Going Somewhere In Life

I guess the thing that has been on my mind most of the time as of lately is charity and change in this world. We had Can-A-Thon at our school and I literally spent over $40 to buy stuff such as cake mixes and stuff to raise money. I made over 150 cupcakes, muffins, and brownies to sell. I personally raised over $100 for the Can-A-Thon. I know I lost a lot of sleep and money because of all it, but it's worth it in the end. Good karma, right? That's what kinda concerns me though. Karma. I'm doing a lot of good things and I hope good karma will hopefully repay me back in the future. Last night, we had a little competition at my work to see who could get the most donations for the Ronald McDonald House Charity. I got the most donations of over $30 and I won $5. Wooh wooh! Hahaha. But I realized that charity is really my thing.

Giving back to others and trying to make a difference in this world. There are a lot of less fortunate people in this world and many people are suffering everyday. I like to think that even $1 can go far. Whether it be giving someone a home, something to eat or drink, or even clothes on their back. I wish to start my own charity somehow. I don't know how, but it will happen. I'm so concerned about making a difference that I think it's possible. "The crazy ones that say they are gonna change the world are the ones that actually do."

I feel at this point in life, someone as young as I am, can really make a difference. As I was watching tv today, I kinda felt envious that I'm not famous. Well I mean, who doesn't want to be famous? But I want to be famous for the right reasons. I want to be a model for others. I want to inspire others. A friend was giving me a complement the other day saying on how I was such a good person and all, but that was really weird to me and I didn't really know how to react. I don't expect this from others. I'm just doing me. Everything I do is for a reason and I really do go out of my way to do things for others, even complete strangers. I just don't expect to be noticed for my actions and words. I mean it's great to be appreciated for that, it's just something that never crosses my mind.

One day though, I will have left behind so many words and memories that I hope people can carry on with them. I'll be somewhere in this world and whether people will remember or forget me, I did my part by leaving something to be remembered by. You make the best of everything you can. I don't know what will happen to me or what exactly my plans are, but I know for sure that I'll be out there changing the world. Even by myself...

One person is all that it takes.

The Silence

The Silence

So the other day in my lit class, we were supposed to be reading and researching for our junior paper but I was like nahhhh. Well I mean I tried working and I picked a book even though I was supposed to pick one like 3 weeks ago…..but anywho, I decided to open my notebook and just start writing. Something I haven’t done in awhile. I just let loose and started writing everything as best as I could.

“The silence scares me because it yells the truth. I feel that in these moments is when I really am aware of what’s going on in my life. I stare at a blank page and imagine that the lines and margins would be filled with what I want to tell people and what’s going on in my life. But I don’t know how….

I don’t know what to do with myself sometimes. And lately, as bad as it seems, I wish I could close my eyes and go away. I think sometimes it would make life easier. Easier in the sense that just it was all over. I don’t want to commit suicide or anything. Of course not. But if death came knocking on my door, I would be ready to accept my fate. I don’t know why this came into my thoughts lately. Usually when I drive, I wish just something would take me away. Something to end it all. As depressing as that sounds, I feel like I’ve made so many efforts to make a difference that I think it’s sufficient to this point. I would leave the world with a meaning and remembrance of me. I just don’t know…

A silence fills my world. There’s a chaos around me and I’m sitting in the middle of it, but I don’t hear a thing. All these empty voices’ echoes fill the room. All the empty promises, the bitter truths, the hurtful lies, the lost thoughts, the unspoken words…All the things that remain silent especially in our hearts. How do we break this empty void that consumes our inner being?”

My life has just been so up and down lately. I’ve been doing a lot for others and I really hope that karma will somehow make its way back to me. Some time, somewhere.

SEARCH 123

So last weekend, I got the opportunity to serve on an amazing life changing retreat called SEARCH. I can't really say what goes on during the retreat but I can tell you what sort of happened and how it has changed my life in such a great way. I had the chance to be a Table Guide and I was blessed with 6 amazing children. Not only that, but I was blessed with such a great team and a huge amount of Searchers. I can't put everything into words the feelings I felt and all the experiences and bonds I made, but I hold them all close to my heart.

In a way, when it comes to down it, I can't entirely put all the feelings, memories, bonds, and experiences into words. Nothing can describe the transformations I saw in all the teenagers and adults. Nothing can describe the love I felt and still feel for all of them. There's a love inside me of that has become indescribable. This love inside of meaning is constantly finding a new meaning. These people have been changing my life and redefining who I am and what I live for.

I had 6 kids at my table and they were: Alexandra, Abraham, Alexis, Gabbi, Logan, and Tommy. I've never been so proud of them. They honestly changed my life and they've become a large part of it as well. Starting a retreat, people are usually awkward and keep to themselves, but these kids were the ones to defy that awkardness and silence. I've never seen kids so open to express who they are and the feelings they had. I had people asking about my table saying they were sorta jealous of our group hugs and how open my table was. Being on Team is a different perspective when it comes to SEARCH, I saw amazing transformations in these 6 kids that were true blessings from God.

We were more than a table. We were more than just friends. We are a family. The love I hold and posses for each of these kids is far greater than anyone I have ever loved before. Nothing can amount to this love because it is truly endless. And even as I type this blog, I'm sorta crying. Not of sadness, but of pure joy and passion. If I could, I would talk about every single thing that happened at our table but I would need a lifetime. Because even after SEARCH, we're still Table 3 (GTL: Guidos Toward the Lord) and nothing will ever separate us.

One thing that really has been kinda on mind is that fact that people thank me for what I've done and how I've changed their life. These kids say they owe much to me and could never be more thankful. And to be honest, I kinda don't know what I did. I just remained open and went ahead and told them that everything I spoke was truly from my heart and I was gonna be deep. I have to be who I am, I've learned to accept who I am and I want to share all my experiences, thoughts, and feelings to help them connect. Looking back, I wish there was more that I could have said, but in the end what I have given was enough. Maybe the reason why I feel this way is because I guess I've never really been appreciated for what I've done for people. Sure I go out of my way to do a lot of things for people, but this is just different. Changing lives has its own reward and I'm just thankful and hopeful that these kids will remember me in the years to come.

