The Art of Rediscovering Life.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

SEARCH 123

So last weekend, I got the opportunity to serve on an amazing life changing retreat called SEARCH. I can't really say what goes on during the retreat but I can tell you what sort of happened and how it has changed my life in such a great way. I had the chance to be a Table Guide and I was blessed with 6 amazing children. Not only that, but I was blessed with such a great team and a huge amount of Searchers. I can't put everything into words the feelings I felt and all the experiences and bonds I made, but I hold them all close to my heart.

In a way, when it comes to down it, I can't entirely put all the feelings, memories, bonds, and experiences into words. Nothing can describe the transformations I saw in all the teenagers and adults. Nothing can describe the love I felt and still feel for all of them. There's a love inside me of that has become indescribable. This love inside of meaning is constantly finding a new meaning. These people have been changing my life and redefining who I am and what I live for.

I had 6 kids at my table and they were: Alexandra, Abraham, Alexis, Gabbi, Logan, and Tommy. I've never been so proud of them. They honestly changed my life and they've become a large part of it as well. Starting a retreat, people are usually awkward and keep to themselves, but these kids were the ones to defy that awkardness and silence. I've never seen kids so open to express who they are and the feelings they had. I had people asking about my table saying they were sorta jealous of our group hugs and how open my table was. Being on Team is a different perspective when it comes to SEARCH, I saw amazing transformations in these 6 kids that were true blessings from God.

We were more than a table. We were more than just friends. We are a family. The love I hold and posses for each of these kids is far greater than anyone I have ever loved before. Nothing can amount to this love because it is truly endless. And even as I type this blog, I'm sorta crying. Not of sadness, but of pure joy and passion. If I could, I would talk about every single thing that happened at our table but I would need a lifetime. Because even after SEARCH, we're still Table 3 (GTL: Guidos Toward the Lord) and nothing will ever separate us.

One thing that really has been kinda on mind is that fact that people thank me for what I've done and how I've changed their life. These kids say they owe much to me and could never be more thankful. And to be honest, I kinda don't know what I did. I just remained open and went ahead and told them that everything I spoke was truly from my heart and I was gonna be deep. I have to be who I am, I've learned to accept who I am and I want to share all my experiences, thoughts, and feelings to help them connect. Looking back, I wish there was more that I could have said, but in the end what I have given was enough. Maybe the reason why I feel this way is because I guess I've never really been appreciated for what I've done for people. Sure I go out of my way to do a lot of things for people, but this is just different. Changing lives has its own reward and I'm just thankful and hopeful that these kids will remember me in the years to come.

I'm truly grateful that I have changed and impacted their life in some way, because on our Table Candle was the quote "Change One Life At A Time." Our Candle was a Superhero because in our everyday lives, superheroes are just normal people. You don't have to have the power to lift buildings or capture villains. You have the passion to be there for people and help guide them. Being open and showing them love and helping them whenever they fall. That's a real hero.

I want all the searchers especially my table to go out into the world and show God's love and blessing. That's the real challenge. Because I know everyone is still on their retreat high, you have to learn how to transform that into a means of spreading the word and love of God. Even though people will try to cut down that high and obstacles will come your way, it's a matter of keeping your faith strong and never giving up.

As the retreat came to an end, I wanted to do something special for my Table and I thought long and hard on Saturday as well as Sunday morning. I decided what I wanted to do and that was pray over them at the end of this. I carefully thought what I was gonna say, but when it came to it, none of words I thought came out. I just spoke what was in my heart, and that's all that mattered. That last moment, it meant everything to me. Being circled up and holding hands. Our family. At the end of the prayer, I know I was a little shaken up and crying a little bit, but I did it because I truly loved these 6 individuals. My children. They are my everything.

