Also, why she's never heard of it. My response:

"Because I never talk about it. It's called being me. It's all about devoting yourself to friends to the point it hurts. Loving and caring about people who could care less. Learning that people won't return the favor to you. Knowing that it's hard to face things alone even though people say you're not. Having no one to turn to because you're all that you have. Trying to believe in love when you know you already doubt. Falling apart with no one to hold you together. Staying strong when you have no option. Regretting your past and re-living the pain. Dream Without Fear. Love Without Limits."

And for me, it's a weird way of saying it, but I'm not Superman. I can't always be there for people as much as I want to. I can't be your hero everyday. I'm not perfect and there's only 1 of me. I focus so much on my friends' happiness because in a way that makes me happy, but at the same time I'm never actually truly happy.

My friend said I deserve to be happy. My response:

"There's a lot of things that people deserve. But we all know life doesn't work out the way we want it to. I care too much about others than myself. People really don't know how much I lvoe them and care about them. And even if they do hurt me, I'll never stop loving them. I can never hold a grudge against someone. But sometimes people leave me no option but to walk away as much as that hurts with a hole in my heart and tears down my face. Story of my life."

This is a new school year and I'm ready to do something more to my life. I'm ready to have new people in my life, ready to discover new stories as well as myself. I want to be cared about once again. I want that feeling of importance and meaning. I'm tired of being hurt and thrown aside for all that I do. I seek for a better tomorrow.

And one thing I didn't say, sometimes I wish I had a hand to hold as I drove, to know I have someone who loves me always by my side.

"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those for whom love still heals, even though they've been hurt."

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Fear of You

Sometimes I’m scared of becoming close to you. I’m scared of saying the wrong thing because I don’t wanna say something that I will later regret. I feel that you’ll interpret it wrong and I’ll only be pushing you away. I miss you sometimes because I know that I can be myself with you and that I can always tell you anything. But I’m pretty sure you don’t miss me. You don’t know what it’s like for me. I think sometimes I overlook a friendship and I start expecting too much. And then I just try to forget about you, but I later realize I’m only hurting myself. But you don’t know that. I really put my whole heart in friendships.

I try so hard not to text you but I always find myself giving in and doing so. I don’t want to speak to you anymore because I keep telling myself that if you wanted to talk to me, then you would. And when I do text you, I feel like I’m bothering you. Because I know deep down, I’m nothing more than just another friend who will later be forgotten.

I’ve always had the fear of becoming close to some people because these are the people that hurt me the most. But I’m later realizing that even though we’ve had some deep talks and proven to be great friends. I know I’m nothing to you really and that there are more important people in your life. God placed certain people in our lives so we could learn how to let go.

For me, it’s like there’s a battle within myself. I wanna continue caring about you and being there for you, but how can I when you don’t even acknowledge me? It’s honestly really hard to stop caring about someone you love. And you don’t really want to lose that person because they mean a lot to you and have really changed your life. Maybe you have to run away to see who will chase after you.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Dixie

On Wednesday morning, I awoke to my mom opening our garage door and saying my dog's name, "Dixie..." I knew that once she knocked on my door that I knew what happened. Dixie was dead. The day before we noticed she was acting strange and looked very depressed. That morning was maybe one of the longest mornings I've ever experienced. Dixie was a Yellow Labrador and she was one of my childhood friends. She was over 13 years old, I believe. I saw her stone dead on the garage floor and her eyes were still opened. I knew what I had to do and that was to bury my own dog.

My mom was inside when I went outside to begin my task at digging the hole for my beloved dog. But before then, I just looked at my dog and I started crying. I couldn't believe it. She was really dead. It's so weird, but I don't know how to talk to a person about my dog dying. Like what do I say? I needed someone but didn't know how to even start. As I was crying and staring at my dog, my mom opened the door and I ran as fast as I could to the pond where I would dig the hole at. I didn't want her to see me the way I was.

So I began digging a hole beside Ssadie's grave (my other dog) and I wasn't really tearing up. My mom was taking it really hard and she was more broken than me. She began helping me dig the hole and after awhile of working the hole was pretty much ready. Here came the hardest part. I got the wheelbarrow and brought it to the garage. We propped Dixie in there and at that moment, I started really tearing up. Here was my dog. I just couldn't believe it. The tread to the burial site seemed depressing with each step and I couldn't bare the thought of losing one of my best friends.

This right here is what sent me and my mom over the edge. As soon as we put my dog in the hole, I had to push her legs into the hole and I got a good look at her. I saw her face and before anything could be done, I pushed my face into my arm and began breaking down. I was shaking and crying unbearably. My mom and I broke down at the same exact moment and for what seemed like forever, we just sat there and cried. My mom kept saying, "Dixie.....Dixie......No......Oh Dixie......" The hopeless moaning and the countless sobbing was the only sound that could be heard. Even as I type this now, there are tears rolling down my face because I see this moment in my head and how I looked at my dog and nothing but tears of love and pain fell into the grave. I love you Dixie. It takes a lot of courage and love to bury your own dog. I love you, you old fat short lazy marshmallow.

Even now as I eat breakfast, I look out my porch window and imagine your smiling face. I could knock on the door and you would smile and wag your tail. You would always sneeze and smile whenever we said your name and played with you. I remember how you would sit on your butt because you were so fat. I just remember how much fun we had as kids and I'll never forget you best friend. I have pictures of you now and sometimes I wish you were back at home. With you missing, the picture doesn't seem complete. Emily, Granyte, and Zoie are all in the garage and you're not there. I wish I had played with you more and I wish I had done more for you as your days were growing close. But you're in a better place now. In dog heaven and I hope you're having a lot of fun. You loved me and everyone else unconditionally and I know that even though you can't speak, I could see it in your smile and in your eyes that you were a part of the family and more. You are truly a man's best friend.

R.I.P Dixie

The Beach

Wash away my worries and let the ocean waves' roar deafen the voices inside my head.

So I'm here in Hilton Head, South Carolina for vacation. Finally a week to escape from everything. For so long I needed to be away from everyone and everything. I wanna be care-free again and I want reality to hold for now. It will catch up to me later, but now I'm gonna kick back and relax.

Today I was flipping through the channels and Emily from The Glee Project said, "I tried not to fall in love....but I did."

In a way, it relates to me, but a different kind of love. Not the kind of love where I want to get married or to be with that person forever. But the kind of love where I value a person just like every other friend and will devote myself to them to ensure that I'll never leave them as a friend and be for them every step of the way. I'm always finding that I give it my all for a friend and end up doing a lot for them, but I later realize that they don't much in return. I just feel un-appreciated. I wish I could be appreciated for the numerous things I do. I live by the name of the song by Relient K "Give Until There's Nothing Left."

I hope this week helps soothe my mind and refreshes me for when I come back.