I'm truly grateful that I have changed and impacted their life in some way, because on our Table Candle was the quote "Change One Life At A Time." Our Candle was a Superhero because in our everyday lives, superheroes are just normal people. You don't have to have the power to lift buildings or capture villains. You have the passion to be there for people and help guide them. Being open and showing them love and helping them whenever they fall. That's a real hero.

I want all the searchers especially my table to go out into the world and show God's love and blessing. That's the real challenge. Because I know everyone is still on their retreat high, you have to learn how to transform that into a means of spreading the word and love of God. Even though people will try to cut down that high and obstacles will come your way, it's a matter of keeping your faith strong and never giving up.

As the retreat came to an end, I wanted to do something special for my Table and I thought long and hard on Saturday as well as Sunday morning. I decided what I wanted to do and that was pray over them at the end of this. I carefully thought what I was gonna say, but when it came to it, none of words I thought came out. I just spoke what was in my heart, and that's all that mattered. That last moment, it meant everything to me. Being circled up and holding hands. Our family. At the end of the prayer, I know I was a little shaken up and crying a little bit, but I did it because I truly loved these 6 individuals. My children. They are my everything.

For the first time in my life, I've never cried for someone out of pure love. I've always cried because of sadness and sorrow, but never for love. I love these 6 kids and nothing will change that. I pray and hope that they along with all the searchers will carry this experience with them. SEARCH 123 will forever live in our hearts. Everything, the tears, the love, the memories, the friends, the laughs, the bonds, the splendor and grace of God, is forever etched into our hearts and souls. Whoever is reading this, know that I love you and most importantly, God loves you.

Peace and Love in Christ,
Antonio Foles 121 <><

It's Just the Beginning

So I was at Youth Group last night and we were separating into small groups. Our youth pastor Susan was saying that all the groups would have 3 peer ministers who were confirmed teenagers and took on the role of being a leader of God. Well all the groups would have 3 peer ministers except 1. One group would have 2...unlesssssss........Susan calls me out and says, "Unless Antonio Foles decideds to be a peer minister" and I'm just like "Sure! Yeah!" Haha.

Anyways, we go into the room and we're discussing God, how we see God in others, and what qualities bring God to life, and etc. Well I wasn't saying much, just nodding my head, agreeing here and there, and laughing at necessary moments. Eventually the other peer minister and the rest of the group wants to know what I'm thinking since I haven't said much which is not good since they said I'm a peer minister and all. What came next I don't think they were expecting.

I told them one of the hardest times in my life and how God has helped me through it. "It all started in my middle school years when I was a bit atheistic. There was no reason for me to believe in a God who would put me through so much hurt and depression. I'm asking him for help and I'm not getting an answer. My prayers aren't being heard. I wanted to put myself out of the equation and the only way out was suicide. I later realized though that you can't always get what you want and God is simply testing your faith. In a way, that's what it's like, but there's more to it. I went to a different church and  I also went on the SEARCH retreat through the Archdiocese of Atlanta and I reconnected with God. I found God again. I believed again. One thing that stood out from the retreat was one thing that one of the directors said, "I'm a tool of God. An instrument of God. God manifests his works through me." It was amazing what he said because I understood him. God was doing his works through him and he was doing his works through us by changing our lives one person at a time. I began to see God through everyone, we are all God's image."

When I was saying all of this, the expression on everyone's faces shifted and it was really surprising. I was amazed at how quick I was able to express myself and share my experiences with complete strangers.

I was talking to a friend who was questioning their beliefs and wondering if God was really real. For the most part, I might shorten stuff and their might be references to the statements above.

"And the point where your life starts to go downhill and you begin to doubt is the time when your faith in God should be at its greatest. For me, I didn't know that. I did the exact opposite like I stated tonight. Reason why you should place even more faith is because in times like these you'll find hope that you never knew was there. No one's life is ever perfect, we all have our hard times and it's our opportunity to push through and grow stronger from them. I told our group one of the hardest times in my life. I've showed them my struggles and how it has made me who I am. It's an opportunity. But get this, even after all these bad days,, one good day will change all of that and all those bad days will seem like a thing of the past."

My friend posed a problem saying that they feel that the only purpose in their life is to reach out and be there for those who need her. They hardly ever reach out themself when they need something and they feel hopless. Life isn't for them.

My response, "Story of my life. I'm always here for others whenever they need someone and I give them my everything. But when I'm down or needing something...where do I go? Who do I turn to? And it just hurts me. I know exactly what you're feeling and going through. It's always the people that seem the strongest that hurt the most."

The reason why my friend and I do these kind of self sacrfices for others is because we never want others to go through the hell we've been through. We never wish for the things we endured to be placed upon others because we want them to be happy and loved at the price of our happiness. We never had anyone who warned us or treated us the way we treat friends.

This weekend I'm working on the retreat, SEARCH 123. I'm ready to share my stories and help open the eyes of the new Searchers. I want them to reconnect to God and discover his grace, beauty, blessings, and miracles he does in this world. I want them to have the same experience I had but even better. This is my opportunity to open their hearts and guide them so they can discover themselves. All of our lives have a purpose.

I'm gonna change lives, one person at a time.

Taken for Granted

I had texted a friend saying, "Stay safe. I know you don't really care about what I have to say but just be smart for the people that actually care about you." I don't know if they understand how important that is. It really is important. Because I'm one of those people that actually care.

As years have gone by, I've noticed that I'm a very nice person. Way too nice for my own being. It's always good to do nice things because you know that's good karma and all. But, at the same time...it kinda sucks. We're taken advantage of and people don't realize the good works we do in everyday life. I take time out of my time to personally tell you goodnight or goodmorning or to have a great day. It's not because I have to, it's because I want to. I don't pray over friends every week because I feel that I'm guilty if I don't, it's because it's my purpose in my life to look over and care for them. I go out and spend my hard earned cash so you have something to eat and drink. I tell you I love you because I want you to know that there is someone in this world that is thinking about you and cares about you. Because you are never alone. You have someone to confinde in when it feels like all is lost or just have someone to talk to because you need a friend to laugh with.