For the first time in my life, I've never cried for someone out of pure love. I've always cried because of sadness and sorrow, but never for love. I love these 6 kids and nothing will change that. I pray and hope that they along with all the searchers will carry this experience with them. SEARCH 123 will forever live in our hearts. Everything, the tears, the love, the memories, the friends, the laughs, the bonds, the splendor and grace of God, is forever etched into our hearts and souls. Whoever is reading this, know that I love you and most importantly, God loves you.

Peace and Love in Christ,
Antonio Foles 121 <><

Monday, September 12, 2011

It's Just the Beginning

So I was at Youth Group last night and we were separating into small groups. Our youth pastor Susan was saying that all the groups would have 3 peer ministers who were confirmed teenagers and took on the role of being a leader of God. Well all the groups would have 3 peer ministers except 1. One group would have 2...unlesssssss........Susan calls me out and says, "Unless Antonio Foles decideds to be a peer minister" and I'm just like "Sure! Yeah!" Haha.

Anyways, we go into the room and we're discussing God, how we see God in others, and what qualities bring God to life, and etc. Well I wasn't saying much, just nodding my head, agreeing here and there, and laughing at necessary moments. Eventually the other peer minister and the rest of the group wants to know what I'm thinking since I haven't said much which is not good since they said I'm a peer minister and all. What came next I don't think they were expecting.

I told them one of the hardest times in my life and how God has helped me through it. "It all started in my middle school years when I was a bit atheistic. There was no reason for me to believe in a God who would put me through so much hurt and depression. I'm asking him for help and I'm not getting an answer. My prayers aren't being heard. I wanted to put myself out of the equation and the only way out was suicide. I later realized though that you can't always get what you want and God is simply testing your faith. In a way, that's what it's like, but there's more to it. I went to a different church and I also went on the SEARCH retreat through the Archdiocese of Atlanta and I reconnected with God. I found God again. I believed again. One thing that stood out from the retreat was one thing that one of the directors said, "I'm a tool of God. An instrument of God. God manifests his works through me." It was amazing what he said because I understood him. God was doing his works through him and he was doing his works through us by changing our lives one person at a time. I began to see God through everyone, we are all God's image."

When I was saying all of this, the expression on everyone's faces shifted and it was really surprising. I was amazed at how quick I was able to express myself and share my experiences with complete strangers.

I was talking to a friend who was questioning their beliefs and wondering if God was really real. For the most part, I might shorten stuff and their might be references to the statements above.

"And the point where your life starts to go downhill and you begin to doubt is the time when your faith in God should be at its greatest. For me, I didn't know that. I did the exact opposite like I stated tonight. Reason why you should place even more faith is because in times like these you'll find hope that you never knew was there. No one's life is ever perfect, we all have our hard times and it's our opportunity to push through and grow stronger from them. I told our group one of the hardest times in my life. I've showed them my struggles and how it has made me who I am. It's an opportunity. But get this, even after all these bad days,, one good day will change all of that and all those bad days will seem like a thing of the past."

My friend posed a problem saying that they feel that the only purpose in their life is to reach out and be there for those who need her. They hardly ever reach out themself when they need something and they feel hopless. Life isn't for them.

My response, "Story of my life. I'm always here for others whenever they need someone and I give them my everything. But when I'm down or needing something...where do I go? Who do I turn to? And it just hurts me. I know exactly what you're feeling and going through. It's always the people that seem the strongest that hurt the most."

The reason why my friend and I do these kind of self sacrfices for others is because we never want others to go through the hell we've been through. We never wish for the things we endured to be placed upon others because we want them to be happy and loved at the price of our happiness. We never had anyone who warned us or treated us the way we treat friends.

This weekend I'm working on the retreat, SEARCH 123. I'm ready to share my stories and help open the eyes of the new Searchers. I want them to reconnect to God and discover his grace, beauty, blessings, and miracles he does in this world. I want them to have the same experience I had but even better. This is my opportunity to open their hearts and guide them so they can discover themselves. All of our lives have a purpose.