All of these things sum up to something and in the end, I'm gonna try and be there for you, but one day I'll be gone because you never wanted me there or actually ever needed or loved me, and I hope that day never comes. But just know, I'm always with you and that I love you all the same. It's the small things in life that are taken for granted.

Let the Session Begin

So school is back and I'm now a Junior. Wooooot woooot! Upperclassmen! It's been a pretty stressful year so far considering only a couple of weeks have gone by, but I feel like I've been in school for months....sheesh. I'm just ready to graduate! But I'm not the only one that feels that way. Anywho, I know things will work out and maybe calm down a bit, but I know right now I just wanna drop my AP Biology class and I want to quit band. I honestly wish I had finished my summer work and what not for AP Bio and Language, but eh..... 2 deaths in the family over the summer + having to work like 4-5 days a week + having marching band. Just one busy summer. I already feel like a failure, but I need to really get things in gear!

Anyways, I was laying in bed today listening to Canon Pachelbel in D and Four Winters by Vivaldi. And something really struck me, but has been mentioned before. School is important and receiving an education is vital in living out your life and becoming successful. But school doesn't teach you everything. It doesn't teach you how to hold yourself together when you're heartbroken, when you're feeling down, or when you get back stabbed. It doesn't teach you how to fall out of love when you fell in love, how to keep striving for something that's not there, or how to keep living when you have no purpose. School presents us with these challenges. And in a way, it's a good thing because it's an individual journey that we have to venture through along with friends who will aid us on the way.

I wonder if this is how it's supposed to be. Because I really do wonder why I go to school. School will never teach me how to get rid of the holes in my heart and will never rid of the pain that I endure everyday. Everything has to be learned by experience. Just because someone tells you something doesn't mean you won't go do it. "Don't get hurt from him/her. Don't do it." Those seem like really blunt examples but I think you pretty much understand. People will give you all the advice in the world, but whether you use it or not depends on you. And you understanding it's another whole concept.

People aren't who they turn out to be these days and people are constantly judging. It's hard to be who you are and I've realized that, but there comes that point where you have to let go and just be who you are. Though some people may not accept you for who you are, you have to live with the fact that nothing can change you. I know I'm not always saying what's on my mind and sometimes I hold myself in but the only reason I do it is because I want somebody to actually want to understand what I go through and what I really want to say. If you only knew.

I'm just now picking up on this blog and quite frankly, I need to start blogging more and saying what goes on in my life. Things are quite mellow and I'm just doing what I do best. Making sure that my friends know they are loved. :)

The Breakdown

So like a week or two ago, I hit a really low point. This was all written in the present tense but know that this is now in the past.

I have become vulnerable and depressed beyond words. I feel like everything right now is just pure chaos and that I can only cry and feel hopeless. I’m stressed that I have none of my summer work done for school. I already feel like a failure, and that’s all my fault. I’m worrying about 2 close friends and I’m not allowed to speak a word about them. But I’m so worried about a particular friend that I cried as I drove home from practice one day. Not the best idea to be crying while driving, but I fear for friends. I’m scared what the future will bring. I feel so alone and that a lot of my friends don’t know what’s happening to me. If only they knew….they don’t understand what their words or actions do to me. They don’t understand the hardships. I wish I could tell people my story and let them see me for who I am. But people are so quick to judge and I can only continue to be the very energetic, sweet, and alive person I am. I’m not the only one who smiles and pretends like everything is okay.

These honestly aren’t the words I’m trying to say, but what I feel is so real and I want to just to cry and give up, knowing that’s not an option. I can’t even begin to describe what’s really going on in my mind. We all need a hand to hold on our way down, but we also need a push to keep us going once again. I’m on my way down and I need someone there…

On a side note, I was talking to a co-worker tonight and she was wondering about me having a girlfriend and all. I currently don’t have one and don’t see myself having one considering I don’t know when love will ever happen to me. But I talked about some of my previous crushes and what I’ve done for them. What she said in response to some of it, really struck me. She said that it’s usually the sweetest guys that don’t get treated right and have it the worst. And it’s true. It honestly is true. I guess I am a sweet guy, because I will do anything to make someone’s day and it’s the thought of mind that I possess. But the truth hurts. It does. I told her that nothing was really ever done back for me in return and I said “It’s okay.” But I know it’s not okay…. I’m used to saying it because I’m used to disappointment. I really am. As I was driving home, it occurred to be that good guys finish first, not last.

The Car Ride Home

So usually when I drive home, I always think about everything. I swear I could just keep driving with my windows down, the music loud, and one hand out the window, and just keep on going through the night. I was texting a friend last night and I'm gonna post some of the texts mostly word for word, but add more onto it or change it up a bit. I was really thinking about life in general.

"I've just realized lately that I'm just ready to go. Every night I drive home and just think about everything. I'm ready for a new start. I told myself that I can't get hurt again, I can't keep getting attached to people. I can't keep giving until there's nothing left. And I know I can't stop. I need new friends, I need to be away from all of the bullshit. And I know it sounds messed up, but I actually want to mean something. Like in my profile, I'm a hopeless romantic who dreams endlessly and has a passion to make a difference."

And my friend was wondering what's been going on and what's been happening to me that I've gotten hurt. Also, why she's never heard of it. My response:

"Because I never talk about it. It's called being me. It's all about devoting yourself to friends to the point it hurts. Loving and caring about people who could care less. Learning that people won't return the favor to you. Knowing that it's hard to face things alone even though people say you're not. Having no one to turn to because you're all that you have. Trying to believe in love when you know you already doubt. Falling apart with no one to hold you together. Staying strong when you have no option. Regretting your past and re-living the pain. Dream Without Fear. Love Without Limits."

And for me, it's a weird way of saying it, but I'm not Superman. I can't always be there for people as much as I want to. I can't be your hero everyday. I'm not perfect and there's only 1 of me. I focus so much on my friends' happiness because in a way that makes me happy, but at the same time I'm never actually truly happy.

My friend said I deserve to be happy. My response:

"There's a lot of things that people deserve. But we all know life doesn't work out the way we want it to. I care too much about others than myself. People really don't know how much I lvoe them and care about them. And even if they do hurt me, I'll never stop loving them. I can never hold a grudge against someone. But sometimes people leave me no option but to walk away as much as that hurts with a hole in my heart and tears down my face. Story of my life."

This is a new school year and I'm ready to do something more to my life. I'm ready to have new people in my life, ready to discover new stories as well as myself. I want to be cared about once again. I want that feeling of importance and meaning. I'm tired of being hurt and thrown aside for all that I do. I seek for a better tomorrow.

And one thing I didn't say, sometimes I wish I had a hand to hold as I drove, to know I have someone who loves me always by my side.

"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those for whom love still heals, even though they've been hurt."

Like I Mean It - Stars Go Dim

How do I learn to fly?
When I am down on my knees
How can I learn to love?
When I'm always begging you please

I've spent most of my life
Trying just to get by
Spent most of that time
On losing you

Now I gave you reasons
Disregarded feelings
Convinced myself that it's all true.

How do I learn to fly?
When I am down on my knees
How can I learn to love?
When I'm always begging you please

How many moments passed me by?
How many times have I said I won't try...
to live my life and love like I mean it?
How many days will slip away?
How much pain does it take to see it?
To live my life and love like I mean it

I keep all my secrets
Hid away down inside
Keep telling myself
Lie after lie

Now I played the part
Of a man with many hearts
But none of them ever meant to hurt you
Cause all I do is push you away
I'm gonna love Like I never ever loved before
I'm gonna live Like I only have one last wish
I'm gonna be everything you ever wanted
Everything you need

Show me how to fly
Get me back on my feet
Don't give up on me
I am begging you please

Fear of You

Sometimes I’m scared of becoming close to you. I’m scared of saying the wrong thing because I don’t wanna say something that I will later regret. I feel that you’ll interpret it wrong and I’ll only be pushing you away. I miss you sometimes because I know that I can be myself with you and that I can always tell you anything. But I’m pretty sure you don’t miss me. You don’t know what it’s like for me. I think sometimes I overlook a friendship and I start expecting too much. And then I just try to forget about you, but I later realize I’m only hurting myself. But you don’t know that. I really put my whole heart in friendships.  

I try so hard not to text you but I always find myself giving in and doing so. I don’t want to speak to you anymore because I keep telling myself that if you wanted to talk to me, then you would. And when I do text you, I feel like I’m bothering you. Because I know deep down, I’m nothing more than just another friend who will later be forgotten.

I’ve always had the fear of becoming close to some people because these are the people that hurt me the most. But I’m later realizing that even though we’ve had some deep talks and proven to be great friends. I know I’m nothing to you really and that there are more important people in your life. God placed certain people in our lives so we could learn how to let go.

For me, it’s like there’s a battle within myself. I wanna continue caring about you and being there for you, but how can I when you don’t even acknowledge me? It’s honestly really hard to stop caring about someone you love. And you don’t really want to lose that person because they mean a lot to you and have really changed your life. Maybe you have to run away to see who will chase after you.

Dixie

On Wednesday morning, I awoke to my mom opening our garage door and saying my dog's name, "Dixie..." I knew that once she knocked on my door that I knew what happened. Dixie was dead. The day before we noticed she was acting strange and looked very depressed. That morning was maybe one of the longest mornings I've ever experienced. Dixie was a Yellow Labrador and she was one of my childhood friends. She was over 13 years old, I believe. I saw her stone dead on the garage floor and her eyes were still opened. I knew what I had to do and that was to bury my own dog.

My mom was inside when I went outside to begin my task at digging the hole for my beloved dog. But before then, I just looked at my dog and I started crying. I couldn't believe it. She was really dead. It's so weird, but I don't know how to talk to a person about my dog dying. Like what do I say? I needed someone but didn't know how to even start. As I was crying and staring at my dog, my mom opened the door and I ran as fast as I could to the pond where I would dig the hole at. I didn't want her to see me the way I was.

So I began digging a hole beside Ssadie's grave (my other dog) and I wasn't really tearing up. My mom was taking it really hard and she was more broken than me. She began helping me dig the hole and after awhile of working the hole was pretty much ready. Here came the hardest part. I got the wheelbarrow and brought it to the garage. We propped Dixie in there and at that moment, I started really tearing up. Here was my dog. I just couldn't believe it. The tread to the burial site seemed depressing with each step and I couldn't bare the thought of losing one of my best friends.

This right here is what sent me and my mom over the edge. As soon as we put my dog in the hole, I had to push her legs into the hole and I got a good look at her. I saw her face and before anything could be done, I pushed my face into my arm and began breaking down. I was shaking and crying unbearably. My mom and I broke down at the same exact moment and for what seemed like forever, we just sat there and cried. My mom kept saying, "Dixie.....Dixie......No......Oh Dixie......" The hopeless moaning and the countless sobbing was the only sound that could be heard. Even as I type this now, there are tears rolling down my face because I see this moment in my head and how I looked at my dog and nothing but tears of love and pain fell into the grave. I love you Dixie. It takes a lot of courage and love to bury your own dog. I love you, you old fat short lazy marshmallow.

Even now as I eat breakfast, I look out my porch window and imagine your smiling face. I could knock on the door and you would smile and wag your tail. You would always sneeze and smile whenever we said your name and played with you. I remember how you would sit on your butt because you were so fat. I just remember how much fun we had as kids and I'll never forget you best friend. I have pictures of you now and sometimes I wish you were back at home. With you missing, the picture doesn't seem complete. Emily, Granyte, and Zoie are all in the garage and you're not there. I wish I had played with you more and I wish I had done more for you as your days were growing close. But you're in a better place now. In dog heaven and I hope you're having a lot of fun. You loved me and everyone else unconditionally and I know that even though you can't speak, I could see it in your smile and in your eyes that you were a part of the family and more. You are truly a man's best friend.