I'm gonna change lives, one person at a time.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Taken for Granted

I had texted a friend saying, "Stay safe. I know you don't really care about what I have to say but just be smart for the people that actually care about you." I don't know if they understand how important that is. It really is important. Because I'm one of those people that actually care.

As years have gone by, I've noticed that I'm a very nice person. Way too nice for my own being. It's always good to do nice things because you know that's good karma and all. But, at the same time...it kinda sucks. We're taken advantage of and people don't realize the good works we do in everyday life. I take time out of my time to personally tell you goodnight or goodmorning or to have a great day. It's not because I have to, it's because I want to. I don't pray over friends every week because I feel that I'm guilty if I don't, it's because it's my purpose in my life to look over and care for them. I go out and spend my hard earned cash so you have something to eat and drink. I tell you I love you because I want you to know that there is someone in this world that is thinking about you and cares about you. Because you are never alone. You have someone to confinde in when it feels like all is lost or just have someone to talk to because you need a friend to laugh with.

All of these things sum up to something and in the end, I'm gonna try and be there for you, but one day I'll be gone because you never wanted me there or actually ever needed or loved me, and I hope that day never comes. But just know, I'm always with you and that I love you all the same. It's the small things in life that are taken for granted.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Let the Session Begin

So school is back and I'm now a Junior. Wooooot woooot! Upperclassmen! It's been a pretty stressful year so far considering only a couple of weeks have gone by, but I feel like I've been in school for months....sheesh. I'm just ready to graduate! But I'm not the only one that feels that way. Anywho, I know things will work out and maybe calm down a bit, but I know right now I just wanna drop my AP Biology class and I want to quit band. I honestly wish I had finished my summer work and what not for AP Bio and Language, but eh..... 2 deaths in the family over the summer + having to work like 4-5 days a week + having marching band. Just one busy summer. I already feel like a failure, but I need to really get things in gear!

Anyways, I was laying in bed today listening to Canon Pachelbel in D and Four Winters by Vivaldi. And something really struck me, but has been mentioned before. School is important and receiving an education is vital in living out your life and becoming successful. But school doesn't teach you everything. It doesn't teach you how to hold yourself together when you're heartbroken, when you're feeling down, or when you get back stabbed. It doesn't teach you how to fall out of love when you fell in love, how to keep striving for something that's not there, or how to keep living when you have no purpose. School presents us with these challenges. And in a way, it's a good thing because it's an individual journey that we have to venture through along with friends who will aid us on the way.

I wonder if this is how it's supposed to be. Because I really do wonder why I go to school. School will never teach me how to get rid of the holes in my heart and will never rid of the pain that I endure everyday. Everything has to be learned by experience. Just because someone tells you something doesn't mean you won't go do it. "Don't get hurt from him/her. Don't do it." Those seem like really blunt examples but I think you pretty much understand. People will give you all the advice in the world, but whether you use it or not depends on you. And you understanding it's another whole concept.

People aren't who they turn out to be these days and people are constantly judging. It's hard to be who you are and I've realized that, but there comes that point where you have to let go and just be who you are. Though some people may not accept you for who you are, you have to live with the fact that nothing can change you. I know I'm not always saying what's on my mind and sometimes I hold myself in but the only reason I do it is because I want somebody to actually want to understand what I go through and what I really want to say. If you only knew.

I'm just now picking up on this blog and quite frankly, I need to start blogging more and saying what goes on in my life. Things are quite mellow and I'm just doing what I do best. Making sure that my friends know they are loved. :)

Saturday, August 13, 2011

The Breakdown

So like a week or two ago, I hit a really low point. This was all written in the present tense but know that this is now in the past.