R.I.P Dixie

The Beach

Wash away my worries and let the ocean waves' roar deafen the voices inside my head.

 So I'm here in Hilton Head, South Carolina for vacation. Finally a week to escape from everything. For so long I needed to be away from everyone and everything. I wanna be care-free again and I want reality to hold for now. It will catch up to me later, but now I'm gonna kick back and relax.

Today I was flipping through the channels and Emily from The Glee Project said, "I tried not to fall in love....but I did."

In a way, it relates to me, but a different kind of love. Not the kind of love where I want to get married or to be with that person forever. But the kind of love where I value a person just like every other friend and will devote myself to them to ensure that I'll never leave them as a friend and be for them every step of the way. I'm always finding that I give it my all for a friend and end up doing a lot for them, but I later realize that they don't much in return. I just feel un-appreciated. I wish I could be appreciated for the numerous things I do. I live by the name of the song by Relient K "Give Until There's Nothing Left."

I hope this week helps soothe my mind and refreshes me for when I come back.

Not Alone In This

"There are things in life that we can't do alone.... That's why we have friends." -Me


This morning I was awoken to startling news that my Grandfather on my Step-Dad's side was dying. I didn't know what to think. I barely know the guy and we aren't even that close. I called him before saying Happy Birthday and he didn't even know who I was. My Grandma (G-Money $$$) had to tell him that I was his Grandson. Up until this point I didn't know what to do or even say. I'm not much of a comforter to people in my family considering I don't even really like them. But I knew I had to tell someone, I needed someone to make me feel better because I was about ready to puke and cry. Haven't felt good lately and I honestly don't wanna deal with all the sad people at this moment of time. Because I am scared of death and I can't handle it.

I had a good friend named Matt ,who's one of my co-workers, come over. I called him having woken up, yeah I felt bad but I honestly needed someone. We were both tired from yesterday since we worked long shifts with barely any sleep. And I knew he wanted to sleep and not come over, but I think he later realized the importance of the situation. Because I was huddled up into a ball on the couch not trying to breakdown because I can't handle everything being thrown at me right now. It's good to have a friend who will go to extremities for you. Matt honestly is a really good friend I've made lately and I trust him with knowing my past and what really goes on in my life. He has changed my life in many ways and I thank God that I found someone who understands me and will continue to be there for me when it feels like all is lost.

So here I am, wishing the music in my ears would drown out the worries of the world and the feeling of coldness in my heart. I want to escape everything and I wanna be at peace with the world. I want to stop hurting. Because right now, I'm just breaking down and I feel like I'm beyond repair. I can't fix everything in my life and I'm only hoping that tomorrow will bring something better.

Whenever

I love you forever and ever and always I love you
Whenever you need me
I'll be there right by you
Whenever you call me
I'm there when you call
Whenever you're falling
I'm there when you fall
Wherever your going
I'll be right there showing
Our love's always growing and growing and growing
I know that you know it, there's no need for guessing
When I am requesting, I'm there with no questions
As... I'll go, wherever, whenever
If ever, you need me, I'll be here
Forever

-The Black Eyed Peas

Pour It Out

Sometimes I wish I had someone who I could just pour out my heart to. I know it sounds weird coming from me considering the fact that I have a lot of close friends, but I've yet to find someone who understands the things I do, the pain that I endure, the dreams I have, the past I've lived, and just my unpsoken thoughts. I want someone to embrace all my flaws, mistakes, and just who I am. I'm so happy all the time but people don't know what's going on in my life. I long for a true friend who will know when I'm not okay and help me to see the greater good in life. I need someone to be there when I least expect it. I need an escape from reality. I don't know when I'll ever meet this person but I hope someday soon enough.

Good: Of Moral Excellence

So yesterday, I felt pretty good and I really felt like doing something nice and good and what not. So I go to the bank and cash half of my check so I can survive for the next 2 weeks. Ahahaha. But after going to the bank, I’m like “Hmmm…I wanna do something nice for my co-workers because they are freakin’ amazing.” Like no lie, they really are. Well Heather’s birthday is today but I celebrated it yesterday because my car is in the shop and I have no idea how I’m getting to work today. Wooooh! Haha. So I got her a vanilla cake with fudge icing and get “Happy 21^st Birthday Heather” on there. :) Then I buy some candles and get her a card. I also buy my friend Brittany some Chickfila since I had a coupon for a free sandwich. Skipping ahead…….everyone said I was so sweet for getting Heather a cake and for getting Brittany food. We sang to Heather happy birthday and my boss Miriam recorded it and Heather blew out her candles. Oh the things we do. :) Oh and I spent like an hour talking to Brittany in the parking lot after she got off work. Going to see X-Men First Class sometime this week. Ayeeee!!! But anyways,  I honestly felt happy with myself. Heather said I was really sweet and everyone read what I wrote in her card. :) Apparently, I have really nice handwriting???? Thanks??? But yeah, I guess I really am a sweet guy. I honestly love girls like no tomorrow and the best way to start out a day is, “How am I gonna make someone’s day?” :)

Piano: A Haiku Of My Own

So we had to write haikus the other week for World History Class and apparently they were supposed to be about nature........BUT ya boi here wrote about things NOT related to nature! Shocker. I seriously didn't hear that but my haikus were beast and I still got a 95 overall. :) Here's one of them:

Fragile little keys

Expressing our inner self

Touch the heart and soul

One Step Closer to God

So this past week has been pretty stressful and dramatic, I was sorta in a fight with a friend over how negative they were. At the same time, I talked to an old friend who in like 5 minutes, shut me down. I was telling that old friend about a memory back in December about some fight. I told them how I understood how they felt. That feeling of where you're just whatever and you don't wanna deal with anything. I've been feeling like that a lot lately. Life has been pretty good up to now and I don't want anything to get in my way. I wanna keep being happy and just not deal with any problems.

Things are good now with that friend I was fighting with, however the other one. Uhhh...not so well. But hey, I tried fixing things. It's the thought that counts? Right? :) It's werid though not having that one close friend around anymore. I think back to some of my memories and I sure do miss it, without a doubt. But I can't dwell in the past forever. I'm here now and I gotta make the best of life.

Anyways, this past Saturday, March 5th. I was Confirmed. :) I finally received the Sacrament of Confirmation. I saw this as an opportunity to further increase and better my relationship with God. It's crazy how fast all the classes and what not just passed by. Confirmation was utterly amazing due to the fact that I read the 1st reading amazingly and that Archbishop Wilton D. Gregory was able to take part in our mass. He is freakin' hilarious and is a great person to look up to. Now that I have been confirmed, I feel that all my worries, sadness, and anger of the past week has just flown out the window and that a new life has been given to me. A new chapter in this book of life.

So for Lent, I've decided to give up on cussing. Oh yes I did. This is gonna be probably the longest 40 days of my life!!! I seriously cuss a lot and usually just the sight of certain people makes me wanna cuss so badly. For every cuss word I say, that's 10 cents to the Swear Jar. Gonna be one poor old chap, huh? Hahaha. I've also decided like every other year that I wanna become an even better person. From helping people to bettering myself mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. :)

I do however don't like when people misinterpret Lent. Giving up chocolate, soda, or whatever ridiculous thing isn't the importance of Lent. You're giving up something that affects your relationship with God. I'm pretty sure that chocolate or soda doesn't get in the way. I wish people would find the true meaning and I hope that these 40 days will not only change my life, but those who wish to take part in this liturgical season. :)

Looking Up

As I was riding home from church last, I realized how amazing and care-free I felt. I haven't felt this way in forever and believe me, it's a whole new experience to relive. I went to church 3x this past weekend and it made me feel enlightened in so many ways. I absolutely love going to church now. I feel that my relationship with God and within myself has matured and become even stronger. There's nothing really bothering me anymore and I've learned to forgive others and move on with life. I love life and I feel that nothing can stop me as long as I place my faith and trust in God and maintain a determined and open-minded attitude.

I was standing in the shower today and I was thinking about a lot of stuff that I've said to people in the past and now as I think about it, they really don't have anymore meaning and I could care less. I mean I think it's impossible to stop caring about a person completely, but I feel that all these people in my past are fading away. I no longer suffer from those memories and I don't have feelings for them anymore.

It's weird saying that I'm beginning to forget who you are, but it's true. Everyone changes and that's something we can't control. I don't know who you are anymore. I don't remember what it was like to be a part of your life and I'm beginning to forget everything I ever said to you. I'll never say that time I spent with a person was worthless. I would never take anything back and all those moments have helped me become stronger and I've learned from all of it. It's help shaped my future and impacted me in numerous ways. But really, I used to be frozen with fear of the thought that you would disappear. That you would be the one to let me go. Quite frankly, I was the one who let you go. People change. That means I'm a part of that.

I wish I never had to let go of some people, but that's a part of life. "There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go." I'll try my best to never stop caring about you, but just know I'll never stop loving you. It's unconditional and nothing in this world could ever change that.

"D-I-N-O-S-A U R a Dinosaur!"

Quite the Relaxing Life

So what's on my mind? Hmmmmm......I would say lately that life has been ultimately chill. I had a party Monday and it turned out pretty amazing! :) Talk about adventures. Ahahaha. Me and a group of friends who I freakin' love to death and mean the world to me, we played Just Dance, blasted music and danced, made it rain, drove around my golfcart through everywhere, and just had a great time overall.

I haven't really had drama which is pretty good because I absolutely hate drama but even when I do have it, I'm really chill. Whenever people tell me stuff and whatnot, I just have this really chill attitude. Sometimes I wish, "F*** this S***!!!" was the solution to everything, but it's not. Sad. :'(

One thing that has been on mind though is that I want something do with life. I feel that now it's so chill and normal, that I'm starting to not like it. You have no idea, but I really want to go out into the world and just do something big. I'm so ready to get out of highschool and start a life of my own. I wanna see the lights of cities, I wanna fall in love, I wanna dream big, I wanna succeed, I wanna be the one person that changed someone's life. My parents aren't really big on supporting me on any ideas I have. What I don't get is that my parents don't care about my social life and what I want to do. I feel like I'm a deprived child and I'm living a sheltered life. Haha, funny way of putting it, but that's how I feel and it's somewhat true.

All around me, friends are going out and doing everything I can't. Driving is sorta one of those things. I know driving isn't a right, it's a privilege. But isn't that something I deserve? I mean forreal, I'm an All-A student, ranked 19 out of like 700 students, President of the Sophomore Class, involved in church and school clubs, and a person who just lives above the influence. What else do I have to prove? Nothing I do is never enough for my parents. I'm always getting angry at them because I'm unappreciated. Heck, I get a low A, I get yelled at. I know they are pushing me to do my best and succeed and not end up like my half-brother, but sheesh. I got an 89 for a 9 weeks grade in AP Stats (which doesn't even matter, semester averages do) and my step-dad flipped out and started cussing and what not. Like seriously, other people would kill for grades like that. Parents would be throwing parties for their kids! Idk, I just feel unappreciated and that I can't do anything even when I put forth my best.

I guess to wrap things up.......

Freedom is all I want.

"A part of you has grown in me. And so you see, it's me and you together forever and never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart."

It's A Busy Life

So.......I haven't blogged in awhile. Kinda makes me sad. :( I've thought about it everyday but it's been so hard to find time lately. Just to catch up on things, I'm sick (SUCKS SO MUCH!!!) but I'm getting better everyday so that's good. Hoping I don't get worse so I don't have to go to a doctor. I got my license last week and I just got my hard copy in the mail today. :)))) I've been doing amazing in school. Pretty much all high A's. Lowest grade is prolly a 98? I'm likin' it! Also I've been talking to a lot of random people at school, sounds kinda weird, but it's quite fun and you never know what good you can get out of it because there are people in this world that need that one person to just talk to them or make them feel better.