I have become vulnerable and depressed beyond words. I feel like everything right now is just pure chaos and that I can only cry and feel hopeless. I’m stressed that I have none of my summer work done for school. I already feel like a failure, and that’s all my fault. I’m worrying about 2 close friends and I’m not allowed to speak a word about them. But I’m so worried about a particular friend that I cried as I drove home from practice one day. Not the best idea to be crying while driving, but I fear for friends. I’m scared what the future will bring. I feel so alone and that a lot of my friends don’t know what’s happening to me. If only they knew….they don’t understand what their words or actions do to me. They don’t understand the hardships. I wish I could tell people my story and let them see me for who I am. But people are so quick to judge and I can only continue to be the very energetic, sweet, and alive person I am. I’m not the only one who smiles and pretends like everything is okay.

These honestly aren’t the words I’m trying to say, but what I feel is so real and I want to just to cry and give up, knowing that’s not an option. I can’t even begin to describe what’s really going on in my mind. We all need a hand to hold on our way down, but we also need a push to keep us going once again. I’m on my way down and I need someone there…

On a side note, I was talking to a co-worker tonight and she was wondering about me having a girlfriend and all. I currently don’t have one and don’t see myself having one considering I don’t know when love will ever happen to me. But I talked about some of my previous crushes and what I’ve done for them. What she said in response to some of it, really struck me. She said that it’s usually the sweetest guys that don’t get treated right and have it the worst. And it’s true. It honestly is true. I guess I am a sweet guy, because I will do anything to make someone’s day and it’s the thought of mind that I possess. But the truth hurts. It does. I told her that nothing was really ever done back for me in return and I said “It’s okay.” But I know it’s not okay…. I’m used to saying it because I’m used to disappointment. I really am. As I was driving home, it occurred to be that good guys finish first, not last.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

The Car Ride Home

So usually when I drive home, I always think about everything. I swear I could just keep driving with my windows down, the music loud, and one hand out the window, and just keep on going through the night. I was texting a friend last night and I'm gonna post some of the texts mostly word for word, but add more onto it or change it up a bit. I was really thinking about life in general.

"I've just realized lately that I'm just ready to go. Every night I drive home and just think about everything. I'm ready for a new start. I told myself that I can't get hurt again, I can't keep getting attached to people. I can't keep giving until there's nothing left. And I know I can't stop. I need new friends, I need to be away from all of the bullshit. And I know it sounds messed up, but I actually want to mean something. Like in my profile, I'm a hopeless romantic who dreams endlessly and has a passion to make a difference."

And my friend was wondering what's been going on and what's been happening to me that I've gotten hurt. Also, why she's never heard of it. My response:

"Because I never talk about it. It's called being me. It's all about devoting yourself to friends to the point it hurts. Loving and caring about people who could care less. Learning that people won't return the favor to you. Knowing that it's hard to face things alone even though people say you're not. Having no one to turn to because you're all that you have. Trying to believe in love when you know you already doubt. Falling apart with no one to hold you together. Staying strong when you have no option. Regretting your past and re-living the pain. Dream Without Fear. Love Without Limits."

And for me, it's a weird way of saying it, but I'm not Superman. I can't always be there for people as much as I want to. I can't be your hero everyday. I'm not perfect and there's only 1 of me. I focus so much on my friends' happiness because in a way that makes me happy, but at the same time I'm never actually truly happy.

My friend said I deserve to be happy. My response:

"There's a lot of things that people deserve. But we all know life doesn't work out the way we want it to. I care too much about others than myself. People really don't know how much I lvoe them and care about them. And even if they do hurt me, I'll never stop loving them. I can never hold a grudge against someone. But sometimes people leave me no option but to walk away as much as that hurts with a hole in my heart and tears down my face. Story of my life."

This is a new school year and I'm ready to do something more to my life. I'm ready to have new people in my life, ready to discover new stories as well as myself. I want to be cared about once again. I want that feeling of importance and meaning. I'm tired of being hurt and thrown aside for all that I do. I seek for a better tomorrow.

And one thing I didn't say, sometimes I wish I had a hand to hold as I drove, to know I have someone who loves me always by my side.

"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those for whom love still heals, even though they've been hurt."