Speaking of feeling better, there's this girl I know...well I don't know her personally but I know of her. She was crying today so I went up to her and gave her a hug. :) For once, I felt so good about it. Like I just didn't avoid her and walk by. I told her, "I barely even know you but I'm gonna give you a hug." :) It's strange though because I forgot to get a milk in lunch and I didn't bring a vitamin water so I needed to go to the vending machines and buy a drink. By coincedence, she was near the vending machines crying. I don't know but it seems as though that I was placed in that situation for a reason. I'm glad though I was able to support her. :)

Anywho, on with more of my life. Did I mention I was sick? I feel horrible. But thanks to everyone who has told me to feel better and etc. :) I feel like life isn't exactly the way I want it right now, but I've been making small adjustments to help. I'm honestly trying to become a better person. Easier said than done! I told a dearest but new friend yesterday,

"Well breathe in and out, everything will sort itself out. Just place faith in God, he has a plan for you. :) And it's okay. I experience the same as you, but not as much as I used to. Something that helped me is that I realized I needed to let go of things in the past and realize the good things right in front of me and to keep pushing through no matter what. :) Eventually you have to forgive the person and yourself, then move on. Moving on is for the best."

Back to the Old Grind

So I haven’t been able to blog for awhile due to the fact that I’ve been super busy and that I hung out with my homeboy Jesus this past weekend. The weekend of January 28 to January 30 was probably some of the best 3 days of my life! I went on this retreat called Search. I wasn’t fully aware of what it was or what the whole purpose of it was. I just knew I had to go because my youth minister was in a way forcing me to go. Hahaha. Harsh way of saying it, but boy was something in plan for me.

Sooner did I realize that these 3 days were going to forever change my life and how I looked at everything. This Search retreat was beyond words! There were people there who had so much energy that I wasn’t able to handle it! All I know is that I wanted to do nothing but sleep. I’ll skip over what most of we did, since I would like for you to find out for yourself. (:

We did a lot of activities and had the opportunities to meet new people, renew and strengthen our relationship with God, and start a new chapter in our life. It was interesting to be in a room with over 50 strangers. They had come from all these different places and all had different backgrounds. But by the end of the weekend, we were like all best friends and we had developed a bond and sense of love for each other that was so strong that it usually takes like months to build when in all reality it took us a weekend. I honestly didn’t want to leave this world of endless love, closeness, and happiness. But it’s true that you can’t stay there forever. I had to move on with life and return to my world. Back to the world where you had to fight society, know who your friends were, and deal with drama.

I’ll never forget the experience I had with Search 121. All the new friends I met and all the things I changed in my life and will continue to do. There’s not a single moment that I would take back. I have to come and know God even more. And for that, I’m thankful for Team, Adults, and YD’s for making it possible. They made the whole retreat a success and I’m so appreciative of the time and effort they dedicated into it. I honestly wanna grow in my faith and continue to change and make a difference.

By going to Search 121, it was possible to start a new chapter in my life. I feel like a lot of things in my life are gonna need some readjusting and that I’m gonna become an even better person than before. With this, I feel most confident that I can bring about a tremendous change not only in myself but in others. Nothing can stop me as long as I have God on my side. I believe in him and trust in him. Nothing will ever change that. Finally, I love you all! And most importantly, keep it real! (:

Chances, Possibilities, Mistakes?

As time passes, you start to realize things you've done in the past. Like, "Why did I do that?" "What the heck was I thinking?" It's a common thing for people to say to live a life without regrets. But that's quite impossible for me. And I don't know if you feel the same way. I know deep down that there are things I said that I wish I could have taken back, things I could have done differently, and things I could have avoided.

A couple of times I've seen people crying or hurting and I remembered that I just walked by or I stood and stared with the crowd. Why couldn't I be the one to step in and hug them? Be the one to comfort them and show them back to their feet. So many times I just argue with myself why I couldn't have changed that. The same goes for things I've said and done. I'm not the kind of person to hold things in, but it's true that there is always a certain time for words to be spoken and actions to be executed. I'm sure that I may have hurt people with what I've done or I may have changed the way they look at me. The usual response is that they have nothing to say. I have a thing for making people speechless. It's amazing yet a bit sad. Whoever shall be the one to find the words to respond?

Situations I could have avoided. Now that I think about it, I believe that I put myself into a lot of situations that I shouldn't have been. And what did friends say in the end? "You didn't deserve that." But you're wrong. I did deserve that and as hard as I try to convince myself that I didn't deserve it, I just don't believe it. I'm the one who put myself in that situation. I'm the one who wanted to be venturous or rebellious. I wanted to defy  what everyone said and find out for myself. But with all of that pain, comes a stronger and smarter person. A better me.

I recently told a friend who's friendship with me is like that of a thread. I don't remember the conversation word for word, but I'm doing my best to remember and improvise. :)

Me: I just feel like it's not enough to say "I love you or I miss you."
Friend: So why do you say it?
Me: Because it's how I truly feel and I'm not ashamed of it.
Friend: I don't understand. If it's not enough to say "I love you or I miss you.", why say it?
Me: I say it because I really do mean it. I really put my heart into friendship. And I feel like I've done all that I can for our friendship. It seems like my enough just wasn't enough...

As I reflect, how did I get here in the first place? Something changed and I don't like it. Honestly, I really think I am the one to blame. Why can't we go back to those days when we would always talk, life was simple, our friendship was never-ending, and we could tell each other everything? I miss how life used to be. If only it was possible to just live in the moment forever. Always happy. Always loved. Always remembered.

A good friend of mind told me, that sometimes friends go seperate ways, but maybe those friends need to find their way back to each other. And I strongly believe in that. And to end this with a quote. :)

"Even though we've changed and we're all finding our place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends."

Stuff That Crosses My Mind (The Inner Being)

So this is something that I posted on facebook awhile back, but I thought I'd like to put it on my blog. :)


With all of this time that I have been given lately, I’ve been able to really think about life and just really focus on every single decision I’ve made and the life that I’ve been living.

I’ve realized lately that I left myself love too easily. And as freely as I love, it’s hard for me to accept another’s love. I could tell you that I loved you and speak so many words from my heart, but not get the same response in return. Someone once told me that you shouldn’t let people discourage you if they don’t accept your love, but it’s hard to live by that saying. Why should I go out of my way to do all these things for others and not have them give me the treatment I deserve? It makes me wanna stop doing all the things I do for others. Because in the end, I’m only hurting myself. If I speak from my heart, I’ll expect something just as equal in return, but I won’t get it. Expecting too much just gets your hopes down and hurts you. However, the pain only makes you stronger. It makes you realize who your real friends are.

I stumbled along a quote recently and it said, “Friends are the apologies for your family.” And it struck me quite funny because it’s true. Well for me in this case. You have no idea lucky you are. You have a family to call your own. People who you absolutely love no matter what, care about, and can turn to in times of need. As for me, I don’t feel this way and don’t think I ever will. I’m envious and it pains me so much on the inside. It hurts beyond words and kills me to know that none of this will ever change. You have countless cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, siblings, and more. You have all these family reunions, traditions, and what not. You’re probably close to your family and can probably talk to them about anything. I don’t have any of this. And you don’t know how big of a toll this takes on me. I was subjected to a life of nothing. This may seem like a dramatic viewpoint, but you would have to be in my shoes to see how I feel. Family is like the basic foundation of everything. And without it, where does anyone start?
In the future, I am gonna look for a family to call my own. I don’t want my kids to end up like me. I don’t want them to suffer as much as I did. I want them to know and feel that they are loved. I want them to have everything I was incapable of having.

Countless day after countless day, I constantly wonder if there is anyone out there who could really just understand me. I can’t stand myself to hurt everyday. I hurt. I bleed. I suffer. I ache. But most importantly, I endure no matter what.

What am I searching for in this world? My reasons to live? I live primarily for others. “A life lived for others is a life I gladly accept.” But when you live for others, what happens with yourself? People don’t know how much I really do love them and sacrifice for them. And I feel like that’s taken for granted. And when I need someone most, who do I turn to? Who’s gonna be the one to return the favor? Who’s gonna be the one that will make forget about all the pain and worries of this world? Who’s gonna be the one that will go out of their way to actually make a difference? I’ve taken all of these things on and at one point; someone else will have to do the same.

You will trip, stumble, and fall. But you need someone to come along and pick you back up. Someone who will brush the dirt off your face, gives you a hug, and reminds you to keep walking along the path of life. This someone is called a friend.

Something I’ve really noticed lately is that friends don’t really live up to their title. As a friend, you gotta stand up for one another. And I will speak an example that I have my own personal experience with:

Do you know how many people have asked me or wondered if I was gay? A LOT. Do you know how much it hurts me on the inside? No, I didn’t think so. Believe it or not, even my own parents have called me gay. People have even asked my parents if I was gay. Do you know what kind of hell this puts me through? I’m not gonna lie, but I have cried over this conflict. It’s made me hate myself and it’s made me want to shun myself from the world. It’s not who I am. I’m not gay, but no matter how I try, I have to keep fighting society. In the end, what does this matter to people? It’s not their business. I know who I am. And I’m not gonna change myself to satisfy others. I’m straight, deal with it. If you have a friend who deals with this, then help them out. You have no idea what kind of hurt this does to people. And if you have a friend who everyone thinks they’re gay/bi/lesbian, then stand up for them. If you honestly love and care about your friend, then defend them. It’s what friends do. You don’t know how much hurt you are saving them from. I wish I could have been saved from a lot of pain, but what’s done is done. Words do in fact bring people down, but you can be the one to rise them back up.

Lastly, I want all my closest friends to know something. You guys are all special to me in some way. I care about all of you and I don’t know what I would do without you guys. I know I may not open up to you guys that often, but do know I love each and every single one of you. Every second I spend with you is cherished and loved. We’ll all be going our separate ways soon and just know you guys have changed my life in so many ways and I’m thankful for that. There’s a story behind each of our friendship. There have been rough patches, good memories, sad times, and plenty more. But there will never be an ending. Our bonds don’t end when we all move on. Nothing can separate our bond and all the memories that we share. I never wanna lose any of you. And most importantly, I don’t wanna forget anything between us. We have a long life ahead of us and I know we can’t change our beginnings, but I know we can change our path as long as we live it out together. I love you and mean it when I say that you guys are the best things that ever happened to me.

First Day of Blogging

I guess the best way I can start off with my first post is with a quote. After I tell a little background info. Throughout my life, I've discovered new meanings to friendship. And along my journey, I've met people, gained friends, and lost some as well.

"You've changed so much. I guess that's what happens. I wish you knew how much you changed me. It wonder if I changed you, if your life is different because of me. Because mine's different. My God, you taught me so much, and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens."

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

When you're dealing with a loss of friend. It's really weird. To think, I gave so much for them and sacrificed, and this is what happens. To be honest, I've never been so hurt. But then I always think, "Am I not the one to blame?" I never really know the answer. I put my heart into friendship. And I mean every single word when I say things like, "I love you. I miss you. I care about you." Friends are truly my everything and without them, life wouldn't be possible.

Losing a friend is like losing a reason to live. But you know what they say? Life goes on. And indeed in fact it does. However, the memories.....the words.....the feelings. There all still there. Nothing can change the past. And I hope and pray that one day, people will know how they treated us and how we felt. In a way, it's mean to say that I hope they feel horrible. But I want them to realize and promise themselves to somehow apologize and just to never do it to anyone else. I hope and pray. I really do.